Standing at the Back Dressed Stupidly and Looking Stupid Party

Ivor 'Jest-ye-not-madam' Biggun - Blackadder election

In honour of the European Elections for May 2019, it would be criminal not to write about Dish and Dishonesty from Blackadder Series 3!

Ivor 'Jest-ye-not-madam' Biggun - Blackadder election

Blackadder Election Episode

Any excuse to blow the dust off the Blackadder election episode is welcome. Especially as real life gets closer and closer to the Dish and Dishonesty episode!

In this episode, Blackadder ends up putting forward Baldrick as a candidate for Dunny-on-the-Wold.

The official population of Dunny-on-the-Wold consists of:

– Two rather mangy cows

– A dachshund named Collin

– A small Hen in its late 40s

– One actual human who is the sole voter in the borrough. He however dies when he, very sadly, accidentally, brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.

The Adder Party

Step forward Mr. S. Baldrick, the candidate for the Adder party. A rotten candidate for a rotten borough. Or a rubber button, depending on who you’re talking to.

Despite the small number of voters, there was a tremendous turnout as can be seen here:

Ivor ‘Jest-ye-not-madam’ Biggun

Standing at the Back Dressed Stupidly and Looking Stupid Party

Perhaps our favourite candidate though, is Ivor ‘Jest-ye-not-madam’ Biggun of the Standing at the Back Dressed Stupidly and Looking Stupid Party.

Do those colours seem familiar to you?

Perhaps George summed it up best: Well, lucky-lucky us. Lucky-lucky-luck. Luck-luck-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-LAKK-LAKK-LAKK.

Miranda Richardson – Blackadder Appearances and Roles

Miranda Richardson is well known for playing the Queen in Blackadder Series 2, but she also had other appearances. Here’s more about Miranda Richardson in Blackadder.

Miranda Richardson

Born on the 3rd of March 1958, Miranda Richardson was a main cast member in the second series of Blackadder. She also had recurring appearances in subsequent series and one off specials.

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder 2

Miranda Richardson as Elizabeth 1 in Blackadder series 2

We were first introduced to Miranda Richardson in the second series of Blackadder. Making the role of Queen Elizabeth the First (or Queenie) her own, her portrayal was at times both childish and cruel.

Appearing in all 6 episodes of the Blackadder second series, Miranda Richardson flirted with Blackadder, accompanied by her Nursie. It’s hard to say how much this performance helped her career, but it’s still one of our favourites!

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder 3

Miranda richardson as the shadow

Many people were disappointed at the time that Miranda Richardson did not return as a main character for the third series of Blackadder. She did make one appearance though, as Amy Hardwood.

This character had a split personality which was perfect for Miranda Richardson to showcase her formidable acting talents. As a wet blanket Amy Hardwood was approached to marry Prince George. As a highway robber, she had a vendetta against squirrels!

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder 4

Miranda Richardson as Nurse Mary in Blackadder Goes Forth

In the fourth series of Blackadder, Miranda returned once more for a one off appearance. This time, she played Nurse Mary Fletcher-Brown, complete with little fluffy bunny act for her patients.

Blackadder at first looks down on Nurse Mary, but then has an affair with her. Finally, he exposes her as a German spy, only to find out he made a mistake at the end of the episode!

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder’s Christmas Carol

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol was a one off special based on the classic Dickens tale, but of course with a Blackadder twist. First aired in 1988, Blackadder’s Christmas Carol has become something of a Christmas favourite.

Miranda Richardson played two characters in Blackadder’s Christmas Carol, which were Queen Elizabeth I and Queen Asphyxia XIX.

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder Back and Forth

Miranda Richardson in Blackadder Back and Forth

Blackadder Back and Forth was the specially commissioned one off short film, first shown in near the Millennium Dome in celebration of the Millennium.

Miranda Richardson played two characters in Blackadder Back and Forth. The first was a reprisal of Queen Elizabeth I and the other Lady Elizabeth.

Rik Mayall Blackadder – All his appearances including the specials

All of the Rik Mayall Blackadder performances including the specials

Although not one of the main cast, Rik Mayall made a number of appearances throughout the Blackadder saga. Here’s a look at all of the Rik Mayall Blackadder appearances, including a couple you might have forgotten about.

The last Rik Mayall Blackadder appearance - As Robin Hood in the Millennium special

British Comedy Legend Rik Mayall

Rik Mayall (7 March 1958 – 9 June 2014) was one of the most loved comedians and actors to rise up from the 80s alternative comedy scene.

Whether as Kevin Turvey, Rick from the Young Ones, or the New Statesman, his talent knew no bounds.

Riky Mayall made several appearances in Blackadder, and here we take a closer look at them.

Rik Mayall as Mad Gerlad from the first series of Blackadder

Rik Mayall Blackadder Appearances

We’re going to list the Rik Mayall Blackadder appearances starting from the very first Blackadder series through to his last appearance in a Blackadder special.

We’ve included some great quotes as well as video clips of some of the best Rik Mayall Blackadder scenes.

Rik Mayall as Mad Gerald

Many people forget that Rik Mayall’s first appearance in Blackadder was as Mad Gerald.

Mad Gerald was held in the same cell as Blackadder in the ‘Black Seal‘, which was the last episode of the first series.

Mad Gerald had gone, well, mad over the years, and he only had two friends that had kept him semi-sane. Mr. Rat, and thankfully for Edmund, Mr. Key.

Rik Mayall as Lord Flashheart

Lord Flashheart in series 2 was arguably Rik Mayall’s best Blackadder performance.

He literally burst into every scene, dominating and owning it with his over the top, testosterone filled character.

Blackadder Quotes Lord Flashheart is flirting

Chosen by Blackadder to be the best man at his wedding, Lord Flashheart eventually steals the bride, although not before announcing he feels more comfy in a dress!

Amazing acting, and you can see that the main cast members of Blackadder are almost in speechless awe of him. Simply fantastic. Hooray!

Rik Mayall as Squadron Commander The Lord Flashheart

Rik makes yet another appearance in the Blackadder Goes Forth episode Private Plane.

Having crashed his kite, Squadron Commander The Lord Flashheart is worried that he might have stepped in a Bosch and won’t be able to get the whiff off his boots.

Not to worry though, he’s behind friendly lines, where he meets Blackadder!

Although Blackadder respects the Flying Corps as much as he does, well, Baldrick, he realises it might be a way out of the trenches.

Signing up for the 20 minuters, guess who’s giving the training?

Lord Flashheart from Blackadder

Blackadder passes training, and with a navigator that doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, gets shot down behind German lines.

Who will rescue Slackbladder? Well, Lord Flashheart of course, who has taken a break from some crucial top-level shagging.

Rik Mayall as Robin Hood

And finally, we have the Millenium special appearance as Robin Hood in Blackadder Back and Forth.

Basically playing the same ‘Flash’ character again, but this time in tights, Rik gets to snog Maid Marian who is played by Kate Moss. Woof indeed!

The 10 Best Blackadder Episodes | Blackadder Quotes

The best Blackadder Episodes

Blackadder has given us some of the very greatest moments in British Comedy, and so choosing the best Blackadder episodes is no easy task. This is what we have come up with.

A look at the top 10 best Blackadder episodes

The Best Blackadder Episodes

We’ve put together 10 of the very best Blackadder episodes, along with our favourite scenes from each.

These are in no particular order, although in our opinion, the final episode of Blackadder Goes Forth is the very pinnacle of both British Comedy and British drama.

1. Witchsmeller Pursuivant

Most people agree that the first series of Blackadder was certainly nowhere near the best!

