Blackadder Series I, Episode 4 – The Queen of Spains Beard Full Script

Blackadder series 1, episode 4 is called The Queen of Spains Beard. In this episode, Blackadder must marry in order to ensure alliances between kingdoms. The episode deals with a number of taboo subjects, such as pre-marital sex, homosexuality, and even child-marriage in a slapstick, and bawdy manner. One of the funniest scenes, is where Blackadder dresses flamboyantly in an effort to stress he ‘prefers the company of men’, only to find that the Spanish Infanta believes him to have made an effort to dress in a Spanish style! The full script for Blackadder Series 1, Episode 4 The Queen of Spains Beard is below.

Blackadder Series 1 Episode 4 The Queen of Spains Beard

The full script for Blackadder Series 1, Episode 4 The Queen of Spains Beard


(On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet)

Lady: O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle
of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive
into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the
ramparts of my plumpies, for I’m yours (removes her cloak) and yours

Man: (taking off his hood, revealing he’s Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh)
And I’m yours!

Lady: Eugh! Edmund! I thought you your brother! (pushes Edmund off the
rampart; dogs are heard attacking him)

(Opening theme)

Caption: In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse
of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and
fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own
side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations
every week.

(The King is on the floor in a room with a large map and large figures.
Lord Chiswick is on the floor beating a drum, and two other men are
standing, looking over a large piece of paper.)

Caption: The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so
than England….

King: (???)

Chiswick: (stops beating the drum) Yes, My Lord. (begins to pick up one of
the human figures)

King: The Swiss are always cowards.

(Chiswick doesn’t pick up the figure, and goes back to drum-beating.)

King: (????????????)

(Messenger 3 enters)

Messenger 3: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.

King: Excellent! (to one of the men standing) Wessex, while they’re away,
take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.

Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.

King: Oh yes… Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?

(Lord Wessex leaves)

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in symapthy
for the death of his son.

Chiswick: The one you had murdered, My Lord…

King: Yes, that’s the fellow.

(enter Prince Harry)

Harry: Father–

Messenger 3: (turns to Harry) My Lord–

Harry: (shouts) Will you get away from me!!!

(Messenger 3 runs out)

King: (laughs) Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know
where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don’t you, my boy…

Harry: Well, actually, I don’t, Father, but I would like to know.

King: (points to Harry’s groin) There.

Harry: (lifts his robes) Are you sure? I can’t imagine anything of any real
interest down there.

King: Let me explain. What’s that for?

Harry: Well, a couple of things…

King: Correct, and one of those things is…?

Harry: Best not mentioned, really.

King: Right! And the other is fornication!

(Harry looks a bit surprised, as though that wasn’t the one he thought
was mentionable.)

King: And without fornication, there is no marriage; and without marriage,
there is no diplomacy.

Harry: Oh I see!

King: Very good. Come on, let me explain further. (takes Harry to the map on
the floor) You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most
threatening to France. The answer, of course, is — Chiswick…

(Chiswick moves one of the human figures on the map.)

King: …Spain. And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is
marriage. Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish
Infanta! (laughs)

Chiswick: (shakes King’s hand) Oh, congratulations, Your Majesty!

Harry: Actually, I don’t think I can.

King: What? Why not?

Harry: Well, I am already engaged.

King: (louder) What? Who to, boy?

Harry: Princess Leia of Hungary… and the Grand Duchess Ursula of Branden-
burg; and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland; and, er (starts to read from a
a list), Countess Caroline of Luxembourg; Bertha of Flanders; Bertha
of Brussels; Bernard of Saxe-Coburg; and Jezebel of Estonia. (Confused
about the male name in there, he checks his list) No no no, sorry,
that should be >Bertha< of Saxe-Coburg… (looks shocked at the list)
…and >Jeremy< of Estonia.

King: Damn, damn, damn, damn! But if I haven’t got a son to marry her, then
the whole plan falls apart!

Chiswick: Your Majesty…

King: Yes?

Chiswick: You do have another son, My Lord.

King: What? (realises this a fact) By God, of course! You’re right. The
slimy one — what’s his name?

Chiswick: Edmund, My Lord.

King: Yes, Osmund. Osmund can marry the Infanta!

Harry: Excellent!

King: Then with the Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the
French, (`Huzzah!’ from the three other men; he slashes with his sword)
by dividing their forces into two (`Huzzah!’) — preferably their top
halves from their bottom! (`Huzzah!’)


(cut to Edmund washing off his dog bite wounds; Percy and Baldrick enter)

Percy: ‘morning, My Lord. (gives Edmund’s dwarf a scrap of food)

Baldrick: ‘morning, My Lord.

Edmund: ‘morning.

Baldrick: My God, what’s happened to your neck?

Edmund: Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they’re love bites, actually!

Baldrick: Look more like dog bites to me.

Edmund: Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal!

Percy: Really, My Lord!

Edmund: Oh yes!

Percy: Fight to the death, eh! (they both laugh; Baldrick goes over to feed
the dwarf)

Edmund: Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, “Make love
and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease.”

As my tutor old bubble face used to say: make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease

Baldrick: Actually, I’d be prepared to swear they were dog bites.

Edmund: They are >not< dog bites! She was very attractive.

Baldrick: Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes…

Edmund: No, Baldrick! It was a woman!

Baldrick: Fair enough, My Lord.

Edmund: Right. Now that’s sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today?

Percy: Well, My Lord, first, I thought that you and I (he and Edmund sneer at
Baldrick, the lowly peasant) might get out a couple of prisoners, and
actually I think Baldrick may have a point there; they do look rather
like dog bites.

Edmund: (jumps around) Yes, yes, all right, all right! They’re dog bites!
They’re dog bites! I’ve got bitten by a dog! A woman pushed me off
off a rampart because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got
ravaged by a raving dog! Does that satisfy you?

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord, yes!

Edmund: Good! Excellent! Good! Right! Yes, Percy, you were saying?

Percy: Right, My Lord. Well, I thought that we might…so it wasn’t a woman?

Edmund: (jumps again) No! It was a dog! It was a dog! It was a bloody great
dog! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!

Percy: Right, My Lord.

Edmund: Ar!

Percy: Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn’t he?

Baldrick: Yeah.

Edmund: Shut up! I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.

Baldrick: What about dogs?

Edmund: …or dog– Shut up, Baldrick. I never want to see a woman again. If
any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her: The Black Adder is
a venomous reptile, and women are his prey.

(There is a knock at the door)

Edmund: Enter! Unless you’re a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown
out of the window!! with your dog…

(Messenger 3 enters.)

Messenger 3: My Lord, I bring a message.

Edmund: Yes, obviously — you’re a messenger.

Messenger 3: You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.

Edmund: (puts his hands on his hips) What?

Messenger 3: (puts his hands on his hips) My Lord, I bring a message.
You are engaged–

Edmund: Yes, yes, yes… (waves his hand)

(Messenger 3 waves his hand)

Edmund: Ah… (puts his hand on his neck)

(Messenger 3 puts his hand on his neck)

Edmund: Go on, get out. (waves his other hand, then starts to push Messenger 3)

(Messenger 3 waves his other hand, then starts to push Edmund)

Edmund: Get out! (pushes Messenger 3 with both hands)

(Messenger 3 pushes Edmund with both hands)

Edmund: Out, out, out! (manages to close the door behind Messenger 3)
Well, boys, did you hear that? I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.

Percy: Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her?

Edmund: What?

Percy: “The Black Adder is venomous reptile–”

Edmund: No, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful
royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.

(Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs.)

(at the court)

Harry: (approaches Edmund, Percy and Baldrick; he is escorting a beautiful
black-haired young woman) Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero
que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion.

Edmund: (enthralled by the woman’s beauty; giggles a bit before coming
to his senses) Hmm?

Harry: It’s Spanish. It means “Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the
drains to your satisfaction.” Well, here you are (gives Edmund a piece
a paper); I’ve jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice
with the Infanta.

(Edmund looks confused)

Harry: Oh, by the way, I don’t think you know the Countess Caroline
of Luxembourg.

Edmund: (disappointed that this woman wasn’t the Infanta) No. How do you do,
young lady?

Harry: Well, good luck. (Walks away, speaking to Caroline) Er, bienvenu a
notre chateau, Caroline. J’espere que vous trouvez……

Edmund: Luxembourg, hah!

Baldrick: My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with

Edmund: No, I haven’t!

Baldrick: Seethe, seethe, seethe. If he goes on seething like that much longer,
he’ll turn into a seethe.

Edmund: Baldrick, what are you talking about?

Percy: My Lord…

Edmund: Yes, what is it?

Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta’s eyes are more beautiful than
the famous Stone of Galveston.

Edmund: Mm! … What?

Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

Edmund: And what’s that, exactly?

Percy: Well, it’s a famous blue stone, and it comes (points dramatically)
from Galveston.

Edmund: I see. And what about it?

Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta’s eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?

Percy: (nods) No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who
have, and they say it’s very very blue indeed.

Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta’s eyes?

Percy: No, I shouldn’t think so, My Lord.

Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.

Percy: No, My Lord.

Edmund: So, what you’re telling me, Percy, is that something you have never
seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

Percy: (finally begins to grasp) Yes, My Lord.

(A fanfare is played as a rather fat woman enters, followed by a
tall Spaniard.)

Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole
in the head…

(Percy bows. The woman sees Edmund and is very excited. She and the
Spaniard approach him, while he still talks to Percy. Baldrick sees
her and from now on constantly tries subtly to get Edmund’s

Edmund: …an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having
had a brain.

(The woman — the Infanta — is standing behind Edmund, while her
interpreter — Don Speekingleesh — is beside him.)

Don: Hello.

Edmund: (turns briefly) Hello. (turns back to Percy) Here I am awaiting the
arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing–

Don: Hello!

Edmund: Look, leave me alone, will you, I’m trying to talk to someone.
(to Percy) …while you’re wittering away like a pox-ridden \
moor hen– \
Infanta: Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio! /

Don: You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!

Edmund: What? (turns to Percy) Percy, is he a friend of yours?
Someone you (???)? \
Infanta: (???????????)! /

Don: You are the only one for me. I merely want to hug and kiss you!

(Edmund punches Don)

Infanta: Esto la Infanta!

Don: I am the Infanta!

Edmund: What? No-one told me you had a beard! Ha!

Percy: Must be Jeremy of Estonia!

Edmund: The very (???)

Infanta: (moves to in front of Edmund) Esto la Infanta!

Edmund: Well, absolutely… (quintupletakes; leaps frightenedly into Percy’s

Infanta: Esperara que esto momento todo mi viva! (kisses Edmund)

Don: I have waited for this moment all of my life!

Infanta: Tu nariz mas pequen~a que yo esperara.

Don: Your nose is smaller than I expected.

Edmund: I have suffered no similar disappointment.

(Don whispers interpretations into Infanta’s ear; and does so
throughout the rest of the episode.)

Infanta: Oh, amor mio! amor mio! (kisses Edmund)

Don: My love, my love.

(The kiss lasts for several seconds; bringing Edmund to his feet;
finally he is able to push away.)

Infanta: Oh! Me gusta tu labios!

Don: Your lips I like.

(Edmund feels his lips, as though they may have been sucked off.)

Infanta: Esto de tu cuerpo lo que me interese!

Don: It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about!

(Infanta licks her lips; Edmund covers his face, then peeks through
a couple fingers for a moment before covering again)

(cut to map room; King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum)

King: ???? and (?) their gizzards. (laughs)

(Messenger 1 arrives)

Messenger 1: My Lord, news…

King: What?

Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived.

King: Ah, good news!

(Messenger 1 leaves)

King: Soon we will have Spain in our grip.

(Messenger 2 arrives)

Messenger 2: My Lord, news…

King: What?

Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings.

