Here are some great Blackadder quotes from Blackadder Goes Forth. This series saw the main characters of Blackadder, Baldrick and George sitting in a trench in Flanders during World War I.
A cunning plan?
Despite several cunning plans, Blackadder’s schemes to get out of the trenches to avoid certain death by a crazy General Melchett end in failure. Along the way though, he and the rest of the cast come up with some immortal quotes.
Great Blackadder Quotes from Blackadder Goes Forth
Blackadder: ‘I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.’
George: ‘I’m absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.’
Blackadder (to Baldrick): ‘If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.’
George on education: When I was at school, education could go hang. As long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.
Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I’m not talking about the contents of Baldrick’s apple crumble.
Great Blackadder Quotes from Corporal Punishment
George: ‘Well tally ho! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!’
George: ‘I’m thick. I’m as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.’
George: ‘My head… oh, my head… feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.’
George on waiting for orders: ‘When are we going to give Fritz a taste of our British spunk?’
George on being a lawyer: ‘I’m a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society I was voted ‘boy least likely to complete a coherent…’ erm…’
Blackadder: ‘Morning George, morning Baldrick. Still the striking resemblance to guppy fish at feeding time.’
Great Blackadder Quotes from Major Star
Blackadder: ‘Everything goes over your head, doesn’t it, George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.’
Blackadder: ‘Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane’s handbag and ate her lipstick, but I’m clearly in a minority.’
Blackadder: ‘A war hasn’t been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.’
George rather enjoyed being wooed by the General: ‘We tired the moon with our talking about everything and nothing: the war, marriage, the proposed changed to the LBW rule…’
Blackadder: ‘Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.’
Great Blackadder Quotes from Private Plane
Flashheart: ‘If word gets out that I’m missing, 500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn’t want them on my conscience – not when they ought to be on my face!’
Red Baron: ‘How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.’
Blackadder: ‘I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my – hang on…’
Melchett: ‘If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.’
George: Crikey, sir. I’m looking forward to today. Up diddly up, down diddly down, whoops, poop, twiddly dee – decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron – bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines – capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals.
Blackadder: George, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?
Great Blackadder Quotes from General Hospital
Blackadder to George: ‘Somewhere outside Saffron Walden there’s an uncle who is seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam’s apple that makes him look as if he’s constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.’
Melchett: ‘If you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.’
George receives a small food parcel from his in-bred family: ‘…a potted turkey, a cow in jelly, three tinned sheep, and twelve hundred chocolates.’
Blackadder: ‘I lost closer friends than “darling Georgie” the last time I was deloused.’
Great Blackadder Quotes from Goodbyeee
‘Hear the words I sing,
War’s a horrid thing,
But still I sing, sing, sing,
Ding a ling a ling.’
Melchett: ‘I’ll just have to sit this one out on the touchline with the half-time oranges and the fat wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young bloods link arms for the glorious final scrum down.’
Blackadder: ‘Whatever it was, I’m sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?’
George: “I joined up straight away – 10th August 1914. What a day that was. Myself and the fellows leap-frogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office, then playing tiddly-winks in the queue.”
Baldrick: ‘Shall I do my war poem, sir?’
Blackadder: ‘How hurt will you be if I give the honest answer, which is, No – I’d rather French-kiss a skunk?’
Take a look here for more funny General Melchett Quotes