It did have its moments though, and the fifth episode was probably the best.

Starring Frank Finlay as the Witchsmeller Pursuivant himself, Prince Edmund or the Great Grumbledook as he is accused, is put on trial.

Interesting note – This episode is one of the first times that Baldrick uses the words ‘I have a cunning plan‘.

2. Bells

The first episode of the second series of Blackadder stands out for two reasons.

The first, is that you can tell almost immediately that the writing has stepped up several notches in terms of quality.

The second, is that Rik Mayall turns up in a cameo role as Lord Flashheart. All we have to say is Woof!

Blackadder Quotes Lord Flashheart Woof

3. Potato

Potato from the second series is another one that ranks highly among the best episodes of Blackadder.

This episode is notable for Tom Baker’s magnificent performance as Captain Redbeard Rum.

 

At the time, Tom Baker was dismayed at his performance, but we hope he’s changed his mind since then.

You have a woman's purse my lord!

4. Beer

Beer is another great episode from the second series of Blackadder.

It again features some great cameo appearances, but in all honesty, it’s the comedy breasts that make this for us along with the turnip shaped like a thingy!

a turnip

5. Dish and Dishonesty

The genius thing about the first episode of the third series of Blackadder, is that the quotes can still be used for every election that crops up!

In fact, in recent years, the electoral candidates in Blackadder seem slighter more realistic than the current batch of politicians we all seem lumbered with.

6. Ink and Incapability

Dr. Johnson, a dictionary, and a large orangey thing under the mantelpiece. What could possible go wrong?

In this choice of one of the best Blackadder episodes, we are introduced to some novel new words. We’ll be back interfrastically.

Pericombobulations from Blackadder

7. Duel and Duality

The final episode in the third series of Blackadder sees a guest appearance by Stephen Fry as the Duke of Wellington.

This was almost certainly a pre-runner to the famous General Melchett character in the fourth series.

Remember, there’s only one way to win a campaign – Shout, Shout, and Shout Again!!

Wellington ask for tea

8. Private Plane

Whilst we rather liked the sound of the Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corp, Blackadder did sign up for the 20 minuters in Private Plane.

One of the best Blackadder episodes for many reasons, not least because Rik Mayall again came in to steal the show!

Blackadder Quotes - One of the best Lord Flashheart Quotes from Blackadder Series 4

9. General Hospital

Miranda Richardson took on a cameo role in this episode, where Blackadder was given the mission to find a German spy.

There’s so many quotes here we don’t know where to begin, but the Pooh Pooh scene still has us in stitches to this day!

Never ignore a pooh-pooh. Blackadder quote from series 4

10. Goodbyeee

What can we say about the final episode of Blackadder that hasn’t been said before?

Funny, moving, emotional, sad, brilliant.

Even all these years later, it never fails to move anyone watching it. In our opinion, easily the best Blackadder episode ever made.

More Blackadder

You might also be interested in these other Blackadder posts:

Blackadder – 5 of the most romantic moments

The most romantic moments in Blackadder

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we thought we’d share some of the most romantic moments in Blackadder. As you might expect, there’s a few unusual ones in there!

Blackadder falls in love with Bob

The most romantic moments in Blackadder

It’s soon Valentine’s Day, and we’ve put together 5 of the most romantic Blackadder moments to put you in the mood for love! Let us know what you think!

1. Baldrick kisses Percy

In Bells, the first episode of the second series of Blackadder, Baldrick kindly plays the role of bridesmaid to Bob, who didn’t have any childhood girl chums, as her family was so poor. Percy strolls in, and of course gets immediately confused, demanding a kiss…

Percy kissing Baldrick - One of the most romantic moments in Blackadder

2. Sausage Time

In Amy and Amiability from the third series of Blackadder, Prince George has to woo the Mysterious Northern beauty, Miss Amy Hardwood in order to get his hands on some of her father’s wealth. His attempts at creating poetry are worthy of any Valentine’s Card!

“From His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood.
Tally-ho my fine saucy young trollop! Your luck’s in! Trip along here with all your cash, and some naughty night attire, and you’ll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart!
Yours with the deepest respect etc, signed George.

PS Woof woof!”

3. Melchett Falls For Georgina

In Major Star from Blackadder Goes Forth, there’s more cross-dressing confusion. This time, General Melchett falls for his Darling Georgina (who is actually George in drag). Our favourite part? When Melchett is rehearsing what he will say to Georgina in front of the mirror, and say that he wants to cover her in pepper, and sneeze all over her! However, when Blackadder breaks news of Georgina’s death…

4. Blackadder hooks up with Nurse Mary

There’s a number of touching moments in General Hospital, when Blackadder hooks up with Nurse Mary. Some of the flirting for example is particularly funny.

Edmund: Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go cycling together, take a trip down to the Old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.

Mary: Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.

Perhaps the funniest moment though, is when Nurse Mary asks if Blackadder has someone special in his life.

Is there anyone special in your life?

5. Blackadder explains what life was like without the Queen

Perhaps the most romantic line ever mentioned in Blackadder, comes in the episode Chains from the second series.  Edmond has escaped being imprisoned in a commode, and returns to the royal court. The Queen asks if he had missed her:

Captain Darling Blackadder – Funny name for a guy isn’t it?

Captain Darling from Blackadder Goes Forth

Captain Darling is a desk-sucking, pen pushing blotter jotter played by Tim McInnerny in Blackadder Goes Forth. Let’s take a look at some of his best moments here!

Captain Darling from Blackadder

Captain Kevin Darling, MC (ca. 1884 – 1917)

After deciding not to take a leading role in the third series of Blackadder, Tim McInnerny returned as a full cast member in the 4th series.

Instead of playing an incarnation of Lord Percy Percy, this time, he played Captain Darling, a pencil-pushing aide to the crazy General Melchett.

Captain Darling from Blackadder in a rare show of bravery

Captain Darling Personal Background

As with many of the other characters in Blackadder Goes Forth, we find out a little more about Captain Darling’s background in each episode, with the final episode of Blackadder revealing the most amount of information.

For example, we discover that Captain Darling has a girlfriend called Doris, he aspired to keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen, and he worked for a company called  Pratt & Sons.

We also know that he tried and failed to join the Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corp!

It's classified information - Captain Darling in Blackadder

Captain Darling’s Personality

Captain Darling is a perfect example of a toadying underling to a person in a position of power.

In this case, it is General Melchett, who for the most part treats him with disdain.

At one point, he even describes Captain Darling like a son, but not a favourite, rather a “sort of spotty, illegitimate sprog that no-one really likes”.

Rivalry with Blackadder

For reasons that are never fully explained, he has a rivalry with Captain Blackadder.

It is perhaps to do with that fact that they are both of equal rank, but whereas Captain Darling has probably pulled strings to avoid frontline duty, Blackadder is in the trenches.

This has led to a jealous resentment that shows in each episode.

Who wins between Blackadder and Captain Darling?

This is an interesting question.

For the most part, Captain Darling seems to come out on top during their petty rivalries, but Blackadder always seems to get some sort of petty revenge.

The most famous being when he asks Baldrick to make Captain Darling a cup of coffee!

Our favourite Captain Darling scenes

Blackadder Quotes - One of the best Lord Flashheart Quotes from Blackadder Series 4

Here’s a look at some of our favourite scenes featuring Captain Darling from Blackadder. We hope you like them too!

When Blackadder interrogates Captain Darling

When Lord Flashheart meets Captain Darling

Possibly his greatest line from Blackadder though is simply when he makes a note in his diary on the way to the frontlines.