King: Ah, good news!

(Messenger 2 leaves)

King: My diplomacy triumphs.

(Messenger 3 arrives)

Messenger 3: My Lord, news…

King: What?

Messenger 3: Lord Wessex is dead.

King: (raises his arms in triumph; Messenger 3 raises his arms too)
Ah– (lowers his arms) This news is not so good.

Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?

King: I like it not. Bring me some other news.

Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?


Messenger 3: Yes, My Lord!

(Messenger 3 leaves; King tosses things aroung angrily;
Messenger 4 enters — actually just Messenger 3 pretending to be
a new messenger delivering new news.)

Messenger 4: My Lord, news…

King: What?

Messenger 4: Lord Wessex is not dead.

King: Ah, good news! (lifts his arms halfway; Messenger 4 does also)
Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!

Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord.

King: Oh yes (points at Messenger 4; Messenger 4 points at King): and tell
Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.

Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord. (leaves)

King: (seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage,
tosses it aside) Chiswick, fresh horses!

(in Edmund’s room; Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain;
Edmund and Baldrick rush in)

Edmund: Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I’ll be married to a walrus! (locks
the door)

Baldrick: But, My Lord, you can’t just lock her out, you know.

Edmund: Well, you may be right. (pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to
shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal
spikes coming out) That should hold her for at least a minute!

Percy: Wait a moment, My Lord. I think I may have a plan to get you out of
this marriage.

Edmund: Yes, but it’s a stupid plan, Percy, let’s face it!

Percy: (offended) Oh, well, yes, yes, maybe you’re right.

Edmund: (desperate) But… tell me what it is anyway.

Percy: Er, no, actually I don’t think I’ll bother, My Lord.

Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please
tell me.

Percy: (enjoying seeing Edmund grovel) All right: I go along to the Infanta’s
room and tell her that you’ve gone mad. She comes to the door, and you
meet her disguised as a little pig. Then — and this is the cunning
bit — instead of saying `oink oink’, you say `mooooo’!

Edmund: Then…?

Percy: Well, then she’ll know you’re mad, and leave!

(Edmund points up; Percy looks up; Edmund slaps Percy)

Edmund: You were right, Percy — you shouldn’t have bothered.

Baldrick: My Lord…

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: I also have a plan.

Edmund: Yes?

Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?

Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!

Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, >intimate< company of men…?

Edmund: You don’t mean…like the Earle of Doncaster…?

Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.

Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of
Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was

Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?

Edmund: Well, no-one wou– (realises) Brilliant! Of course! No-one would
marry the Earle of Doncaster! … except, perhaps, the Duke of
Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?

Baldrick: Well, first we’ve got to get you looking right. Just need to drape
something effeminate round your shoulders.

Edmund: Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.

(a little later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his

Baldrick: Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practise with Percy.

Edmund: (shocked) Practise what?

Baldrick: Presentation, My Lord!

Edmund: Oh, I see.

Baldrick: (moving Percy) You stand over here, and, My Lord, just there.
Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself
attractive to you.

Percy: Attractive?

Edmund: You know, like the Earle of Doncaster.

Percy: Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. (waves seductively at Edmund)

Edmund: No, you act normal! I’m the Earle of Doncaster!

Percy: Oh, I see.

Edmund: It’s me… Right.

Baldrick: Right. (holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a
boxing match) Go! (stands aside)

(Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all)

Edmund: Oh my God, this is impossible! I can’t do this!

Baldrick: Never mind. I’ve a couple more things that might help. (exits)

Edmund: Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?

Percy: Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.

Edmund: Ah, right. Erm…

Percy: (in a high-pitched — not falsetto — voice) Hello there!

Edmund: (in his normal voice) Er, hello. How are you?

Percy: I’m fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund’s going to marry the Spanish

Edmund: No he damn well isn’t!!! (attacks Percy) And anyone who (????)!
Do you hear me?

(Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up
behind him, grabbing Percy’s neck. Baldrick enters, carrying some
more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position.)

Baldrick: (smiling) Yes, that’s the kind of thing!

(Edmund quickly stands up)

(at court; Edmund now wears a lot of colourful things, including a hat and
lipstick, and dangles a handkerchief; Percy has some sort of colourful rod,
perhaps a riding crop, which he toys with effeminately; Baldrick dangles a

(a fanfare is played)

Edmund: Look out, here she comes! (they strike up effeminate poses)

(King enters)

King: (passing Edmund) ‘morning, Doncaster! (turns to Lord Chiswick, giving
him an urn) Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples.

Chiswick: What is it, My Lord?

King: The King of Naples.

Chiswick: Immediately, My Lord. (he and King exit)

(a fanfare is played)

Edmund: Right. Quick, quick! (they return to their effeminate poses)

(Prince Harry enters, escorting another beautiful young woman)

Edmund: (not wishing to appear this way in front of the beautiful woman,
he tries to take off the hat) Oh my God!

Harry: (sees Edmund’s getup) Ah, some lark for the stag party, wot?

Edmund: Erm, yes, yes, that’s right.

Harry: I don’t think you’ve met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.

Edmumd: (as deeply as he can) No. How do you do, Ursula?

Harry: Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the
wedding feast. I thought perhaps I’d go for a fruit motif.

Edmund: (reacting to the word `fruit’, tries to speak even deeper) Yes…?

Harry: Something like, er, “It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome
you, er, may you be the apple of your husband’s eye, and may he, in
turn, cherries you…” — `Cherish’, you see — “…even though it’s
an oranged marriage.” (they laugh; Edmund deeply) Good, eh?

Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.

Harry: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I’m hoping to squeeze in a `banana’
by the end of the day. (walks off, talking to Ursula) Wilkommen in
unserer Schloss, Ursula…

(a fanfare is played)

Baldrick: OK, My Lord, this is it. (they all pose again)

Edmund: (now speaking normally) Right…

(The Queen enters)

Edmund: (tired of all these false alarms) Oh, Mother, for Chrissakes, what
do you want?

Queen: (shocked at his attitude) Oh! Nothing, nothing…

Edmund: (waves her and the woman she entered with aside) dit dit dit dit!

(Queen and the woman walk off; Infanta and Don enter before their
fanfare is finished, before Edmund and company have a chance to
get into their poses; she sees Edmund and starts to cry)

Edmund: It’s working… It’s working…

Infanta: Oh, te abrazo y te amo totalmente!

Don: Oh, I embrace and love you utterly!

Edmund: What?

Infanta: Que el amor ese este que tu a disfrazas como un espan~ol para
complacer mi! (she hugs and kisses Edmund)

Don: Oh, what a love this must be that you dress as a Spanish man to
delight me!

Edmund: (upset) Oh, Baldrick!

Infanta: Que amor, que amor, que amor!

Don: What love, what love, what love.

Edmund: Baldrick, you fool!

Queen: (to the woman she came in with) Look at the two lovebirds!

Edmund: One lovebird and one love-elephant!

Look at the two love birds!

Queen: It’s almost as if they were married already.

Edmund: (while being smothered by Infanta) What did you say?

Queen: It’s almost as if you were married already!

Edmund: That’s what I thought you said! (he struggles) Boys…

Baldrick & Percy: Yes, My Lord. (they try to free him from Infanta)

Edmund: I think I have another plan.

(in a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk — Rev. Lloyd — unconscious;
Edmund runs down a field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of
flowers to a woman; Edmund, still in his `effeminate’ dress, runs between
them, ending up with the flowers; Percy chats with a woman — Tally — in a
small cottage; she smiles surprised and giggles when she hears what he says.
Later, in the cottage, Lloyd is setting up a makeshift altar; Tally still
is giggling.)

Edmund: Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!

Percy: Yes, I know, but it’s only for a couple of days, isn’t it…

Edmund: Ah yes, that’s true. Come on, hurry up, Father!

Lloyd: Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to
bear witness, at very short notice…

(Tally laughs)

Lloyd: …to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund,
Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom.

(Tally laughs)

Lloyd: Is that right?

Tally: Yes, that’s right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of
Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! (laughs)

Edmund: Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?

Lloyd: Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Edmund: No, I’m a bowl of soup!

Blackadder Quote from First Series

(Tally laughs)

Edmund: Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…

Lloyd: And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?

Tally: Mrs.

Lloyd: Er, Mrs. … (realises) Ah…

Edmund: Ah… (looks at Percy)

Percy: Ah…

Edmund: (stammers a bit) Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!

Lloyd: Yes, but surely if she’s–

Edmund: Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn’t just a bit

Lloyd: But this is most unusual!

(Baldrick holds a knife to Lloyd’s throat)

Lloyd: Well, mind you, hasn’t the Church always dealt with the unusual? The
miracle with the fishes, for example. We’ll continue. (he puts a hand
behind his back, fingers crossed) So, no-one knows any cause or just
impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matimony.

Edmund: No.

Baldrick: No.

Percy: No.

Tally: No.

Lloyd: No.

(A man — Thomas — enters, carrying a scythe)

Thomas: Yes!

Lloyd: Ah… (a bit confused at what’s supposed to happen when someone says
yes) And, er, you are…?

Thomas: Mr. Applebottom.

Lloyd: Then you are the father of the bride…

Thomas: No, I’m the >husband< of the…`bride’.

Tally: Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiance, the Duke
of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O’–

Lloyd: …Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. (He quickly
begins to gather up his things)

Edmund: (he backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick
hide behind him) Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could
possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need
her for a very short stint…

Thomas: Get out!!!

Edmund: Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!

Thomas: Get out of here!!!

(Baldrick, Percy and Edmund leave)

Tally: (shocked at her husband’s behaviour) That was the Duke of Edinburgh,
you know!

Thomas: No — that’ll be the Earle of Doncaster…

(outside the throne room; Infanta, Don and Queen sit on a bench)

Infanta: Ah, esto estas bien.

Don: Well, this is nice.

Queen: Oh, yes.

Infanta: (Hablierto?) poco de cosas de mujeres.

Don: …to have a little talk about a lady’s things.

Infanta: Si’ — los dos solas.

Don: Just the two of us.

Queen: Oh, yes, yes.

Infanta: Si’, bueno. Sen~ora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses.

Don: So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen.

The Queen of Spains Beard

Queen: Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with
other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one

Infanta: (grins) Que? Que?

Don: And what is that?

Queen: Well, it’s a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins,
and, of course, the other thing…

Infanta: Que el otro? Que el otro?

Don: And what is the other thing?

Queen: (as though it’s obvious) Oh, well, custard!

Don: Crema!

Infanta: (laughs) No… Edmundo; que tal es?

Don: Edmund; what’s he like?

Queen: Well, I told you: this pudding…

Infanta: No no no…

Queen: No?

Infanta: En la cama! (puts her hands together, resting them on her cheek)

Don: No — what’s he like in bed?

Queen: Oh. Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of

Don: No, no, no… (concentrating on the words) What is he like?

Queen: Oh. Well, he’s like a little rabbit, really.

Infanta: Conejo?! (giggles excitedly about this) Mama, mama, cuanto le quiero!
(she moves over to hug Queen, forces Don to bend forward)

Don: Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!

(in Edmund’s room; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are wearing antlers, and none
of them are at all excited; a dog is cooking over a fire)

Edmund: I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this —
the most depressing night of my life.

Baldrick: Well, My Lord, at least you can take solace from one thing.

Edmund: What’s that?

Baldrick: You can be pretty sure your wife’s a virgin.

Edmund: Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she
wasn’t, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you’ve still got
to be a virgin.

Baldrick: Right.

(Edmund gets an idea and looks at Percy.)

Percy: What, My Lord?

(Edmund’s eyes move to Baldrick.)

Percy: Oh! (he also looks at Baldrick, grinning)

Baldrick: Oh, no… No… NO!

Edmund: Yes! Yes! (stands) YES!

(later, outside the Infanta’s bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume
on Baldrick, who is in a nightshirt)

Baldrick: Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider.

Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I’d take it.

Baldrick: But I’ll die in there.

Edmund: Don’t worry — we’ll give you a hero’s funeral; bury you at sea; say
you died in combat with an enemy vessel. That’s it. There we are.
Go on, in you go. (pats him on the head) Little boy with big job to
do… Come on, Percy, let’s get the King.

(Edmund leaves. Percy begins to but then turns to Baldrick. They
shake hands then embrace for a while, Percy half crying, half
laughing. Percy then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The
room is completely dark — nothing can be seen.)

Baldrick: Infanta… Infanta…

Infanta: Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!

Don: Oh Edmund, my love!

Infanta: Ohh!!!

(in map room; Edmund and Percy enter)

Edmund: My Lord, Your Majesty…

King: What?

(in the bedroom)

(moans from both Infanta and Baldrick)

(in map room)

Edmund: I bring the gravest of news.

King: What; have the armies of the Rhine been slaughtered to a man and their
heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the
traditional Swiss manner?

Edmund: No, My Lord.

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: No te de tengas, sen~or (sapiente?)!

(Baldrick’s noises are muffled)

Don: Don’t hold back, please, my little one.

(in map room)

King: Do you bring me news of the Russian royal family mistaken for bison
due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to
pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?

Edmund: No, My Lord.

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: (loudly) Ooohhhhh!!!!

Don: Securo!

(in map room)

King: Well, what then?

Edmund: My Lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin. (puts his fingers to
his head, acting distraught)

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: Oooooaaahh…

(in map room)

King: Oh yes, I know that!

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: Mas…

(in map room)

King: Her uncle told me.

(in the bedroom)

Don: Again please!

(in map room)

King: We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.

Edmund: But I thought that–

King: Only one of you has to be a virgin!

(Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused.)

King: Anything else?

(Edmund turns away. Percy starts to say, “But…” as though he
thought — or had been told (like early in this episode) — that
Edmund wasn’t a virgin. Edmund shoos him outside, however, and
follows Percy out.) [Brian Blessed (King) is heard to mutter about
something being better — perhaps referring to the take of that

(later, in the court; Edmund’s marriage commences; King is in the back with
a soldier, moving figures about on a small map)

Archbishop: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together, here in the sight of
Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians.

(Baldrick also is in attendance; his face is black and blue.)

Archbishop: Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Edmund: Yes, I am…

Archbishop: And are you Maria Escalosa (fiena?) Infanta?

Infanta: Si’, si’, si’! (Dante?) prisa, estupido! (Deja? [that’s French!])
que mi (?????) muslos de abraze!

Don: Yes, you stupid person, hurry up — I wish to entwine him again in my
broad thighs.

Archbishop: Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. If any man
here knows just cause why they may not be married… \
Edmund: (he looks up, and we hear his thoughts) Oh, dear Lord, please /
help me now! /

Archbishop: …let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Edmund: (looks up; thinks) Now’s your chance!

Archbishop: So be it.

Edmund: (looks up; thinks) Oh, thanks a lot!

King: Come on, hurry up!

Archbishop: (faster) Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria Escalosa… \
Don: Usted, Edmundo Plantagenato– /

Archbishop: Oh, do shut up!

Don: Silencio!

Archbishop: …to be your lawful wedded wife; to have and to hold; to cherish
and to delight; (he looks at Infanta and lets his words slip)
to chastise and to beat until death? (comes to his senses)
Er, until death do you part?

(Edmund nods reluctantly)

King: Speak up — can’t hear a thing back here!

Edmund: (weakly) I do.


Edmund: I do, I do, I do!!!

(Infanta is delighted at his apparent excitement)

Archbishop: Do you, Maria Escalosa Infanta…

Infanta: Si’! Si’! Si’!

Archbishop: …take Edmund Plantagenet to be your lawful wedded husband?

Don: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Edmund: Oh no!!!

Archbishop: I then pronounce you–

Messenger 3: (entering) Stop!

Archbishop: …Christ!!!

Messenger 3: I bring absolutely unbelievable news that must halt the wedding!

(Edmund really is excited now)

King: What; have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other
at a mountain-pass rendez-vous, then forged a clandestine alliance
with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by
chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?

Messenger 3: (looks at his scroll, reads it through to himself) Yes.

King: As I thought! Are there any Hungarian princesses in the castle?

Harry: Oh, yes, Father, I think I’ve got one. (looks at his list) Erm, yes:
Princess Leia of Hungary.

Edmund: What’s she like?

Harry: (turns over slip of paper) Leia is, er, “young and beautiful, her eyes
are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.”

Edmund: Oh, well! That sounds all right, doesn’t it!

Infanta: (approaches King) Que pasa, King? Que pasa?

Don: Excuse me, what is happening, please?

King: Call her into the court! (turns to Infanta) And as for that great
Spanish dumpling there…

(Infanta, hearing the interpretation, slaps Don)

King: …get her out of my sight at once, or I’ll eat her! Yaaah!!!

Infanta: (approaches Edmund) Amor mio! Al lado de mi! Amor mio!

Don: My love! Beside me! Beside me!

Edmund: Sorry, what can I do — politics!

(Infanta and Don are taken away by a soldier)

King: Come on, come on, come on! Where is she? Where is she? Where is
Princess Leia?

(Edmund looks down the row of beautiful young princesses; they all act
innocently seductive. Edmund looks pleased. From behind Countess
Caroline, Leia comes out. She’s a child about six years old, awaiting
the arrival of new front teeth.)

King: Ah, good, good!

(Edmund doubletakes)

King: Osmund, meet your new wife…

Leia: Hello, Edmund.

Edmund: Hello…

Leia: (bored) Are we getting married now?

Edmund: Yes, yes, I believe we are…

Leia: Come on, then.

(Leia takes Edmund’s hand and brings him to the altar. She skips
as they make their way there.)

Archbishop: (shrugs at the absurdity, then bends to Leia’s height and speaks
slowly) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today–

(Leia giggles)

(That evening, in Edmund and Leia’s bedroom (separate beds); Edmund reads her
a bedtime story)

Edmund: “…and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his
friends in (the forest?), and go to live in a land far away, where the
elfs and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died.”

Leia: (sighs) Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn’t it time
to put the light out?

Edmund: Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o’clock…
(blows out the candle)

(end theme)

Also read: Queenie Quotes

Blackadder Series I, Episode 1 – The Foretelling Full Script

Blackadder The Foretelling Full Script

This is the full script for Blackadder 1, Episode 1 – The Foretelling. For more Blackadder quotes and full scripts, take a look at


Blackadder The Foretelling Full ScriptBlackadder Series I, Episode 1 Full Script – The Foretelling

Painter:  History has known many great liars.  Copernicus, Goebbels,
St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads
`St Benedict the Liar’] — but there have been none quite so
vile as the Tudor king Henry VII.  It was he who rewrote
history to portray his precessor Richard III as a deformed maniac
who killed his nephews in the Tower.  But the real truth is that
Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young
wards.  In particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a
big, strong boy.

Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed
Richard III.  Again, the truth is very different; for it was
Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and
reigned for thirteen glorious years.

As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry
Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first
chapter of a history never before told: the history of The Black

[opening theme]

[The Eve of The Battle of Bosworth Field; 21st August, 1485]
[Scene is a feast]

Richard (Duke of York):  [bangs his goblet thrice on the table]  Silence!
Silence!  For the king!

King (Richard III):  [stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly]
Now is the summer of our sweet content,
[Made?] [err?]-cast winter by these Tudor clouds.
And I that am not shaped for black-faced war,
[the people gathered appropriately make noises to
the contrary]
I that am rudely cast and want true majesty,
[more noises from the people; then he fixes
his hunched standing position by yanking on his
cloak, which had been stuck]
Am forced to fight,
To set sweet England free.
I pray to Heaven we fare well,
And all who fight us go to Hell.


[cheers from everyone.  Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, sitting at the
very end of the table, stands up, raising his goblet]

Edmund:  Hurray, hurray, absolutely!  Hurray!  [notices that he’s the only
one speaking and standing; sits back down, embarrassed]

King:  [to Richard]  Who is that?

Richard:  I know not, My Lord.  I’ll ask my son.  [he calls to Harry, Prince
of Wales, who sits on the other side of the king from Richard]
Harry, who is that?

Harry:  It is your other son, My Lord.

Richard:  [to King]  It is my other son, My Lord.

King:  Fights he with us on the morrow?

Richard:  [pauses, then to Harry again]  What’s his name?

Harry:  [with mouth full]  Edmund.

Richard:  [turns and yells across the room to Edmund]  Edna, fight you
with us on the morrow?

Edmund:  Er, [stands again] oh goodness, no!  No, I thought I’d fight
with the enemy!  [no one laughs; he sits down embarrassed]

King:  [to Richard]  You’re, er, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

Richard:  No, no [?].  He’ll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

King:  Oh! Arrow fodder!

Richard:  Precisely.

King:  Yes… [chuckles, waves to Edmund, grinning; mutters between his teeth]
What a little turd.

[cut to Edmund’s end of the table]

Edmund:  [to Percy, Duke of Northumberland, after giving a little wave back
to King]  Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special

Percy:  No, My Lord…

[a servant pokes his head in, refilling their goblets, and speaks]

Baldrick:  I saw it, My Lord.

Edmund:  Ah, and what is your name, little fellow?

Baldrick:  My name is Baldrick, My Lord.

Edmund:  Ah.  Then I shall call you…`Baldrick’!

Baldrick:  …and I shall call you `My Lord’, My Lord.

Edmund:  Mmm.  I like the cut of your jib, young fellow m’lad!
How would you like to be my squire in the battle to-morrow?

[Baldrick kneels instantly]

Percy:  [trying to show off in front of Baldrick, speaks to Edmund]
It will be a great day to-morrow for we nobles.

Edmund:  Well, not if we lose, Percy.  If we lose, I’ll be chopped to pieces.
My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia
stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Baldrick:  With you at the helm, My Lord, we cannot lose.

Percy:  [still trying to show off]  Well, we could if we wanted to!

Edmund:  Ah, but we won’t, Percy, and I shall prove to all that I am a man!

Percy:  But you >are< a man, My Lord.

Edmund:  But how shall it be proved, Percy…?

Percy:  Well, they could look up that tree in Rutland.  [Edmund baps him on
the forehead]  [????], My Lord.

Edmund:  It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in

Baldrick:  [restrained, of course — they’re in a crowded room]  Hurray!

Percy:  Hurray!

Edmund:  Come: a toast.  Let all those who go to don armour to-morrow
remember to `go’ before they don armour to-morrow!  Hurray!
[they clink goblets]  Already I can hear the sound of battle
ringing in my ears…

[Cut to just before the battle, outside.  The following
lines are spoken to the army]

King:  Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!
Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree!

Richard:  Let blood — Blood — BLOOD! — be your motto!
Slit their gizzards!

Harry:  Now, I’m afraid there’s going to have to be a certain amount of, well,
violence.  But at least we know it’s all in a good cause, don’t we?

King:  And gentlemen in London still in bed shall think themselves accursed
they were not here, and hold their manhood cheap while others speak
of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar’s Day! [he raises his
sword high in the air.  Our view follows it into the sky.]

[Our view comes down from the sky, to see the castle.  Inside Edmund’s
room, he sleeps in his bed, snoring, while Baldrick sleeps on the
floor, using a dead dog as a pillow.  There is a knock on the door.]

Mother:  Edmund?  [opening the door]  Edmund…

Edmund:  Hmm?  Oh, Mother, what do you want?

Mother:  Did you want to go to the battle this morning?

Edmund:  [sits up with a start; removes a cover from a sundial, and looks
at it]  Oh my god, it’s eleven o’clock!