Blackadder Series 2 Episode 2 Head Full Script

Blackadder Series 2 Episode 2 Head - A funny scene from the dungeon

The second episode of Blackadder Series 2 is called “Head”. The plot of this episode revolves around Blackadder being appointed the Lord High Executioner and Minister for Religious Genocide. Once more, this funny Blackadder episode brings together contemporary historical themes that people even today can relate to, and some excellent, well formed characters. The full script of Blackadder series 2 episode 2 is below.

 

Blackadder Series 2 Episode 2 Head - A funny scene from the dungeonBlackadder Series 2 Episode 2 – Head Full Script

SCENE 1 (Home of Edmund Blackadder)
——-
BA: Right Baldrick, let’s try again shall we? This is called adding. If I
have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
B: Some beans.
BA: Yes…and no. Let’s try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two
more beans. What does that make?
B: A very small casserole.

Classic 'Some Beans' from Blackadder Series 2 Episode 2 Head BA: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try

again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
B: Three
BA: What?
B: And that one.
BA: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
B: Oh! Some beans.
BA: Yes. To you Baldrick, the renaissance was just something that happened
to other people wasn’t it?

To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Enter P wearing an enormous rough.
P: Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see you.
BA: What-
P: I said “Edmund, Edmund, come quickly the queen wants to see-”
BA: Please let me finish. What, are you wearing round your neck?
P: Ah! It’s my new rough!
BA: You look like a bird who’s swallowed a plate!
P: It’s the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me
look rather sexy!
BA: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn’t
had it in months.
P: I think you may be wrong.
BA: You’re a sad laughable figure aren’t you Percy? What do you think of
Percy’s rough Baldrick?
B: Four.
BA: What?
B: Some beans and some beans is four beans.
BA: No, no. We’ve moved on from advanced mathematics, we’re onto elementary
dressmaking. What do you think of Percy’s rough?
B: I think he looks like a bird who’s swallowed a plate my Lord.
BA: No that’s what I think, that’s what I think! What do you think?
Try to have a thought of your own, Baldrick, thinking is so
important. What do you think?
B: I think thinking is so important my Lord.
BA: I give up! I’m off to see the queen.
P: Oh shall I come too my Lord?
BA: No, best not, people might think we’re friends. You stay here with
Baldrick.Bird neck and bird brain should get on like a house on fire!

Blackadder – Season 2

SCENE 2 (The Royal Palace)
——-
M: Grey, I suspect Majesty.
Q: I think you’ll find it was orange Lord Melchett.
M: Grey is more usual mam.
Q: Who’s queen ?
M: As you say Majesty, there were these magnificent orange
elephants which were coming…..
BA: My Lady (Queeny screams), you wish to see me.
Q: Yes, Lord Melchett has bad news.
BA: Lord Melchett is bad news.
Q: (Laughs) No, be serious. Melchett!
M: Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead.
BA: Oh woe ! Murdered of course.
M: No, oddly enough no. They usually are but this one just got
careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted
line. They came for him while he slept.
BA: He should have told them they had the wrong man.
M: Oh he did, but you see they didn’t, they had the right man
and they had the form to prove it.
BA: Te. bloody red tape eh ? And the bad news ?
Q: The bad news is that actually there are simply hundreds of
catholics who desperately want their heads sneaked off and
there’s no-one to organise it.
BA: Hm, well I pity the poor sod who gets the job.
No-one ever survives it more than a week.
M: Mhm. I have taken the liberty mam, of drawing up a list of suitable
candidates.
Q: Oh goodo, let’s hear it.
M: List for the post of Lord High Executioner –
Lord Blackadder.
BA: Ah He.

SCENE 3 (Back at Edmund Blackadder’s home)
——-
BA: Right then. Let’s take a look shall we? Who’s first into the head basket
then? Admiral Lord Ethingham and Sir Francis Drake on Monday.
P: That should draw a crowd.
BA: Hm?
P: Well, sailing enthusiasts.
BA: Oh yes, better make sure there’s a few anchors and things on the
souvenier stall.
P: Aye, aye, sir.
BA: Never, ever try to be funny in my presence again Percy. Right,
Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday. Oh wait a minute. Farrow on
Wednesday. Who’s Farrow when he’s not having his head cut off?
P: Ah, James Farrow, pleasant bloke from Dorchester.
BA: Don’t know him, never will either. Yes, and he goes on Wednesdsay?
P: Hmm.
BA: It’s not right though, is it?
P: Well no! I mean now you come to mention it, my Lord, there was
absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all! It was an outrageous
travesty of justice!
BA: No, it’s not right that he should be on Wednesday when we could stick
him in on Monday and have half the week off.
P: Oh I see. Yes, that’s right.
BA: Pop him in on Monday. Right, good! Five dead in two days. Not a bad
start. Oh yes Percy, and the new rough?
P: Better?
BA: Worse.
P: Ah, the fashion today is towards the tiny.
BA: In that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

SCENE 4 (At the jails)
——-
BA: Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder
and I’m the new minister in charge of religious genocide.
Now, if you play straight with me you’ll find me a considerate
employer, but cross me and you’ll find that under this playful
boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
Now my man you are ?
MRP: Eh, jailor Sir, my Lord.
BA: Good, well done and your name is ?
MRP: Ploppy Sir.
BA: Ploppy ?
MRP: Yes Sir.
BA: Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP: That’s right Sir. Ploppy son of Ploppy.
BA: Ploppy, son of Ploppy the jailor ?
MRP: Ah ach no Sir. I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailor.
My father, Daddy Ploppy was known as Ploppy the slopper.
It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
BA: Yes you are to be congratulated, my friend, we, we live in an age
where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are
without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met.
I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.

Funny Blackadder quotes from series 2
MRP: There’s no many bosses would be that considerate sir.
BA: Thank you Ploppy, I do my best. Now then woman. if indeed you are a
woman, what is your function on death row ?
MRSP: I’m the last meal cook Sir. The prisoners may ask for what they fancy
for there last meal…..
BA: And you cook for them what they desire ?
MRSP: Oh yes Sir, provided they ask for sausages. Otherwise they tend to get
a tiny bit disappointed. Sausages is all I got.
BA: You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion mistress eh ?
MRSP: Ploppy Sir.
BA: Ah, so you are married to…
MRSP: No, many people think that but it’s pure coincidence. We did laugh
when first we found out. “Good morning” mistress Ploppy he’d say,
and I’d say “good morning ..
MRP&
MRSP: Mr. Ploppy” (both laugh)
BA: The long winter evenings must just fly by. Ah ! and you must be the
boy who makes the tea ?
MRP: Ah no Sir, he’s the executioner but he does sometime make the tea.
BA: Yes, and your name is ?
B: Baldrick my Lord, but I’ll change it to Ploppy if it’ll make things
easier.
BA: No thank you. I can cope with more than one name. What are you doing
here ?
B: Well, it’s a hobby
MRSP: It would be more, more fun Sir if he were to change his name. Give the
place a more family atmosphere.
BA: A family atmpsphere ? This is meant to be a place of pain and misery
and sorrow.
MRSP: That’s what I mean Sir.
MRP: Eh, Mistress Ploppy is a bit of a social realist Sir.
BA: Now then, we’re going to run a fast efficient operation and I intend to
do as little work as possible. My deputy Percy here will explain.
P: Good afternoon staff, my name is Lord Percy and if you play fair by me
you will find me a considerate employer, but if you cross me BY JOVE,
you …
BA: Just tell’em the plan duckface.
P: My Lord, not in front of the staff.
BA: Get on with it.
P: Right Staff, as you know we are scheduled to execute Drake and
Ethingham on Monday, Lord Farrow on Wednesday and Buckingham and
Ponsonby on Friday. But in order to give us the middle of the week off,
Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.
BA: Lets just say he’s got time off for good behaviour.