Mother:  [smiling unconcernedly, amusedly shakes her head, closes the door]

[cut to long shot of a rise.  On it we see a silhouette of Edmund on
horseback.  Following him at a distance is Baldrick on muleback.]

Baldrick:  My Lord…

Edmund:  What is it?

Baldrick:  Where is this battle, then?

Edmund:  Oh, somewhere called Bosworth Field…

[they have ridden off to the right of the shot.  Suddenly, we see
Baldrick going the other way, followed by Edmund.]

Edmund:  Damn, damn, damn!  The first decent battle since I reached puberty…

[Now we see them close up, riding together, up a rise leading to a

Baldrick:  Here we are, My Lord…

Edmund:  Onward, Baldrick!  To glory!

[Over the top of the rise we now can see banners clashing together.
Edmund stops his horse at the top.]

Edmund:  Yes, erm, I’m not so sure we’re needed, you know, Baldrick…
I mean, everything seems to be going very well, doesn’t it?
Everyone’s fighting — clearly having the time of their lives.
Wait a moment; some of them over there aren’t fighting!  They’re…
they’re just lying down!

Baldrick:  They’re dead, My Lord.

Edmund:  Ah.  [he wriggles in his seat]  Damn, I knew I’d forgotten something.
Would you excuse me a moment, Baldrick?  [he turns his horse away]

[Just away from the battle, King on foot meets Richard on horseback]

Richard:  Your Majesty, you’ve lost your steed!  Take mine!

King:  No, no, no.  I’ve won the battle; I’ve saved the kingdom; I think I
can find myself a horse!

Richard:  How true, My Noble Lord.  I’ll see you back at the castle!

King:  So be it!

[Richard rides off.  King walks along, calling…]

King:  A horse!  [whistles a call]  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!

[He stops as he sees a horse — Edmund’s — tied to a tree.]

Ah, Horsie!

Ah horsie - Blackadder series 1

[He approaches the horse.  Edmund, doing business behind
a nearby bush, sees.]

Edmund:  [mumbling to himself]  Who is this?

[as King bends over to untie the horse from the tree, Edmund walks up

Edmund:  [drawing his sword]  Wait! That’s my horse!  [swings his sword;
lops King’s head clean off.  He’s rather surprised at his strength
but quickly gets a cocky feeling, and laughs a bit.]  There, that’ll
teach you!  [He picks up the helmeted head]  You won’t be doing
>that< again, now will you?  [He lifts the helmet’s face shield,
then lowers the shield]

Oh my god.  It’s Uncle Richard.

Blackadder Series 1 episode 1 the full script

[Edmund screams.  Baldrick runs up, having just parked his mule by
the tree.]

Baldrick:  What’s that, My Lord?

Edmund:  Hmm?  [Frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick.]

Baldrick:  [catches the head with a chuckle, then lifts the face shield]
Oh dear — Richard III.  [half shouts]  What are you going to do?

Edmund:  Well, quick, quick… [he turns the body over, takes the head back
and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it in steady.  He
moves the corpse’s arms about, and beats on its chest.  Baldrick
for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body
through the face shield.]

Baldrick:  [points to something off-shot]  My Lord!  That hut there!

[They each grab a leg and drag the body away.  The head stays behind.]

[They enter a small cottage.  Baldrick is solely dragging the body
now.  Edmund enters afterward, carrying a gauntlet.]

Edmund:  [still entering]  Come on! Come on!  Will you wait! Will you wait!

[Baldrick collapses exhausted on the corpse.]

Edmund:  [closing the door]  Ah, well done…  [He sits on a barrel, then
notices that something’s missing.]  Where’s the head?

Baldrick:  I thought you had it.

Edmund:  Baldrick, I can’t be expected to carry everything!

[They hear someone approaching.  Edmund cowers; Baldrick prepares to
strike down the intruder with some sort of blunt object.  The door
opens, and Percy enters.]

Edmund:  Percy, you brainless son of a prostitute!  Where have you been?

Percy:  I’ve just proved that I’m a man!  Look what I’ve found!  [He proffers
the head.]

Edmund:  Oh, thank God.  Quick, Percy, quick — put it down and let’s get out
of here!

Percy:  No no no no!  I found it. It’s mine!

Edmund:  What do you mean it’s yours?  [He tries to take it from Percy.]

Percy:  [defensively]  I’m going to use it to prove that I killed a nobleman!

Edmund:  [stops trying to take the head]  And which nobleman, pray…?

Percy:  Er… [he looks under the face shield, laughs, then holds the head
proudly]  Well, it’s the King, actually!

Edmund:  [stares at Percy quite intently]

Percy:  [frightenedly tosses the head to Edmund]

Edmund:  [frightenedly tosses the head to Baldrick]

Baldrick:  [frightenedly tosses the head in the barrel]

[a bloodied, armoured man approaches the cottage and staggers in just
as our three were about to leave]

Man:  Lost!  Lost!  All is lost!  [he collapses to the floor]

Edmund:  What?

Man:  Flee!  Flee!

Edmund:  Oh my god!  Quick — let’s get out of here!

Man:  Take me with you!  [he grabs one of Edmund legs]

Edmund:  Get your hands off!  [Percy feebly helps in this process]

Man:  If you leave me alone here, I’ll die.

Edmund:  If you don’t leave >me< alone, I’ll kill you myself!  [Baldrick
bops the man on the head with his blunt object.  The man falls to
one side.]  Now; leave him here, come on!  [Edmund, Baldrick, and
Percy make their way out.]

Man:  I’ll give you money!  Ten thousand sovereigns!

[After a moment, the man collapses to the floor.  The door opens,
and Percy’s head pokes in…]

[cut to Edmund and Baldrick entering the great hall in the castle.
Baldrick keeps running, but Edmund stops as he meets his mother.]

Edmund:  [frantic]  Mother!

Mother:  Edmund, dear.  How did it go?

Edmund:  Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates!

Mother:  Oh, but, Edmund, I’m not ready — I haven’t had a bath or anything.

Edmund:  Mother, Henry is our enemy.  When his men get here, they’ll
brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle!

Mother:  Ah, well, I shan’t bother to change, then.

[Baldrick runs into the doorway across the hall.]

Baldrick:  My Lord!

Edmund:  What do you want?

Baldrick:  Listen!

[An army’s drums can be heard faintly in the distance.]

Edmund:  Oh my god!  They’re here already!  [He begins to run down the hall,
shouting.]  Run for your lives!  Run for the hills!

Baldrick:  Er, My Lord, they’re coming from the hills.

Edmund:  [still shouting]  Oh, sorry.  Run >away< from the hills!  Run away
from the hills!  If you see the hills, run the other way!

[Percy arrives.]

Percy:  No, My Lord, it’s all right — they’re flying the banners of our
King Richard.

Edmund:  Well, that’s impossible — he’s dead, isn’t he!

Mother:  [shocked]  King Richard, dead?

Edmund:  [suddenly not so frantic]  Yes… Errr, God knows how…

Mother:  Oh, dear.  That’s really upset the tulip cart.

Edmund:  [frantic again]  Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning
trick to deceive us into staying!

Baldrick:  No, My Lord, I don’t think it is a cunning trick.

Edmund:  Well, no, it’s not a particularly cunning trick, because we’ve
seen through it!  [He locks the main entrance to the great hall.]
But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.

Baldrick:  What I mean, My Lord, is that I don’t think they did think it out.

Edmund:  What, you think someone else thought it up, and they’ve borrowed it
for the occasion?

Baldrick:  No, My Lord.  I don’t think it’s a trick at all.

Edmund:  You don’t think that riding up to a castle under someone else’s
banner is a trick?  [sarcastically]  Well, no, I suppose it isn’t!

[There’s a banging on the main door.  Edmund screams and goes through
the inner door.  The main door has been broken down.]

Percy:  [He and Baldrick remain in the great hall.]  It’s only your father.

Richard:  [entering with his entourage]  Who locked that bloody door?

Mother:  Richard, it’s you!

Richard:  Well, who did you expect it to be, woman?

Mother:  Why, I thought it would be Henry Tunip.

Richard:  Henry Tunip?  Have you lost your conkers?

Mother:  So you won?

Richard:  Yes, of course!  >We< won!  We won!  Victory!

[General cheers from his entourage.]

Mother:  So, I suppose now >you< want to ravish me…

Richard:  [shocked]  Yes, yes, in a moment…  [He turns to Lord Chiswick,
one of his entourage.]  The woman’s insatiable!  [He shouts.]
Three cheers for good King Richard!  Hap hap! [“Huzzah!”]  Hap hap!
[“Huzzah!”]  Hap hap! [“Huzzah!”]

[Edmund appears from the opposite end he left, behind the group.]

Edmund:  [weakly]  Huzzah…

Richard:  All we need now is for King Richard to be here, and the day shall

Mother:  Yes, what a pity he’s dead.

Richard:  [shocked whisper]  What?  Who told you that?

Mother:  Well, Edmund.  [nods to his direction]

Richard:  [he and the group turn to face Edmund.]  Is this true?

Edmund:  [quite intimidated, as well as fearing for his life]  Errr, well,
I wouldn’t know, really.  I was…nowhere near him at the time.
I… I just…heard from someone that he’d, er… er… I mean,
I don’t even know where he was killed.  I was completely on the
opposite side of the field.  I was nowhere near the cottage.

[Everyone questions that last statement, with stares.]

Edmund:  …not that it was a cottage — it was a river.  But, then,
I wouldn’t know, of course, because I wasn’t there.  But,
apparently, some fool cut his head off…or at least killed him
in some way…perhaps…took an ear off or something.  Yes, yes,
in fact, I think he was only wounded! er, or was that somebody
else?  Yes, I think it was.  Why, he wasn’t even wounded!

[Harry is staggering in behind Edmund, carrying the headless corpse,
and the crown.]

Edmund:  [not noticing Harry]  Why, did someone say he was dead?

Harry:  Yes!

Richard:  What!

Harry:  It’s true, My Lord!  I stumbled on his body myself!  O, pardon me,
thou bleeding piece of earth!  [He places the body on the floor,
and lies on top of it.]

Richard:  Er, yes…

Harry:  Good night, sweet [king? (It’s not `prince’)]…        \
Richard:  Yes, yes, that’s enough of that, thank you, Harry…  /

Harry:  …and flights of angels sing thee to thy [?]!              \
Richard:  Thank you, Harry… [shouts, annoyed]  Thank you, Harry!  /
[angered whisper]  Yes! …and we all know who did this dreadful
deed — [he looks at Edmund] don’t we?

[Edmund slowly nods, as a sort of confession, and closes his eyes,
preparing to have his head cut off.]

Richard:  Henry Tudor!

[Edmund’s nod increases in speed, he opens his eyes and grins.]

Richard:  Yes! and he still roams free!  [He shouts quite loudly.]
Harry, call for silence!

[Everyone is silent.]

Harry:  [shouts]  Silence!  [He slowly lowers the the crown onto his father’s
head.]  …for the King!  [Everyone, including Harry, kneels or bows
before Richard.]

Everyone but Richard:  Long live King Richard IV!

King (previously `Richard’):  This day has been as ’twere
A mighty stew
In which the beef of victory
Was mix’d
With the vile turnip
Of sweet Richard slain
And the grisly dumpling
Of his killer fled.
But we must eat
The yellow wobbly parts
[?] two [?] serves.
In life, each man gets
What he deserves!

[His speech over, King looks around at the kneeled assembly.]

King:  [nonchalant]  Well, come on — let’s go and kill some more prisoners.

[His original entourage stands up excitedly.]

King:  Hap hap! [“Huzzah!”]  Hap hap! [“Huzzah!”]  Hap hap! [“Huzzah!”]

[Cut to Edmund’s room.  He, Percy and Baldrick enter, dejectedly.
Once they’re in and the door closes, Edmund slowly turns and begins
begins to grin.]