SCENE 5 (The Royal Palace)
——-
LF: Your Majesty.
Q: Yes Lady Farrow?
LF: My husband dies tomorrow. I besiege you, even if you cannot save his
life-
Q: Which I don’t think either of us would want seeing as how he’s a
horrible traitor!
LF: Of course not Your Majesty. But if he must die, may I see him?
Q: But of course. What’s she asking me for? Why doesn’t she just go along
to the execution with everyone else?
M: No Your Majesty, I don’t beleive she wants to see him die, I believe
she wants to see him before he dies.
Q: How odd.
M: Your Majesty?
Q: She’s not seen him! I wouldn’t marry someone I’d never seen. You should
take marriage a bit more seriously next time!
LF: (cries)
Q: Oh come now Lady Farrow, crying isn’t going to help your husband now.
N: No! Ointment! That’s what you need when your head’s been cut off!
That’s what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. “There, there”
I said, “you’ll soon grow a new one.”
Q: Shut up Nursie. Of course you may see your husband my dear, and if the
horrid old Edmund tries to stop you give him this. It’s a warrent, for
his own execution!
LF: Oh thank you Mam. May flights of angels sing you to your rest!
Q: Yes, I’m sure they will!

SCENE 6 (Blackadder’s Home)
——-

P: Hip, hip …
BA: So, they’re all dead are they ?
P: Yep, all three Drake, Ethingham, Farrow

Blackadder as the efficient Lord executioner
MA: Splendid, any interesting last words
P: Well Farrow was rather moving my Lord. A great strong man, he stood
there, gaunt and noble in the early morning mist and in a loud clear
voice he cried out “My wife might have bloddy well turned up”
BA: Ha, she’s probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already.
Right well unless Lord Percy has anything to add, you lot can amuse
yourselves in whatever foul depraved way you feel fit til’ Friday.
MRP&P: Thank you Sir.
P: Well staff, eh I’ve got a few notes on today’s show. On the whole I was
impressed
BA: They’ve gone Percy
P: Eh eh eh team, team.
B: My Lord, there is a lady outside to see you.
BA: Oh is she pretty ?
B: I don’t know, what d’you think?
BA: Well I don’t know do I? I haven’t seen her yet.
Make yourself scarce Baldrick.
B: Oh right.
LF: Good evening Lord Blackadder.
BA: Well it certainly is now. Perhaps you’d like to slip into something
more comfortable.
LF: No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart.
BA: It’s probably indigestion, I’ll soon take your mind off that.
LF: It’s my husband.
BA: Your husband’s got indigestion? Well, he won’t be bothering us then.
LF: No, he dies tomorrow.
BA: Oh come, you can’t die of indigestion, you’re over dramatising.
LF: He is to be executed at your order. I am Lady Farrow.
BA: Ah, and what exactly did you want of me?
LF: I wish to see my husband tonight.
BA: Ehe! Not really possible actually.
LF: (Starts to whimper)
BA: Excuse me just a second. Baldrick!
B: My lord?
BA: That Farrow bloke you executed today, are you sure he’s dead?
B: Well I chopped his head off, that usually does the trick.
BA: Yes, don’t get clever with me Baldrick. I just thought you might have
lopped off a leg or something by mistake.
B: No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.
BA: Fine!
Yes, I’m so sorry. I’ve just been consulting my legal people and I’m
afraid there really is no chance of a meeting.
LF: But the queen told me it would be allowed.
BA: Really?
LF: Yes, and that if you said “no”, I should give you this.
BA: Eh he! Fine, fine, absolutely, why not?

SCENE 7 (At the jails)
——-

BA: Right Baldrick, is that all clear?
B: Yes, em, I’ve killed someone I shouldn’t have killed, and now you want
me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.
BA: No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
B: Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?
BA: In order, ningcompoop, that she should believe that you’re her husband.
B: Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
MRP: Young, young Ploppy here has a point My Lord, Lord Farrow never wore a
bag, he was an old fashioned sort of gent.
BA: Look-
P: Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn’t meant to mention it but I have been
wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head
is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he’s not!
BA: Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldricks own
features, and many might think, incidently, that that would be reason
enough for him to wear it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow I shall explain
to her, inventing some cunningly plausible excuse, that her husband has
taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat to Baldrick imagining him to
be the man she married and the queen need never know of my little
miscalculation.
MRP: Why, My Lord, that is a brilliant plan.
P: Foolproof.
BA: You’re very kind.
MRP: Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers
me.
BA: It’s probably a flea.
Enter MRSP
MRSP: Your lordship, Lady Farrow awaits your pleasure.
BA: All right, OK. Go on, quick! Quick!
Exit P,MRP,MRSP
BA: Ah, Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it is to see you again.
LF: It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see.
BA: Well quite, quite. Though I should warn you that he, eh, he will not be
quite as you knew him.
LF: You fiend! What have you done to him?
BA: We have put…. a bag over his head.
LF: Why?
BA: Well, the thing is, you see, none of the other prisoners have such
shapely widows, baa wives I should say, and therefore in the interests
of the condemned community, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a bag.
It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you.
LF: How like him to make such a gesture.
BA: Yes, yes. Well I’ll just go and check he’s bagged up. Right Balders,
this is it.
Enter MRP,P
MRP: My lord!
BA: Oh what is it now Ploppy?
MRP: I have located my nagging doubt. It’s a small point, but I do now recall
that Lord Farrow was considerably taller, more than a yard taller, than
young Ploppy here.
BA: If you want something done properly you’ve got to do it yourself,
haven’t you? Anything else I should know?
MRP: Oh yes, he had a very deep voice, big deep booming voice.
BA: So quite like mine then?
MRP: No, my lord, a big deep booming voice.
BA: Well mine’s quite deep.
MRP: Ah not like his, and in fact, he was even taller than you, my lord. Oh
a giant of a man.
BA: Yes, all right, all right, don’t rub it in. Percy, you’d better go
and have another word with her. Go on, go on.
P: Em, sorry about the delay madam, eh, as you know, you are about to meet
your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that he has
a bag over his head.
LF: Why I would know my darling anywhere.
P: Well, yes, there are a couple of other things.
LF: I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
P: Yes, and some height. That’s the interesting thing, eh, you’ll
probably hardly recognise him at all actually.
LF: You’ll be telling me his arm’s grown back next.
P: Eh, excuse just for a sec. He’s only got one arm!!!
MRP: Ah yes!
BA: Oh well I shall just have to stick it inside the shirt. Which one?
Which one?
P: Eh, eh, hang on! Em hang on! Em, em, eh, how do we know you’re his wife?
LF: What?
P: Em, well, you know, you could be a gloater.
LF: I beg pardon.
P: You know, a gloater, eh, come to gloat over the condemned man. I mean
we’re up to our ears is gloaters here. “Can I come in for a gloat?” they
shout and we shout back “Oh you heartless gloaters”.
LF: (cries)
P: All right, all right, I tell you what. I’ll believe you’re not a
gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn’t got.
lf: His left of course! Now let me see my husband!
P: Right! it’s the left. Good luck!
BA: Gloaters, you really are a pratt aren’t you Percy ?
Right, don’t forget in two minutes you interrupt me all right ?
And no more than two minutes otherwise I’m in real trouble, and don’t
forget because..?
B: Because we’re not at home to Mr. Cockup!
BA: Correct.
MRP: Remember the voice my lord.
BA: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Exit B, P, MRP.
BA: Enter.
LF: James?
BA: My darling!
LF: How are you?
BA: Oh fine, fine. Food’s not bad. Apart from the sausages.
LF: You’re voice is somehow different.
BA: Oh, how?
LF: Somehow lighter, not as deep or booming as once it was.
BA: Is that better?
LF: Oh my darling! Oh call me by that name you always called me to show
your love is still strong.
BA: Ah yes, look, do you think this is quite the time or the place for
that sort of thing ?
LF: Please!
BA: Em this is the specific secret little name that I always used to
call you? You want to be called it again, is that right?
LF: Yes, the one like ‘your little pumpkin’.
BA: The one like ‘your little pumpkin’ but not actually ‘your little
pumpkin’ ?
LF: No.
BA: Em, right then, my little pumpkinywumpkiny ?
LF: Oh my darling! AH! Your arm!
BA: What’s wrong with it?
LF: What happened to it?
BA: Well, well, I’m rather hurt you don’t remember yourself in fact.
LF: But it was only cut off at the elbow.
BA: Aagh!
LF: What happened to the rest?
BA: Ah, yes, well, well I got into a scrap here with a fellow who called
you a nosey little strumpet who was always going blubbing to the
queen.
LF: Oh!
BA: And we got into a fight, and he cut off the top half.
LF: Oh alas!
BA: Eh, ah, yes of course, well I think you’d better be going. Lord
Blackadder said he was going to be sending in his servant Baldrick
to collect me.
LF: Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.
BA: Oh no, no, no. I shouldn’t think so. BALDRICK!!
He’s usually very punctual.
LF: Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness.
BA: Oh no, I shouldn’t think so. BALDRICK!! He, he he’s a very unkind
person.
LF: Well then, let us leap on the moment that we have been given and use
it to its full.
BA: What ?
LF: Let me do this last thing for you! What wife could do more ?
BA: What? Oh, I see.
Enter B.
B: Right, that’s it. Time up!
BA: No it isn’t.
B: Yes it is! Come along. Time’s up! Come along.
LF: Oh we’ve had so little time. May we finish what we began in paradise.
Farewell.
B Farewell.
Exit LF.
BA: Baldrick, you bastard! You utter bastard!
That was the first time ever, in my whole life. I’ve been on this
pultry, boring planet for 30 years and that’s the first time ever
anyone has ever attempted…
Enter LF.
LF: But do not despair my lord. Your brother petitions the queen tomorrow
morning. There may still be hope!
Exit LF.
BA: What?
B: Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr. Cockup my lord ?

SCENE 8 (The Royal Palace)
——-

Q: Oh yes alright then, let him off. He probably is innocent anyway.
F: My lady! May the heavens rain down radiant jewels and sweet meats
apon you.
Q: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
F: And may Cherabim and Seraphim…..
Q: Out!
BA: My lady, about Lord Farrow.
Q: I’ve let him off.
BA: No, no, no, no, you can’t. He’s a complete cad of the first water.
Q: ‘Can’t’ is not a word for princes Lord Blackadder.
M: How very true majesty.
Q: Anyway, I won’t be argued with, will I Nursey?
N: Well sometimes my darling when you want something very naughty. No
you won’t be argued with absolutely not.
Q: Precisely. So Lord Backadda ha! I want to see Lord Farrow here in
1 hour. Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord
Ponsonby who I believe I’m having killed on Friday – Come on Nursey,
let’s see if there are any good heads in Traitor’s Cloister on the way!
BA: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
P: Yes, my lord.
BA: Someone’s for the chop. You or me in fact.
P: Ah yes.
BA: Let’s face facts Perc, it’s you!
P: Except, Exc-ept, I may have a plan.
BA: Oh yes.
P: Yes, eh, eh. How about if we get Lord Farrow’s head and body and we
take it to the queen, except, exc-ept just before we get in,we start
shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying “We were just on
our way when he said something traitorous and so we cut his head off
in the corridor just to teach him a lesson”.
BA: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptable! Worth a try. Where did we put the head?

Blackadder trying to pretend someone isn't dead
P: It’s on a spike in traitor’s cloister.
BA: Oh God, well that’s where the queen’s gone! Did she know Farrow?
P: Oh yes, they were childhood friends.
BA: Well what if she sees his head on a spike? She’ll, she’ll, she’ll
realise he’s dead!
P: Yes.
BA: You fetch the body, and I’ll cover the head.

SCENE 9 (Traitor’s cloister)
——-

Q: Oh! Hello Edmund. Look I’m sorry I snapped at you just now. You know
I’m really very keen on you indeed don’t you ?
BA: Oh yes mam, as you were keen on Essex.
Q: Exactly!
BA: Right up to the point at which you had his head cut off.
Q: (laughs) He didn’t mind that, he knew it was only little me! And I
must say, his head did look jolly super on its spike. Are there no
heads on spikes today ?
BA: Em, no. No, we’re training up a new executioner and he’s a little
immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash. By the time he’s
finished you don’t so much need a spike as a toast rack.
Q: I like toast. Still, must be off to say bye bye to Ponsonby. Would you
care to stroll with me a while just if you’ve got time, if you’re
not to busy.
BA: No, sorry mam, affairs at office-
Q: I said “Would you care to stroll with me a while, just if you’ve got
time, if YOU’RE NOT TOO BUSY!”
BA: It would make the decade wothwhile!

—————

BA: And in Genoa, ’tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder
braid, stand in a bucket and go “bibble” at passers by.
Q: Oh, our Italian cousins!
BA: Well if you’ll excuse me mam, I’ve got some business to attend to.
Q: Certainly. But first Edmund, take my hand. Tell me you forgive my
former sharpness.
BA: Em. M’lady
Q: Sweet Lord Blackadder.
Exit Q,N. Enter P.
BA: Percy.
P: Well, I’ve got the body my lord and I see you’ve got the head.
BA: Yes but look it’s no good Percy, no-one’s ever going to believe
we’ve just cut it off, it’s gone green! We’re doomed.
P: Doomed. Oh wait a moment, that’s not Farrow!
BA: Isn’t it ?
P: No, that’s Ponsonby.
BA: My God, Ponsonby! That genius Baldrick has killed the wrong bloke.
We’re saved.
P: Saved.
BA: Then Farrow is alive and we’re saved.
P: Hooray!
BA: And when the queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby we’ll – Oh God!
P: Oh doomed! Doomed!

SCENE 10 (At the jails)
——–

Q: It’s not very nice here is it?
N: No, it’s not meant to be my pikelet. This is where all the horrid
people who don’t like you live.
Q: Hmm, I suppose so. It’s a bit smelly too, isn’t it?
N: Ah well of course I’m used to that. In the mornings when you were a
little baby ….
Q: Shut up Nursey! You – No not you, you’re too repulsive. You!
B: Yes, your Royal Majestic highness.
Q: Bring in Lord Ponsonby.
B: Yes your royal majestic .. thing!
Q: So strange, Ponsonby turned out to be a traitor. You would have thought
that he’d have had problems enough – what with that hunch, and only
having one leg!
N: Yes and that terrible speech problem
P: Your majesty.. Lord Ponsonby
BA: Your royal majesty. Sorry about the baaag. Didn’t have time to shave !

THE END
=======

Check out: Blackadder Series 2 Theme Song

Blackadder Series 2 Episode 1 Bells Full Script

Lord Flash from Blackadder Series 2 Episode 1 - Bells

Here is the full script for Blackadder Series 2 Episode 1 – Bells. It is in series two, that Blackadder truly develops as a character. To many people, this is the ‘classic’ Blackadder series. ‘Bells’ also marks the first episode that Ben Elton takes a hand in writing, as well as introducing one of the most iconic characters – Lord Flash.