Edmund:  Hurray!  [The others are excited now too.]  We’re safe! and I am
a prince of the realm!  Hap hap! [Baldrick says “Huzzah!” first,
as Percy forgets the word.]  Can you imagine the power…

Percy:  …and it’s ours! all ours!

Edmund:  What?

Baldrick:  >Yourscould< be `Coverdale’)]

Edmund:  Lord Coverdale…

Harry:  …who fought on >our< side, I believe.

Edmund:  Er, yes… I think Lord Coverdale saw me slaying, erm…

[Baldrick turns 90 degrees, turns his head and looks out the corner
of his eye, then tilts his helmet over his eyes in an effeminate

Edmund:  …Warwick.

Harry:  Warwick the Wild of Leicester?

Edmund:  Yes, that’s him — and pretty wild he was, too!  He took some
finishing off, I can tell you!

Harry:  Yes, indeed — I killed him myself at one point.  Anyone else?

Edmund:  Erm…erm…let me see… Just trying to put names to faces…

Harry:  Yes, well, this is the list of the lords as yet unaccounted for:
Roger de Runcie…

Edmund:  Oh, de Runcie, yes, he was one of mine.

Harry:  Lord Thomas of Devon…

Edmund:  Ah, yes, backslash…

Harry:  Lord Yeovil…

Edmund:  Ah, yes, groin job…

Harry:  Good lord!  This is remarkable, Edmund!  Remarkable!
Oh, and the Bishop of Bath and Wells–

Edmund:  Ah, yes, will never walk again!

Harry:  …will conduct the thanksgiving service.

Edmund:  Oh, Bath and >Wells<…

Harry:  [Turns to Percy.]  Ah, Lord Percy!  Edmund tells me that you managed
to turn up late for the battle, [he begins walking out] so there’s
not much point in asking you your score, is there?  [Leaves]

[Percy tries to speak, but can’t think of anything.  He’s upset.
He turns to face Edmund.]

Edmund:  Ha hah!!!

Baldrick:  Ha hah!!!

Percy:  [bitterly sarcastic]  Ha hah…

Edmund:  At last I can relax!  [He opens the curtain to his bed, to find the
dying man lying in it.  He turns back to Percy and Baldrick, and
speaks quietly.]  Who the hell is this?

Percy:  Ah, well, you remember that dying man we saw in the cottage?

Edmund:  The one I specifically told you not to bring back to the castle
under any circumstances?

Percy:  Mm hmm, yes, that’s the one, yes.

Edmund:  So what is he doing in my bed?

Percy:  Well, he claims to be a wealthy man.  I thought, if we nurse him
back to health, he may reward us.

Edmund:  No, wait — I think I have an idea…  If he is a wealthy man, and
we nurse him back to health, he may reward us!

Baldrick:  Oh, brilliant, My Lord — very quick thinking.

Edmund and Percy:  Thank you, Baldrick.  [Edmund eyes Percy angrily.]

Edmund:  Well, what would you expect?  After all, who has the fastest
brain in the land?

Baldrick:  Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!

Edmund:  Who is the boldest horseman in the land?  [Looking at Percy.]

Baldrick:  Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!   \
Percy:  [catching on]  …Duke of Edinburgh!   /

Edmund:  Who is the bravest swordsman in the land?

Percy:  Oh, don’t tell me!  It’s that [?] from Norfolk…

Edmund:  PRINCE…

Baldrick and Percy:  Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh!

Edmund:  Precisely.  [dramatically] Or, as I shall be known from now on:

The Black…

Baldrick:  My Lord, wouldn’t something like `The Black Adder’ sound better?

Edmund:  No, wait — I think I have a better idea…  What about:

The Black…

[Cut to scene of him choosing a new outfit.  He points to a black
suit with a coiled snake on it and a black cape; a pair of black
shoes, more suited to a jester; a black bowl for haircut style.
Cut to finishing of his haircut — very short hair.  He looks in a
mirror, and stands up.  Camera pans down to look at his entire
outfit… large black rings, black tights and all.]

[Cut to an inner hallway.  Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter,

Baldrick:  Very witty, My Lord.

Edmund:  Ah, thank you, Baldrick.

Percy:  Very very very witty, My Lord.

Edmund:  Ah, thank you, Percy.

Baldrick:  You’re certainly wittier than your father, My Lord.

Percy:  …and head and shoulders over Richard III!

Edmund:  [Turns on Percy.]  IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE WITTY?

Percy:  Er, no, My Lord… No, no…that…that was…an example of the
sort of thing that you yourself would not stoop to…

Edmund:  GO AWAY!

Baldrick and Percy:  Yes, My Lord.

[Edmund enters his room, closing the door.  He hangs up his black
hat, then goes to his bed, with the man in it.  The man is awake,
having soup.]

Edmund:  Ah, you’re still here, are you?

Man:  Er, yes.

[Edmund looks closely at the man.  Viewers see a flashback to the
opening of the show.  The man is Henry Tudor.]

Edmund:  Wait a moment — haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Henry (previously `Man’):  I don’t know.  I feel I’ve seen you before, also.

Edmund:  Well, I am Prince Edmund, son of Richard IV!
Why? Who are you?

Henry:  [shocked to discover where he is]  Well, erm, I’m, er, not important.

Edmund:  Not important?  You mean you’re not rich?

Henry:  No.  [Knows that that would mean death.]  Yes! Yes, I’m incredibly
rich!  I’m…I’m a very wealthy, errm, modest person, who wishes to
remain nameless.

Edmund:  Well, you’d better be rich.  Get your money together, get better,
and get out of my bed, is that clear?  [He shuts the curtain.]

[Edmund looks around, uncovers a home-made crown, puts it on and
looks at himself in the mirror.]

Ghost (of Richard III):  Oh yes, very fetching.

[Edmund turns, and screams for about six seconds.]

Ghost:  …and hello to >you<.

Edmund:  Uh, uh, er, hello…hello…er…goodness me…I hadn’t…
expected…to see you…like this.

Ghost:  Sitting down, you mean?

Edmund:  Er, yes, yes, that’s right: sitting down.  Goodness, look!  Look!
You’re sitting down.

Ghost:  Yes.

Edmund:  Why, I haven’t seen you sitting down since, er…hoo…

Ghost:  Yesterday?

Edmund:  Was it only yesterday?  Good lord!  Erm, errr…well…
How was your battle?

Ghost:  Fine.  Somebody cut my head off at one point, but otherwise
everything went swimmingly.  …and how are you, Edna?

Edmund:  Er, Edmund.

Ghost:  Your father told me `Edna’.

Edmund:  No…

Ghost:  So, Edna, you loathsome little fairy maggot, how are you?

Edmund:  Er, how…how very very kind of you to ask, erm, Your Majesty…
I’m very well, and, er, and it’s very good to see you, because,

Ghost:  Yes?

Edmund:  Well, well, well, frankly…er… Gosh, you look well.

Ghost:  Frankly what?  Spit it out, you horrid little scabby reptile!

Edmund:  Er, well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.

Ghost:  Well, frankly, [his head rises from his body to be level with Edmund]
I am.

Edmund:  Eugh!

[There’s a knock at the door.]

Ghost:  [to the door]  Do come in.

Edmund:  [rushing to the door]  No!  Don’t come in!

Queen (previously `Mother’):  [From outside the door]  Why not?
Have you got someone in there with you?

Edmund:  Erm, not as such…

Queen:  Is it a woman?

Edmund:  No!

Queen:  Is it a man?

Edmund:  Err, [he watches the Ghost’s head fly about the room]
err, yes, yes it is.

Queen:  You hesitated, Edmund — it’s not a sheep, is it?

Edmund:  No, of course it isn’t a sheep!

Queen:  Well then, let me in!

Ghost:  [body together, standing]  So, farewell, Edna!  You’ll be seeing
me later.  [The body walks off; the head remains.]

Edmund:  Erm, have, er, have you got…transport?  Erm, perhaps you’d like to
borrow my horse again… [considers the possibility that the ghost
doesn’t know its slayer] or at all! I mean, not that you’ve
borrowed it before…

Ghost:  [The body returns, gesturing for the head to follow.]
Coming!  [Leaves]

[Edmund opens the door.  Queen enters.]

Queen:  Are you all right, Edmund?  [Edmund quickly removes — and hides —
his crown.]  Why, you look as though you’ve just seen a ghost!

Edmund:  Er, yes?

Queen:  Hurry up, anyway — you’re expected at the banquet!

[Henry is listening from the bed.]

Edmund:  Erm, look, er, Mother, er… You won’t tell anyone about my
oversleeping, er, this morning and… and what have you, now
will you?

Queen:  Now, would I, Edmund…  Do I tell people that your brother Harry
is scared of spoons? or that your father has very small private
parts?  [She moves from the closet to the bed.]

Edmund:  [trying to stop her]  Oh! Mother!

Henry:  [like a sheep]  Baaaa! Baaaa!

Queen:  Oh, Edmund!  It’s the lying I find so hurtful…

Edmund:  [with uneasy grin]  Baaaa…

[Cut to banquet.  Edmund enters, and prepares to sit between his
father and his brother — in Richard III’s seat.]

Edmund:  So sorry I’m late…

King:  HOLD!  YOU DARE SIT THERE, BOY?  That was King Richard’s seat!
Would you insult his ghost?

Edmund:  Eugh, erm, no, no — sorry.

[Ghost appears in the chair, but only Edmund can see or hear it.]

Ghost:  Yes, find your own chair, you smelly little dog’s pizzle!

Edmund:  Eugh!  [he goes back to the his normal spot and the end of table]

King:  [speaking across where Ghost is, to Harry]  How many prisoners have
you got, Harry?

Ghost:  I’m not Harry — I’m… I’m Richard.  >He’s< Harry.         \
Harry:  I’ve still got the [?] of [?] down in the dungeons, Father. /

King:  Send the [?] to my room, will you?

Harry:  Very well.  Do you want them hung?  \
Ghost:  [waving]  Hello?                    /

King:  No — fresh ones; I want to practice my backhand.   \
Ghost:  Hello?  Is anybody there?                          /

Harry:  Oh, I don’t think you need to, the way you slaughtered Lord Snedley!

Ghost:  Hello???

King:  Oh, I wish Uncle Dicky was here.

Ghost:  Don’t `Dicky’ me, Ducky…

King:  [stands, bangs gold wine pitcher on table thrice, then holds up his
goblet and speaks]  Tonight, honoured friends, we are gathered
to celebrate a great victory, and to mourn a great loss.  [Raises his
goblet]  A toast: to our triumph!  [“Our triumph!”]  [Ghost looks
quite bored.]  …and I raise a royal curse upon the man who slew
Richard, our noble king!

Ghost:  [stands, points to Edmund]  It was him!

Edmund:  Oh my god!

King:  Quiet at the end there!  [shouts again]  Whoever it was…

Ghost:  [seated again]  It was him — Edna!

King:  Wherever he be…

Ghost:  He’s down there at the end!

King:  He shall be struck down!

Ghost:  Well then get on with it, you stupid oaf — he’s there!

Edmund:  It wasn’t me!

King:  Who said that?

Ghost:  The idiot who killed me this afternoon!

Edmund:  I didn’t!

King:  Well then, who did?

Harry:  It >was< actually Edmund who interrupted, Sire.

Ghost:  Hang the little slug!

[Edmund screams and crawls under the table.]

King:  I WILL HAVE SILENCE!  [bangs pitcher on table once more.  Raises
goblet again]  Another toast: to dead King Richard.

Ghost:  [disgustedly]  Oh my god…

King:  Gentlemen…  [“King Richard.”]

Ghost:  [still disgusted]  Well, thank you, [?].  Thank you.  Thank you
very much for nothing.  Thank you so much.  That’s the last you’ll
be seeing of me…not that you’ve seen much of me, in any case.
[he has faded away]

[Edmund, still on his knees on the floor, but now out from under
the table, wipes his brow and sighs.]

King:  Now that we have silence, we shall continue with the ceremony of
desecration.  Produce the portrait of the pretender, Henry Tudor!

[A man carries the portait down the room.  People hiss and make
general noises of unpleasantness.]

Edmund:  [recognising the face as the man in his bed]  Oh my god!
[he crawls out of the room on his hands and knees]

[Follow Edmund down inner hallway.  From inside his room, Ghost
opens the door.]

Ghost:  Good evening.

Edmund:  Where’s Henry Tudor!  [he rushes to the bed]

Ghost:  [suddenly in the bed]  Baaaa!

Edmund:  Oh no!  Where is he?  Where is he?  [he checks the closet]

Ghost:  [suddenly inside the closet, wiggles his fingers, making spooky
`woo!’ noise]

Edmund:  [He looks out the window to see a horseman riding out of the
castle.  He runs to the door, and it is opened by Ghost.  He
bows to Ghost as he exits, and speaks scaredly respectively.]
Thank you…thank you so much.

[Edmund chases Henry on horseback out of the castle and into a meadow
outside.  We see Ghost snap his fingers, and the meadow suddenly is
foggy.  Edmund rides out of the fog, at a clearing in the woods, to
find three old witches bent over a cauldron.]

Witches tutti:  Oooh… Oooh… Oooh… Oooh…

Edmund:  [Having dismounted, he stands next to them, and clears his throat.]

Witches tutti:  [startled]  Oooh!

Goncril:  Hail!

Cordelia:  Hail!

Regan:  Hail!

Goncril:  Ruler of men…

Cordelia:  Ravisher of women…

Regan:  Slayer of kings!

Edmund:  Be gone, hideous crones!

Goncril:  Be not afraid…

Cordelia:  Be not overcome with fear…

Regan:  Be not paralysed with terror…

Edmund:  [bored]  Why have you lured me here, you loathsome drabs?

Regan:  We bear good news.

Edmund:  What news could such repulsive harbingers convey?

Cordelia:  To-day has brought misfortune…

Goncril:  But one day…

Witches tutti:  O, glorious day!

Cordelia:  One day…

Witches tutti:  O, happy day!


Edmund:  Yes?

Witches tutti:  You shall be king!

Edmund:  [excited]  Really?

Witches tutti:  Yes!  Your Majesty!  [they bow]

Edmund:  Well, that is good news, isn’t it?  [mounting his horse]
God be with you, you snaggletoothed vultures!
History, here I come!

Blackadder Series I, Episode 2 – Born to Be King Full Script

The full script of blackadder series 1 episode 2 born to be king

Here is the full script for Blackadder Series 1, Episode 2 – Born to Be King. This is a quirky sort of episode, and you can tell that the writers are trying to ‘find their feet’. There are some great gags of course, including a ‘speaking Greek’ scene, and an unhealthy obsession with eunuchs!

full script for blackadder series 1 episode 2 born to be king

Full Script for Blackadder Series I, Episode 2 – Born to Be King

Caption: In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also
the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of
currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the

King: As the good Lord said: “Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he’s
Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!”

Caption: He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to
rule as Regent in his stead. (Harry looks as though he doesn’t
quite remember the line about thy neighbour in those words.)

King: Farewell, dear Harry.

Harry: Farewell, Father.

Caption: …and his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.

King: Edward… (rides off)

Baldrick: My Lord, with the King gone…

Edmund: Hmmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! (laughs in
his ridiculous-sounding evil way)

(opening credits)

**Caption: Twelve months later**

(Edmund is on horseback, with his sword raised in the air. He shouts.)

Edmund: On! Onward! I want you scum back to the castle by sundown, or you’ll
all be slaughtered! Onward!

(sounds of `Baaa’ are heard as Edmund speaks to his flock of sheep, in
heavy snowfall)

Edmund: Come on! Come on! Keep going! I’ve just about had enough of you!

Sheep: Bbbbaaaaa!

Edmund: Shut up!

Sheep: Bbaaaa! (They begin to run.)

Edmund: Come on! No, that’s not the way you’re going. Stop! Where are you
going? No, not away from the castle!

Sheep: Bbbaaa!

Edmund: Shut up!

(cut to room in the castle)

Harry: (standing by the fire, reading a note) Splendid! Splendid!

(Edmund enters the adjacent hallway)

Edmund: (to sheep) Now look, you’re not supposed to be here. That’s far
enough, now get out! (shuts door, begins to walk down the hallway)
If I could get my hands on that bastard brother, Harry…

Harry: Ah, Edmund! (Edmund stops dead in his tracks in surprise, then
continues walking, as though not hearing, behind a bit of wall).
Edmund? (Edmund reappears, in the next doorway) Ah, there you are.
Splendid news, Edmund — Father’s coming home! He writes here that
he’ll be back by St. Leonard’s Day. Excellent! So we can celebrate
both events together!

(Edmund has just got to the fire, but now Harry pulls him aside, across the
room. Edmund tries to turn toward the fire, but to no avail. He is frozen

Harry: Now then, I shall handle the visiting royalty, of course, er, the
guards of honour, and the papal legate; and you can, er, you can sort
out the frolicks.

Edmund: The frolicks?

Harry: Yes, the Morris Dancers, the eunuchs, and the bearded women — you
know: the traditional St. Leonard’s Day entertainments. Oh damnation,
though, I don’t think I’m going to have enough time to attend to the
drains. Edmund, you’ll have to look into those as well.

Edmund: (shivering from cold) Oh, er, yes, fine, fine. I’d, I’d be honoured.

Harry: Good. You won’t let me down, now, will you?

Edmund: No, no, no, no. I’m, I’m really looking forward to it already. Thank
you so very much.

Harry: Splendid! (exits)

(Edmund is in the room alone)

Edmund: (returning to the fire) Twelve months of chasing sheep and
straightening the royal portraits, and now this! The bastard!

(enter Baldrick)

Baldrick: If only he were, My Lord.

Edmund: What?! (dramatic organ music begins)

Baldrick: If only he were a bastard, My Lord, then you would be Regent now.

Edmund: Ah, yes. And then, one day….

(enter Lord Percy)

Percy: You would be King, My Lord.

Edmund: Ah yes, yes. I would be King! And then what?

Baldrick: (puts his hands together, then moves them apart, making \
a large globe motion) You’d rule the world, My Lord! \
Percy: (moves an outstretched arm across a flat plane) /
You’d rule the world, My Lord! /

Edmund: Precisely! It’s just not fair, you know. Every other damn woman in the
court has bastard sons, but not my mother, oohhh no… She’s so damn
pure, she’d hate to look down in case she notices her own breasts.

(cut to hallway outside the throne room. Edmund’s mother, the Queen,
speaks to Countess Celia.)

Celia: You must be so looking forward to the King’s return, Your Majesty.

Queen: (surprised at the remark) No.

Celia: No, My Lady? But think: he will come to your chamber and make mad,
passionate love to you!

Queen: Yes, I wish he wouldn’t do that. It’s very difficult to sleep with that
kind of thing going on, you know; being used all night long, like the
outside of a sausage roll…

Celia: (??), and we’ve got the St. Leonard’s Day celebrations to look forward
to: the jesters, the jugglers…

Queen: The great brown ox steaming and smouldering all night long…

Celia: (excited) Oh yes — the feast!

Queen: Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else.

Ceila: I particularly hope they’ve got the Morris dancers. I *love* them.

Queen: Yes. I like the eunuchs.

Celia: Oh yes, the eunuchs! Ah, I wish I owned one.

Queen: I wish I’d married one.

(cut to Edmund’s quarters)

Edmund: (speaking to a woman who looks very apologetic) No, no; fine, fine;
it could’ve happened to anyone. Never mind, never mind. (shuts door)
Oh, God, I don’t believe it. We’ve only got one act, and she
shaved her beard off.

Percy: There’s always the eunuchs, My Lord.

Edmund: Oh yes, so? The eunuchs and the Amazing Beardless Woman. What a
(??). Percy, there must be someone else, there must be! Look…

(they look through some papers on the desk)

Percy: Ah, there’s The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem, My Lord.

Edmund: What do they do?

Percy: (as though that was a silly question) They jump, My Lord.

Edmund: What?

Percy: They come in, My Lord, and they jump … a lot. It’s a humourous

Edmund: Nah dah dah! There must be something else, surely! Ah, what’s this?
” `The Death of the Pharoah’: Sir Dominick Prique and His Magnificient
(??) Wooferoonies perform the tragic ancient Eygptian masterpiece,
`The Death of the Pharoah’.” Well, that sounds funny.

Percy: No, no, no — I find that very moving, My Lord.

Edmund: Well, it better be funny, or Prique will get his come-uppance, I can
tell you. Now, book him.

Baldrick: My Lord, what about Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens.

Edmund: (sarcastic) What do they do? Lay eggs?

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.

Edmund: (desperate) Oh, all right, all right, we’ll have them, we’ll have them.

(There’s a knock at the door. Percy opens it to find the messenger holding out
a note.)

Messenger: My Lord…

(Percy takes the note and slams the door in the messenger’s face. He gives
the note to Edmund, who opens it, reads it, and closes it.)

Percy: Wha– what is it, My Lord?

Edmund: (slowly, seriously) The eunuchs have cancelled.

Baldrick: Oh dear.

Edmund: Ha! I should have known — never trust a eunuch!

Percy: What are we going to do?

Edmund: Well, I know what I’m going to do. Baldrick, give me an
execution order. I’m gonna teach them a lesson they’ll
never forget. I’ll remove whatever extraneous parts of
their bodies still remain.

(Edmund makes out the order, and goes to the door. Upon opening it, he
finds the messenger still waiting for his tip, holding out his hand.)

Messenger: My Lord…

Edmund: Take that to Lord Chancellor, thank you. (Puts the order in the
messenger’s hand then slams the door) Oh God, this is desperate!

Percy: We could have the Morris dancers, My Lord.

Edmund: Now look, we are not *that* desperate! Morris dancing is the
most fatuous (tantuate?) entertainment ever devised by man — forty
effeminate blacksmiths waving bits of cloth they’ve just wiped their
noses on… How it’s still going on in this day and age, I’ll never

Percy: (confused) Sorry, so do you want them or not?

(Edmund hits Percy over the head with a scrolled paper as Harry enters.)

Harry: Ah, Edmund!

(Edmund begins jumping, hitting Percy and himself with the paper, looking
like a Morris dance. Percy and Baldrick join in, all of them hitting each
other on the head with bits of paper.)

Edmund: …and rest.

Harry: (applauds) Oh, splendid! and how are the rest of the entertainments
coming along?

Edmund: Erm, very very well indeed. Umm, I think it’s going to have a
slightly Spartan look.

Harry: What, Greek?

Edmund: Er…yes, that’s right. Yes, um…Greek.

Harry: Oh good. Everyone turning up?

Edmund: Oh absolutely everyone. So many people in fact, I’m afraid I’ve had
to let the eunuchs go.

Harry: Oh no no no no no no!

Edmund: No?

Harry: No! That won’t do at all — not on St. Leonard’s Day, because, well
correct me if I’m wrong, Lord Percy, but, er, St. Leonard himself
was an eunuch.

(Edmund, behind Harry, shakes his had `No’ at Percy.)

Percy: (obeys Edmund’s head movement, but knows the correct answer)
Yyyyyes, that’s right.

(Harry, confused at why Percy was shaking his head, turns back to Edmund, who,
still shaking his head, suddenly hits himself on the head with the paper, as
though he was just dancing again.)