Lord Flash from Blackadder Series 2 Episode 1 - BellsBlackadder Series 2 Episode 1 Bells Full Script

In the house of Kate and her father.

K: Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you
muttered to yourself, gibbered, dribbled, moaned and bat your head
against the wall, yelling “I want to die”. Now you may say I’m
leaping to conclusions but you’re not *completely* happy, are you?
It’s mother, isn’t it?

F: No, it is not.

K: You’re brooding over her death, aren’t you?

F: Kate, for the final time, your mother is not dead. She’s run off
with your uncle Henry.

K: Dear father, I know you only say such things to comfort me.

F: Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich. It is not her
I brood over. I’m sad because, my darling, our poverty has now
reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. I must
look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.

K: But father, surely…

F: Yes Kate, I want you to become a prostitute.

K: Father!

F: Do you defy me?

K: But indeed, I do. For it is better to die poor than to live in shame
and ignominy.

F: No, it isn’t.

K: I’m young and strong and clever. My nose is pretty. I shall find
another way to earn us a living.

F: Oh, please… go on the game. It is a steady job and you’d be
working from home.

K: Goodbye father. I shall go to London, disguise my self as a boy and
seek my fortune!

F: But why go all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?


Blackadder 2 – The Entire Second Series [1986] [DVD]

In the house of Edmund Blackadder.
[Baldrick holds a dartboard over his head, while Edmund practises the bow]

B: Ah, very good shot, my lord.

E: Thank you, Baldrick.
[Percy walks in]

S: Sorry I’m late.

E: No, don’t bother apologizing. I’m sorry you’re alive.

S: Oh good, I see the target is ready. [Picks up the bow]
I’d like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.

E: Well, go to Spain. There’re millions of them.

S: I’ll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.

E: Oh God, who is she this time?

S: I don’t know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah.
[Edmund succeeds in pilfering a letter from Percy]

E: Aah, and who is Jane?

S: I’m sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
Ooh, ouch… Jane Herrington. We’re very much in love, my lord.

E: This is *the* Jane Herrington?

S: Yes.

E: Jane – bury-me-in-a-wide-shaped-coffin – Herrington.

Blackadder Y Shaped Coffin

S: I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.

E: No… Tall, blond, elegant?

S: Right, that’s right.

E: Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town?
Come on, get on with your shot. You’ll get over her.
… [Percy aims]

E: I did.
… [Percy aims again]

E: So did Baldrick actually. [Percy’s shot ends up way too low]

S: Damned!

E: You see, she’s got this thing about beards apparently.

S: Well, in that case I’m going to shave!
[Percy leaves]

E: Bad luck, Boulders.

B: Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn’t in fact enter my body.

E: Oh good.

E: No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way.

E: Extraordinary.

B: And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there
forever.

E: That so Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.

B: Yes, my lord. Years from now I’ll show it to my grandchildren.

E: No Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the
question. Poor old Pee Brain, eh? Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that’s for damned sure as mustard[?].
[Knock on the door]

blackadder-series-2-episode-1-bells

E: Come in.
[Kate enters, dressed in boys clothes]

B: Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

E: Ah, good day to you… boy?!. What is it brings you here?

b: I’m an honest hard working lad, but poor and I must support my
father who is stark raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a
servants wage.

E: Yes, indeed. Unfortunately I already have a servant.

b: The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.

E: Hmm, that’s true. Baldrick you’re fired. Be out of the house in ten
minutes. Well young man you’ve got your self a job. What do they
call you?

b: Kate.

E: Isn’t that a bit of a girls name?

b: Oh..it’s..euh… short for… Bob!

E: Bob?!

b: Yes.

E: Well, Bob, welcome on board.
Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?

B: Euh .. I’ve got nowhere to go, my lord.

E: O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal
parks.

B: I’ve been in your service since I was two and a halve, my lord.

E: Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.

B: Couldn’t I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?

E: Well, you know where you will have to live.

B: In the gutter.

B: Yes.

E: And you’ll have to work a bit harder too.

B: Of course, my lord.

E: All right. Go and get Bob’s stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out
into the street.

B: God bless you, sweet master.
[Baldrick leaves, Percy enters again, without beard]

E: Oh Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don’t seem to be able to shake
off.

S: Ah, hello there Bob, you young roister-doister, you. Ah, you look a
likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly,
rosy cheap capering, eh. Of course you do, and more besides, I
warrant thee, young scamp.

b: Thank you so much for letting me stay Lord Blackadder.

E: Oh not at all Bob. I’m looking forward to having you… Euh, having
another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick. Excuse
me, I must go into the lavatory.

b: [to the camera] How little he knows and how much I would have him know.

S: I say Bob, I think this calls for a celebration. How about a game of
cup and ball and a slab of tea at Mrs. Miggins pie shop?

b: Get lost, creep!

S: Euh, euh, I like you young Bob. You’ve got balls.

Bob in Blackadder series 2

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q: Nice try Melchy, but it is no use. I’m still bored!

M: I’m very sorry madam. Your royal father used to be very amused by my impersonation of Columbus.

Q: You don’t surprise me. He used to laugh at these people with the
funny faces and the bells.

M: Ah, jesters ma’m.

Q: No, lepers. Where is Edmund these days?

M: Ah well, the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma’m, is that
Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.

Q: Oh. Do you think he would spend more time with me if I was a boy?

M: Surely not madam.

N: You almost were a boy, my little cherrypit.

Q: What?

N: Yeah. Out you popped, out of your mummies pumpkin and everybody shouting : “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”. And somebody said “but it hasn’t got a winkle!”. And then I said “A boy without a winkle? God
be praised, it is a miracle. A boy without a winkle!” And then Sir
Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl. Anyway, I was really disappointed.

M: Oh yes, well you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas Moore.

Q: Oh, what *has* happened about Edmund? There is something very odd about someone who spends all his time with a servant.

[Romantic interlude with Edmund and Bob walking in the countryside to the tunes of “Greensleeves”, “The Rain it Raineth Every Day”, “Hey Nonny, I Love You”, “My Love is a Prick (On a Tudor Rose)”, “Hot Sex Madrigal in the Middle of my Tights” and “Many, many more…”]

Bells-blackadder

E: Well Bob. We’re a couple of fine lads together, aren’t we? Let’s get
ratted and talk about girls eh? Yes we could sink to really dirty
songs and… oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young
Bob.

b: I’m honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with
you… old man.

E: Well absolutely. I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal
than having a good chum.

b: What think you my lord of love?

E: You mean rumpy pumpy?

b: What would you say my lord if I were to say “I love you”.

E: Eum, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. If
you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick, if you said it
to Baldrick I would presume you were blind and if you said it to me,
well…

b: Yes, my lord?

E: Well, well I’d naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about back-tickle as the way we healthy fellows often do and I’d probably grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we’d probably slap each others sides like jolly good chums and laugh at what it would be like if we really did fancy each other.

b: In that case my lord… I love you!
[Bob and Edmund engage in friendly wrestling, just when the mood changes,
Baldrick enters the room]

B: Don’t worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.

E: Why didn’t you go Baldrick? Mighty glad to see you[?] What do you want?

B: Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Earlier the
towns bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed
into the Thames with all the other turds.

E: Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help your self. I was just off to bed
anyway. Euh.. good night Baldrick. Good night Bob.

b: Good night my lord.

E: Yes. Oh God…

At the doctors.

D: Now then what seems to be the trouble?

E: Well, it is my man servant.

D: I see. Well don’t be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your man servant on the table and we’ll take a look at him.

E: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.

D: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

E: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He’s perfect
and last night I almost kissed him.

D: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

E: Not boys. A boy.

D: Yes, well let’s not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and
naturally you’re worried.

E: Of course I’m worried.

D: Well, of course you are. It isn’t every day a man wakes up to
discover he’s a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods
clean earth than a weasle. Ashamed of your self?

E: Not really, no.

D: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just
leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

E: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?

D: No, it’s all part of the service. I think you’re in luck though. An
extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind
of sordid problem.

E: It wouldn’t have anything to do with leeches, would it?

D: I had no idea you were a medical man.

E: Never had anything you doctors didn’t try to cure with leeches. A
leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

D: They’re marvellous, aren’t they?

E: Well, the bottom one wasn’t. I just sat there and squashed it.

D: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

E: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn’t it?

D: That’s right, the great Hoffmann.

E: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.

D: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I’m a busy man. As far
as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I
can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]

Blackadder - a course of leeches

E: Yes. I ‘ll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.

D: No, no, no, no. Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t the dark ages. Just
pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.
In a couple of weeks you ‘ll be beating your servant with a stick,
just like the rest of us.

E: You’re a sale[?] quack, aren’t you?

D: I’d rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

At the house of lord Blackadder.

B: Anything to follow my lord? There is this lovely fat spider I found
in the bath. I was saving it for my self but if you fancy it…

E: Shut up Baldrick. I don’t eat invertebrates for fun you know. This
is doctors orders.

B: Oh, I don’t hold with this new fangle doctoring. Any problems, I go
to the Wise woman!

E: Yes Baldrick. I am long past on trusting my self to some deranged
druid who gives her professional address as 1, Dunghill Mansions,
Putney.

In Putney.

Yes it is, not that it be - Blackadder quote

E: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?

C: That it be, that it be.

E: “Yes it is”. Not “that it be”. You don’t have to talk in that stupid
voice to me. I’m not a tourist. I seek information about a
Wisewoman.

C: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.

E: Yes, the Wisewoman.

C: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is
… a woman, and second, she is …

E: .. wise?

C: You do know her then?

E: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you’ll
be getting if you don’t start being a bit more helpful. Do you know
where she lives?

C: Of course.

E: Where?

C: Here. Do you have an appointment?

E: No.

C: Well, you can go in anyway.

E: Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys… which I’m not
going to give to you.

W: Hail Edmund, lord of Adders Black.

E: Hello.

W: Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plot is,
Blackadder: thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of
wine. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

E: No, no, no, no. it is far worse than that. I’m in love with my man
servant.

W: Oh well, I’d sleep with him if I were you.

E: What?

W: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them
first of course! Being so old and watty.

E: But what about my position, my social life?

W: Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning
plans to cure thy ailment.

E: Oh good.

W: The first is simple. Kill Bob!

E: Never.

W: Then try the second. Kill your self!

E: Neu. And the third?

W: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.

E: Ha, that sounds more like it. How?
W: Kill everybody in the whole world. Ah, ha, ha …

At the house of Lord Blackadder.

E: Now look here Bob. I’ve got something very important to say to you and I want you to listen very carefully.

b: Yes.

E: Look Bob. I’ve decided that you are to leave my service.

b: Oh no, my lord! My father will starve and I’ll have to become a..
male prostitute. And besides, I thought we were friends.

E: Oh we are friends Bob. Of course, of course.. In fact that’s the
reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in[?] chum.

b: Oh my lord!

E: Now. I want to make definitely clear that I am in no way interested in the contents of your tights.

b: You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.

E: Euh, ah.. I’ve learned of my self, well.. that I know what a
gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much.

b: But my lord, I have a great secret.

E: What?

b: Prepare to be amazed. [Bob starts unbuttoning her blouse]

E: Oh no. You haven’t got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you?

b: No.

E: Or, or, or a tattoo saying “Get it here”?

b: No.

E: Oh God. You’ve got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward, haven’t you?

b: No my lord.

E: Now what can it possibly be?

[Mysterious music on a flute]
E: Aah… good Lord!

[Two minutes later, Bob and Edmund chatting at the table]

E: What was all that Bob’s stuff about then?

b: Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have so many women before.

E: Would I?

b: Yes. But now you have a chance to grow to love me for what I really am.

E: Yes, that’s true and now I want to marry you, Bob.

b: Kate!

E: Then come, kiss me Kate!

In the Court of Queen Elizabeth.

M: I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder.

Q: Oh good.

M: It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

Q: It is a very odd name for a girl, isn’t it? Girls are normally
called Elizabeth or Mary.

N: And Donald…

Q: Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.

N: Thing is true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called
Donald, Eric and Basil.

Q: Then why is your name Nursie?

N: That ain’t my real name.

Q: Isn’t it?

N: No.

Q: No, what is your real name then?

N: Bernard.

Q: Suits you, actually.
[Edmund enters the room]

E: Your Majesty.

Q: Oh, hello stranger.

E: I seek your permission to wed.

Q: So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?

M: Oh, but I must confess madam, that I’m astonished that Blackadder could possibly have eyes for any other woman than your self.

Q: Good point. Though slightly grovely.

E: Very well. When I fell in love I didn’t know she was a woman. I
thought she was a boy.

M: But of course that makes it perfectly acceptable, doesn’t it?

Q: Oh all right, go on and marry her.

E: Thank you, ma’m.

Q: Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as pretty as mine?

E: Oh, no, no.. ma’m.

Q: Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. And then you
would have to marry someone without a nose and that wouldn’t be very nice, would it?

E: No ma’m.

Q: Imagine the mess when she’s got a cold! Yuck!

E: Well, quite ma’m.

Q: All right, off you go then.
[Edmund leaves]

Q: Everyone seems to get married except me.

N: And me, Ma’m.

Q: Oh shut up, Bernard.

At Blackadders residence.

K: You’ll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no
actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn’t
afford friends.
E: It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that
your maid of honour should be a man.
B: Thank you very much my lord.
E: Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we
all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out
for christians around the globe if God looked any like you,
Baldrick.
K: Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look
sweet as a little pie.
E: Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.
[Percy enters]
S: Oh Edmund… [sees the bridesmaid]
Hello there… Edmund, you didn’t tell me we were expecting guests.
And such a pretty one too.
E: Oh God…
S: Now you’re a little cuty to be hiding your self away all these
years. Tell me gorgeous, what is your name?
E: He’s called Baldrick.
S: Baldrick.. that’s a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant
called Baldrick. But anyway, away with such small-talk. Lady.. a
kiss!
b: What?
S: And so modest too. Come on you little tease. You know you want to.
Give us a kiss.
b: All right, if you say so. [kisses Percy heavily]
S: Ohghw…he.. what an original perfume.
E: That is our Baldrick. He’s wearing a dress.
S: Ourgh..
E: Anyway, what do you want?
S: Ourgh… well euh.. [deep voice] Edmund, there has been some
discussion around the Court on the subject of who’s going to be your
best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject
to a conclusion.
E: Ah yes, Percy. I would like you…
S: Oh, I’m so proud!
E: Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover
where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and
adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.
S: Lord Flash Heart. The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and
the best kisser in the kingdom.
E: Even he. To Dover at once!
S: Yes. Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flash Heart as the best
man my self.
E: Were you?
[S leaves, crying his eyes out]

In front of the church.