Edmund: Well, that’s why I thought it might be more tactful if–

Harry: Oh no no no no no no no. To leave out the eunuchs on St. Leonard’s
Day would be like, well, it would be like leaving out the Morris
dancers, or the bearded women!

(Edmund, Percy and Baldrick all pretend to laugh at the absurd thought)

Harry: Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus, the King’s Supreme Commander, is
expected at the feast, and, as you know, eunuchs are his particular

Edmund: (confused) Hmm?

Harry: He’s Scottish, you see.

Edmund: Ahhhh!

Harry: Good, good. Well, I’m relying on you, Edmund. Carry on. (exits)

Edmund: So! Some carrot-faced, thistle-arsed Scottish orangutan wants
a eunuch, does he?

Percy: Apparently he’s a great warrior, My Lord…

Edmund: Yes, that’s what they all say, those Scots. They’re just barbarians!
Half of them can’t even speak English.

Baldrick: What do they speak?

Edmund: I don’t know — it’s all Greek to me.

Percy: They speak Greek?

Edmund: No, I mean it sounds like Greek.

Percy: Well, if sounds like Greek, it probably is Greek.

Edmund: It’s not Greek!

Percy: …but it sounds like Greek. “What’s not Greek but sounds like Greek?”
That’s a good one, My Lord!

Edmund: Look, it’s not meant to be a brainteaser, Percy! I’m simple telling
you that I cannot understand a blind word they’re saying!

Percy: Well, no wonder, My Lord — you never learned Greek, of course.

Edmund: (calmly) Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides look like?

Percy: Sometimes, My Lord, yes.

Edmund: (holds up a knife, shouts) Then I’d be perfectly willing to satisfy
your curiousity! Is that clear? Is it?
Oh my God, this Scotsman’s beginning to annoy me already. I’m
the Duke of Edinburgh, you know, and Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk
and Peebles. I can make things very difficult for him.
As for these entertainments, oh, I don’t know… Baldrick, you’ve got
a beard — go and get yourself a nice dress.

Baldrick: (excited) Oh, great, My Lord! (exits)

Edmund: Percy, you’d better go and get Bernard the Bear Baiter…

Percy: Yes, My Lord. (begins to leave)

Edmund: …looks like we’ll be needing him. Oh, and, Percy…

Percy: Yes, My Lord?

Edmund: Tell him to bring a bear this time. (Percy leaves; Edmund speaks to
himself) The improvising last year was pathetic!

(in the dining room)

Harry: (stands) Now then, Mother: a toast to Father’s return.

(a fanfare plays; enter a man, on horseback, wearing a horned helmet)

Harry: What the devil?! (then he realizes who it is) It’s McAngus!
(Queen is excited, too)

Queen: (???????)

(McAngus dismounts, removes his helmet, giving it to a guard, then takes
a couple bags from his horse, and approaches the table)

McAngus: Noble Harry, Prince of Wales, Dougal McAngus greets you, and lays
at your feet the spoils of an enemy at war.

(he dumps the contents of a bag on the table; a severed human head)

McAngus: Oh, sorry — that’s my overnight bag. (he dumps the other bag
on the table; gold Turkish goblets etc.) Behold! Treasures torn
from the (??) of the Turks!

Harry: Oh, McAngus! It fills me with joy and hope to see you! (they shake
hands firmly) What news of my father, the King?

McAngus: When I last saw him, he swore he would be back for the Feast of
St. Leonard, or die in the attempt.

Harry: God forfend! We shall pray for his safe return. Join us! Join us!
You must be starving.

McAngus: (motions behind him) And young (Lochenbaugh?)?

Harry: (looking toward the doorway) Oh yes, and him too.

McAngus: Come on, Lochenbaugh! (he leads his horse to the table; Queen is
a bit shocked. He steps over the table and sits down beside Queen,
where Harry had motioned for him to sit)

McAngus: (to Queen) You must be the King’s wee bit of rumpy-pumpy, eh?

Queen: (confused) I am the Queen.

McAngus: Aye, aye. Listen, I got a message for you. My father asked me to send
his regards to you.

Queen: Do I know him?

McAngus: Oh, I think you can say that, yes — he’s Donald McAngus, Third Duke
of Argyll. (laughs)

Queen: (very shocked) Oh…

(There is an extremely poorly played fanfare; Edmund enters, sneering at
the trumpeter)

Harry: Ah, Edmund, there you are. McAngus, this is the man who’s providing
the entertainments for us tomorrow.

McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! (hands Edmund a coin) Here’s a groat for your trouble.

Edmund: (holding back his anger, which raises the pitch of his voice)
Agghh, I am not a eunuch.

McAngus: You sound like one to me.

Edmund: (clears his throat) I am not a eunuch. I am the Duke of Edinburgh.

McAngus: (chuckles) Oh, you are, are you?

Edmund: Yes!

McAngus: (to Queen) Same old story, eh? The Duke of Edinburgh’s about
as Scottish as the Queen of England’s tits!

(Queen is enormously shocked.)

McAngus: Sorry — ahem, mere phrase, Your Majesty.

Edmund: I’m sorry, you’re in my chair.

McAngus: Don’t apologise.

(Edmund is quite inflamed; he goes down to his knees (there are no chairs

Harry: (stands, holding a large document) Well, now we’ve all got to know
each other, I have rather a special announcement to make.

McAngus: Don’t tell me you’re a eunuch as well…!

Harry: McAngus, as reward for your heroic deeds in battle, my father here
empowers me to grant you anything that you may desire of me.

Edmund: (sotto voce) If he’s got any sense, he’ll ask for a haircut.

McAngus: (stands) My Lord, I’m honoured. All I ask for is a scrap of land.
Grant me fair Selkirk, and the noble sire of Roxburgh.

Edmund: (stands) What?!

Harry: Very well. By the power invested in me–

Edmund: Er, excuse me… Erm, I’m sorry to dip my little fly in your ointment,
but, er, those lands do, in fact, belong to me.

Harry: (as if to say `So?’) Yes?

Edmund: Well, so, perhaps, perhaps he’d like to choose somewhere else.

Harry: McAngus?

McAngus: No, no; I’ll have Roxburgh and Selkirk.

Edmund: But that leaves me with Peebles!

McAngus: Oh, aye! and Peebles.

Edmund: B– b– but…

Harry: Are you trying to say something, Edmund?

Edmund: Well, I don’t know, I mean, some people might say, “Well! What an
absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland to a kilted maniac for
slaughtering a couple of syphillitic Turks!”

(McAngus reaches across the table and grabs Edmund)

Edmund: Au contraire! I say, “Let’s reward him.”

Harry: Good, good! So be it! (him and McAngus laugh and shake hands)

Edmund: (still being held firmly by McAngus) Hurray!

(cut to Edmund’s quarters. Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around
in front of Percy, who nods; Edmund enters)

Edmund: I’m gonna kill him, and I’m gonna kill him now!

Percy: Who, My Lord?

Edmund: That stinking Scottish weasel!

Baldrick: Why, My Lord?

Edmund: Because he’s a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that’s why!
(he goes to get a knife)

Percy: How?

Edmund: I’m gonna stab him!

Baldrick: Where?

Edmund: In the Great Hall and in the bladder!
(he begins to sharpen a knife)

Percy: But if you do it in front of everybody, won’t they suspect something?

Edmund: Ah, yes — a drawback. Yes… Perhaps we need something a little more

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.

Edmund: Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.

Baldrick: Well, mine’s pretty cunning, My Lord.

Edmund: Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.

Baldrick: Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.

Edmund: Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?

Baldrick: Well, mine’s quite cunning, My Lord.

Edmund: (fed up) Alright, then, let’s hear it! Let’s hear what’s so damn

Baldrick: Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–

Edmund: Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask
him to come with me and then…then stab him, perhaps. How
cunning can you get?

Baldrick: No, My Lord — you get this enormous great cannon–

Edmund: (as though the idea is ridiculous) Oh, I see, I take him outside,
get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.

Baldrick: (simultaneously) …blow it off! Yeah!

Edmund: Oh, yes, Baldrick, that’s (thinks about it) …that’s a wonderful
idea. No! I think I have a plan that will give us a little more
*entertainment*. (laughs)

(Edmund looks out the window, and sees McAngus leave. He goes outside and
finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her
feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows the Scotsman, who is out
for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in McAngus’ animal

Edmund: Aaahhhhh! (now he’s hanging upside-down)

McAngus: (without looking) Can I help you?

Edmund: Um, no, no. I’m fine, thank you.

McAngus: Good.

(long pause)

Edmund: I’m not in your way over here, am I?

McAngus: No.

Edmund: Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um…I was wondering if you could
do me a little favour.

McAngus: (finally stands up and turns to Edmund) Uh huh?

Edmund: Erm, I was wondering if you’d like to help with the celebrations

McAngus: How? By staying away, d’you mean?

(Edmund chuckles a bit, then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe.
McAngus chops Edmund’s bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and
remains lying there, trying to look casual.)

Edmund: Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a
mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but,
unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought
you’d be the perfect person to (stands) … to take his place.

McAngus: Well, I warn you (he swipes down at the ground, killing a [badger?]):
I’m no actor.

Edmund: Well, there shouldn’t be much acting required. (McAngus tosses the
creature’s corpse aside) Erm, it’s an ancient Egyptian piece, er,
called `The Death of the Scotsman’.

McAngus: I’ll have a crack at it. (throws a knife; a creature releases
a short scream before dying)

Edmund: You…you could play the Scotsman, if you like, who…who dies
at the end of the play.

McAngus: Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. (walks off)

Edmund: Yes, well, as I say: there…there may not be much acting required.
(grins evilly to himself, then walks off a bit proudly)

McAngus: Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.

Edmund: (falls in) Aaahhhhh!


(cut to the entertainments. The Jumping Jews are jumping, all at apparently
different rhythms, despite the rhythmic twang of a Jew’s harp. Harry and
Queen look bored. Edmund takes a bit of cloth backstage, checks that no-one
is looking, then replaces the fake, sliding-blade knives for the play with
real ones, which were wrapped in the cloth he was carrying. After wrapping
up the fake knives, he whispers to Percy, who takes the cloth-wrapped fake
knives away. Then Edmund tests the real knives by sticking one into the
table, but he’s unable to pull it out. He turns around, hiding the real
knife stuck in the table, as Prique and his Wooferoonies arrive, waving
their arms in the air.)

Prique: Tall trees! Let’s see those branches waving and swaying in the
breeze. Taller, taller, taller. Now smaller! (they all crouch down)
Small trees, very small…

Edmund: Ah, Sir Dominick! Have you made the necessary changes?

Prique: Yes, My Lord.

(Edmund finally pulls out the knife, but his energy propels him into
Prique and the Wooferoonies. He does conceal the knife, though, as
McAngus enters, wearing a pharoah’s headdress and carrying an Egyptian

Edmund: Ah! McAngus! Meet your murderers.

(Prique and the Wooferoonies continue their warmup — crouching down and then
rising while saying a slow `Woof!’ McAngus looks a bit baffled. The
Jumping Jews finish their act, and get very little applause. They go
backstage, where Prique is singing a `mi’. One of the Wooferoonies stops
one of the Jews.)

Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): How did it go?

Jumping Jew: Er, not bad. (He removes his false beard to reveal his real
beard underneath.) But, er, you know, I don’t really think they
understood it.

(Prique and the Wooferoonies sheath their knives and begin the play.)

Prique: (????) with most bold intent…

Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Here by the (?) of the graceful Nile…

Prique: Where camels ride and deserts blow…

Wooferoonie (1 or 2): To spill the blood of this Scotsman vile…

Queen: (to Harry) What is a Scotsman doing in Egypt?

Harry: I’m not sure, but apparently they’ve had very good reviews.