[Wedding bells]
K: Edmund I cannot believe it is really happening.
E: It is, my sweet.
K: Before we go in I want you to meet my father.
E: Oh fine!
E: [to the old man standing near them] Excuse me, could you move along
please. Look, I’m waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is
some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of
cabbage.
F: I am your father in law.
E: Oh no… All right, how much you want to clear off?
K: Edmund, how could you? He’s my father, my only living relative.
F: Ten pounds should do the trick.
K: Father!
E: All right, there we go.
K: Edmund, you mustn’t!
E: No, don’t worry, I’ll get Baldrick to beat him up after the
ceremony. We’ll get the money back. Come on, we’re late.

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q: Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the
reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.
E: Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma’m, my best man still has not arrived.
Q: Well, get another one.
E: Ma’m, there is no one else I can really think of.
S: Euh.
E: Sorry Percy?
S: Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.
E: Don’t. I don’t want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.
Q: Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man.
E: Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy!
S: My lord!
E: Can you think of another best man?
S: Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.
E: Yes. But I can’t ask Baldrick. He’s a bridesmaid and besides, I need
a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.
S: I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.
E: Of course… Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and
being my best man?
Q: Edmund, don’t be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is
referring to.
E: All right, I’m sorry. Melchard! [squeak] All right! All right! As
ashamed as I am and contradiction in terminus though it is, Percy,
you can be the best man.
S: Oh, my lord! Noble cause, oh what an honour. I brought along a ring,
just…
E: I really did think old Flash would have turned up.

[Lord Flashheart enters in spectacular fashion]
F: It’s me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!

Flash by name, Flash by nature - Rik Mayall steals the scene in Blackadder series 2 episode 1
E: Where have you been?
F: Where haven’t I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I’m here now.
F: Who is that?
E: I don’t know, but he is in your place.
F: Not for long. Hold that.
[Hands his sword to Baldrick, then throws Percy through the door]
F: Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.
F: So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey? What’s the matter?
Can’t stand the pace of the mmmm [grabs Edmund’s tights].
Hey queeny. You look sexy. Listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it
that way.
Q: [to the camera] I’ve got such a crush on him.
F: Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard He started
worshipping ME…
Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did
I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down. And now… where is
this amazing bird? The one who stopped my old pall Eddie doing
exactly whatever he wants, ten times a night.
E: Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my… my fiancee Kate.
F: Hi, baby! [Flash kisses the bride]
F: She’s got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a
man’s tonsils. You don’t want to marry this jerk baby? Meet me on my
horse in eight seconds.
K: But I can’t run in this frock. You see, I found I actually preferred
wearing boys clothes.

Lord Flash always feels more comfy in a dress! Excellent cameo by Rik Mayall in Blackadder series 2
F: Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it’s as
hot as my pants.

E: What a man Flash is, eh? Things will certainly liven around here,
now he’s back. Flash. Flash??
[Flash (in dress) and Kate (in boys clothes) on a horse, about to depart]
F: So long, suckers! Next time you get bored with your lives just give
me a call and I’ll come round and kill you.
K: Bye Edmund and thanks for everything. Hurrah!
[Flash leaves in the same style as he arrived]

M: It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the
bridesmaid. I presume you intend to honour this.
B: I do.

[Theme Song]

So Flash Heart tweaked the Adders beard,
from now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
especially boys without a tingle.
Blackadder, Blackadder. His taste is rather odd.
Blackadder, Blackadder a randy little sod.
Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, you’re sexier by far.

BBC MCMLXXXV AD.
[The end]

Rowan Atkinson is back as Johnny English Strikes Again! (New film 2018)

Johnny English Official Trailer

Her Majesty’s greatest spy is back! Rowan Atkinson returns as Johnny English in the third installment of this spy action comedy. Here’s more details on its release, including the first trailer!

Rowan Atkinson in Johnny English Strikes Again

Johnny English Strikes Again

Johnny English is returning to the big screen for the third time!

Rowan Atkinson’s bumbling character is soon appearing in the new film Johnny English Strikes Again. We’ve got a sneak peak of the trailer for you below!

It seems that Johnny English is now a school teacher, but he’s still waiting for the chance to save the world once more.

And that chance comes, when all of the UK spies have their identities revealed. Johnny English is the only one that remains unaffected. Looks like our hero is the only man suitable for the job once more!

In this trailer, we see him messing around with virtual reality, launch missiles at French cyclists, and try out some magnetic boots!

Watch the Johnny English Strikes Again Trailer below:

Plot

Here’s what we know so far:

Johnny English Strikes Again is the third installment of the Johnny English comedy series, with Rowan Atkinson returning as the much loved accidental secret agent. The new adventure begins when a cyber-attack reveals the identity of all active undercover agents in Britain, leaving Johnny English as the secret service’s last hope. Called out of retirement, English dives head first into action with the mission to find the mastermind hacker. As a man with few skills and analogue methods, Johnny English must overcome the challenges of modern technology to make this mission a success.

Release

Johnny English Strikes Again was scheduled to be released on October 12, 2018 by Universal Pictures. The date was later moved down to September 20, 2018. Watch this space though, as the film’s release date could be changed yet again. Whenever it comes out, it looks like a film to watch out for in 2018. If only they would make a new season of Blackadder…..

Cast

Here’s the cast list we have so far for the new Johnny English film:

  • Rowan Atkinson as Johnny English
  • Olga Kurylenko as Ophelia
  • Ben Miller as Angus Bough
  • Emma Thompson as Prime Minister
  • Jake Lacy as Jason
  • Miranda Hennessy as Tara
  • David Mumeni as Fabian
  • Tuncay Gunes as Ted Guest
  • Nick Owenford as Australian Aide
  • Junichi Kajioka as Japanese Diplomat

Nigel Planer Blackadder – Lord Smedley in Nob and Nobility

Nigel Planer in Blackadder played Lord Smedley who was one half of the Scarlet Pimpernel

Nigel Planer (Born February 22, 1953) is one of the three main Young Ones actors to have appeared in Blackadder. As Lord Smedley, Nigel Planer’s Blackadder appearance was made in series 3, Nob and Nobility.

Nigel Planer

To many people of a certain generation, Nigel Planer will always be Neil from the Young Ones. Along with two other members of the main Young Ones cast though, he also appeared in Blackadder.

Nigel Planer as Neil from the Young Ones

Lord Smedley

Although he didn’t have the most memorable cameo appearance in Blackadder, it was nice to see Nigel Planer join the Blackadder cast for an episode.

He had to wait until series 3 though, in the episode title Nob and Nobility.

As Lord Smedley, Nigel Planer is an incredibly annoying friend of Prince George.

He is also, it is later revealed, one half of an undercover duo rescuing French aristocrats known as the Scarlet Pimpernel.

Blackadder meets Lord Smedley

An unfortunate end

Sadly, Lord Smedley comes to rather an unfortunate end in the episode.

Entering the cell of Blackadder and Baldrick disguised as Madame Guillotine, his aim was to rescue the boys, but first he wanted to have some fun.

Unbeknown to him though, Blackadder had a cunning plan of his own to escape.

He gives Lord Smedley a suicide pill, who then dies a rather elaborate death.

Blackadder Kills The Scarlet Pimpernell

Here’s a look at the final dramatic moments, as Blackadder poisons the Scarlet Pimpernel.

British comedy fans will perhaps also recognise Chris Barrie as the Evil Revolutionary.

Chris Barrie is of course better known as Rimmer from Red Dwarf.

”Hooray its the scarlet Pimpernel!”
”Yes Baldrick”
”And you killed him!”

Other Young Ones Actors in Blackadder

As mentioned, two other main actors from the Young Ones appeared in Blackadder.

Everyone knows Rik Mayall appeared as Lord Flashheart of course.

It’s often overlooked that he was in the very first series of Blackadder as Mad Gerald though.

The other actor, Adrian Edmondson, appeared in Blackadder Goes Forth.