McAngus: (to Edmund) You see your mother there? I met my father on my way
back from France. Apparently, him and your mother used to (he bends
his arm with a clenched fist) way-hey-hey!

Edmund: Look, don’t be absurd; such activities are totally beyond my mother.
My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was
a cure for diarrhoea.

McAngus: Don’t you believe it. I got some letters I took (???), and —
by God! — they’re hot stuff! I tell you, they certainly cast
a wee shadow of doubt over the patronage of young Harry for a

Edmund: Look, don’t be absu– (he realises what that would mean)

(meanwhile, on stage)

Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Silence!

Edmund: (to McAngus backstage) What?!

Wooferoonie (1 or 2?): Listen! A bagpipe strums. Behold! This way our victim
comes. For never was there a tyrant (…) \
(backstage) >
McAngus: Oh that’s my cue! I’m on! /

Edmund: Letters? Letters? Where are these letters?

McAngus: They’re safely hidden away. I’ll show you them later. (goes on

Edmund: Oh, all right. (realises that won’t be possible) \
(play) >
Wooferoonie (1 or 2): (…) the shadow of yonder mighty Fen Ness! /

Wooferoonie (the other): Tutankhamen McPerson, you come not a wait too soon;
for is this not the weather fair for this, the ides
of June?

(one of the audience shakes his head at the horrible acting and/or nonsense

McAngus: (acting really badly) Aye, it is. What business do you mean?

(backstage, Edmund is desperate. He comes up behind Percy and Baldrick, who
watch the play through peepholes, eagerly awaiting the murder)

Edmund: Quick! Oh my God! McAngus is going to die!

Percy: And not a moment too soon!

Baldrick: Carrot-faced orangutan!

Percy: Theiving Scots weasel!

Baldrick and Percy: Death to the Scot!!!

Edmund: No, no! Look, he knows too much!

Percy: (dramatically) That is why he must die!

Edmund: No, he musn’t! He musn’t! He has vital information. I’ve changed
my mind! I’ve changed my mind! Oh my God! What am I going to do?

Baldrick: Er, stop the show, My Lord.

Edmund: How? How?

Percy: Just say `Stop!’

Edmund: What’s our reason? What’s our reason for stopping the show?

Percy: Because the knives are real and McAngus is just about to get killed.

Edmund: Oh, you bastard! (He picks up a knife and stabs Percy — but it’s
one of the fake knives. He then gets an idea.)

Baldrick: Go on, My Lord! Quick!

(Edmund hurriedly fits the cloth over his head in an Egyptian fashion, and
prances on stage just as Prique and the Wooferoonies are about to very
dramatically stab McAngus.)

Edmund: Stop! (trying to act) Sorry I’m late. (stabs McAngus)

(confused pause)

(Edmund stabs McAngus again)

(confused pause)

(Edmund pushes McAngus)

McAngus: Oh, aye! (falls over) Auugh!

(Harry is extremely bored. Only the man who shook his head earlier, and one
woman, applauds, very slowly, as though it’s quite an effort to applaud
something so awful.)

(Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs)

Edmund: Good, excellent! It’s certainly my mother’s handwriting. When did
you say these were written?

McAngus: Er, 1460.

Edmund: The year my brother was born… (laughs) Baldrick, get in here!
(Baldrick enters) Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the
rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.

Baldrick: Why?

Edmund: `Why’? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!

Baldrick: No — why have they been cancelled, My Lord?

Edmund: Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to
make. (laughs)

Baldrick: Does that mean I have to take the dress off?

Edmund: Oh get out, get out, get out! Out out out out!

(as Baldrick leaves, McAngus reaches between Baldrick’s legs from behind)

McAngus: Y’know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.

Edmund: Ah yes, one day.

McAngus: Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father,
he’d just charged (?) Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.


Edmund: (excited) Oh?

McAngus: Yes. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and
your father with a small knife for peeling fruit.

(Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles.)

(Back at the entertainments, a man on stage shoos away his four chickens, who
have just laid eggs.)

Harry: Jerry Meriwether… another nail in the coffin of variety.

Queen: I liked Bernard the Rabbit Baiter!

Edmund: (arriving on stage with Percy and McAngus) Thank you, thank you.

Harry: Look, Edmund, is this announcement going to take long? I haven’t seen
hide nor hair of a eunuch yet.

Edmund: Oh, don’t worry, Harry — it will soon all be over. My dear mother,
my dear brother, lords and ladies of the court: Today, there came
into my possession, from the hands, My Lord, of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngus, certain letters — rather extraordinary letters —
concerning the lineage of Prince Harry.

Queen: L– l– letters? What is so extraordinary about them?

Harry: Letters?

Edmund: Well, Harry, they were written by your mother to your father.

(Harry chuckles, no longer worrying)

Edmund: Your father, Harry, being, of course, Donald, Third Duke of Argyll.

(Queen is extremely shocked. Baldrick puts a hand on her shoulder.)

Harry: I beg your pardon!!!

Edmund: These letters are of quite an intimate nature. Let me give you an
example. (takes one from Percy, who mouths the words as Edmund
reads) “Arundel; Thursday. My dear Hairy-wairy: Often when you sit
at table with my husband, probing deeply into the affairs of state,
I long for the day when you will probe deeply–”

(Queen is nearly fainting from shock)

Harry: Edmund! Are you sure you know what you are saying?

Edmund: As sure as our mother was, Harry, when she wrote these words:
(takes another one from Percy, who mouths again as Edmund reads)
“Dear Big-boy: Sail south! As you know, your galleon is always
assured a warm welcome in *my* harbour.”

Harry: “Big-boy”? Mother, do you know anything about this?

Queen: What chance did I have? I was just a little foreign girl.

Harry: Then I must renounce the Regency and hie me to a monastery.
Edmund, you shall be Regent until … *your* father returns.

Edmund: The King will not be returning.

Harry: WHAT?

Queen: (smiling) Oh dear.

Edmund: No, when McAngus last saw him, he was facing half the Turkish army,
armed only with a small piece of cutlery. So, Percy, if you’d like to
start things off… (he goes to stand where Harry was sitting)

Percy: (standing on a table) The King is dead! Long live the King! (people
join in) The King is dead! Long live the King!

Harry: …*probably* dead.

(the incidental music stops suddenly; pause)

Percy & all: The King is probably dead! Long live the King! The King is
probably dead! Long live the King! The King is–

(King enters)

Percy & all: …not dead! Long live the King!

(Everyone cheers. Percy gets down from the table.)


blood death war rumpy pumpyKing: BLOOD! DEATH! WAR! RUMPY-PUMPY! TRIUMPH! (tosses down his lance, then
sees McAngus) McANGUS!!! (they embrace) My companion in blood, and
most trusted friend!

McAngus: You made it!

King: I made it, thanks to my trusty fruit knife! (runs the tiny knife
across his throat; laughs; then sees Edmund standing next to the
Queen) Wait a minute! (climbs onto the table) What’s going on here?
(points at Edmund) Who are you?

Queen: He’s our son.

King: What?! (does a bit of a double-take) Oh, yes! Of course — Enid!

Edmund: My beloved father, certain letters have come to light which might
change things a bit around here.

King: Letters? What letters?

Edmund: They speak of acts of love between your wife and Donald, the Gay Dog
of the Glens. (reads) “How I long to be in that kingdom between the
saffron sheets where you and your ruler are the only ruler.”

(Queen nearly faints again)

Edmund: And then acts of love consummated, “Oh, you enormous Scotsman,”
et cetera. And these letters are dated November and December 1460,
which, Harry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine

Harry: …*after* I was born!

McAngus: (smiling) But about nine months before *your* birth, Edmund!


Harry: No — I think *you’re* the bastard, Edmund.

(everyone laughs)

King: Silence! I want an explanation!

Edmund: Er, My Liege, the reason I have gathered you all here today (he
gathers the letters, and approaches McAngus) is to try to get some
proper justice meeted out against this Scottish turd who has clearly
forged these obviously fake letters!

King: Let me see them!

Edmund: No, I rip them up in his face so that no hint of their filthy
slander can remain. (He has done so, and picks up a piece he dropped,
then rushes to the fireplace and tosses them in. He then returns to
McAngus.) You come in here, fresh from slaughtering a couple of chocos
when their backs were turned, and you think you can upset the harmony
of a whole kingdom? I challenge you to a duel!

McAngus: …to the death!!!

Edmund: (weakly) Erm… yes, alright.

King: Excellent idea! After all, it is St. Leonard’s Day — there’s meant to
be some entertainment! (laughs; climbs down to them) Good. Very good.
Take your places.

(Edmund and McAngus go to opposite ends of the stage, Edmund clearly muttering
a prayer. King goes to McAngus and rubs his lucky fruit knife along McAngus’

King: It is nice to see old glen (shear?) again, eh, McAngus?

McAngus: (?????????) and the human shishkebab!
(he thrusts his sword straight up; he and King laugh)

King: How could I ever forget! (shouts) Very well! Let the killing begin!

(Edmund draws his sword, and sillily waves it about, trying to look like
a skilled swordsman… One of the men at the tables sighs, his eyes rolling.
As soon as Edmund stops moving his sword, McAngus swings and slices the
blade off.)

McAngus: Let’s see the Black Adder wriggle out of this one!
(puts his sword to Edmund’s neck)

Edmund: Er, look…

(McAngus pauses)

King: Come on! What’s the hold up?

Edmund: Er, I’ll give you everything I own! Everything!

McAngus: Uh huh?

Edmund: I’m, I’m hardly a rich man.

King: You’re hardly a man at all! (laughs)

Edmund: But, but my horse must be worth a thousand ducats. I can sell my
wardrobe — the pride of my life — my swords, my curtains, my socks,
and my fighting cocks. My servants I can live without, except perhaps
he who oils my rack.

(King yawns)

Edmund: And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of antique
codpieces, my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private
occassions, and my wigs — heh — for humourous occassions; my
collection of pokers, my (Grendel’s stretchers?), my ornamental
(pumphries?), and, of course, my autographed miniature of Judas

McAngus: (turns to the crowd and laughs) That’s nowhere near enough!

(McAngus prepares to thrust; Edmund covers his face; McAngus then lowers
his sword.)

McAngus: Och, I’m only kiddin’! (mutters to Edmund) Actually, I’m quite
interested in the wigs. (shouts something (“Well done, lad”?);
playfully hits Edmund in the arm, then walks over to King, but
shouts back to Edmund, who slowly is leaving) Hey! I hope life
doesn’t become too dull now that you won’t be able to pass laws
over Scotland.

Edmund: (nods, then turns and speaks sotto voce)
I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland.

(cut to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored)

Harry: We’re all terribly pleased you’re back, Father.

King: I’m not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the Queen’s
“got a headache.”

Harry: Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the
Archbishop of York has asked me if you’d care to join his formation
Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.

King: Do you want me to be honest or tactful?

Harry: Er, tactful, I think.

King: Tell him to get stuffed!

Harry: Ah, right.

King: Has the little hooligan McAngus left?

Harry: No, Edmund’s giving him a last look round the castle now.

(cut to outside, at the top of the castle. Edmund shows McAngus the view from
an archer’s battlement, then turns away)

Edmund: …while this… (shows McAngus a cannon)

(cut back to King and Harry)

King: Well, I’ll be sorry to see him go.

(back on the roof)

McAngus: (with his head down the mouth of the cannon) Ah, very interesting.

(Edmund moves to behind the cannon)

(Back inside)

Harry: Yes, and so will Edmund — they’ve become firm friends.

(a very loud sound is heard from outside)

Harry: What the devil?!

King: The Turks!

Harry: The drains!

(Edmund runs in)

Edmund: Father! Harry! There’s been rather a messy accident. You must come

Harry: Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! (rushes out, follwed by King)

(Edmund jumps for joy)


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