There is a popular phrase – “A Blackadder Quote a Day keeps the cretins away”. OK, perhaps that is not an official saying, but it should be! Never a day goes by, when I don’t quote Blackadder at least once. And even if I don’t actually quote from the show, I give a ‘BAHHH’ General Melchett style!
If you are looking to find the best Blackadder quotes online, then check out this collection. Blackadder quotes are updated daily, and so you can pick a new one every day of the year!
As well as our Blackadder quotes, you can also find series and episode descriptions, as well as complete scripts for all the shows. It is like Blackadder heaven!
Private Baldrick may have been the worst cook in the entire world, but he had some great lines in Blackadder Goes Forth. Here’s a look at some of them.
Baldrick and his cunning plans
Private Baldrick is the fourth incarnation of Baldrick in the Blackadder series. Like his ancestors before him, he likes coming up with cunning plans to help Blackadder out of sticky situations. None of which work particularly well.
“Permission to write home immediately sir! This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick’s ever had. For centuries we’ve tried, and they’ve always turned out total pigswill! My mum will be pleased as Punch.”
Baldrick is a great cook
Some of his funniest lines come from cooking, whether it is his recipes or his coffee! Here’s a look at his typical menu!
Rat au Van (a rat that’s been run over by a van),
Filet mignon in Sauce Bearnaise (dog turds covered in glue),
Plum duff (a mole hill decorated in rabbit droppings),
Cream custard (cat’s vomit),
Coffee (hot mud), with milk (spit), sugar (dandruff) and rather dubious ‘chocolate sprinkles’ (try and guess what that one is) .
Apple crumble which contains fish
More rat; sautée, which involves:
taking the freshly shaved rat and marinading it in a puddle (When Blackadder asks how long it should be ‘marinated’ for, the reply is ’till it’s drowned’)
stretching it out under a hot lightbulb
getting within dashing distance of a latrine
scoffing it right down!
Rat fricassée, which is the same as above, but a slightly bigger rat.
Captain Darling is a desk-sucking, pen pushing blotter jotter played by Tim McInnerny in Blackadder Goes Forth. Let’s take a look at some of his best moments here!
Captain Kevin Darling, MC (ca. 1884 – 1917)
After deciding not to take a leading role in the third series of Blackadder, Tim McInnerny returned as a full cast member in the 4th series.
Instead of playing an incarnation of Lord Percy Percy, this time, he played Captain Darling, a pencil-pushing aide to the crazy General Melchett.
Captain Darling Personal Background
As with many of the other characters in Blackadder Goes Forth, we find out a little more about Captain Darling’s background in each episode, with the final episode of Blackadder revealing the most amount of information.
For example, we discover that Captain Darling has a girlfriend called Doris, he aspired to keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen, and he worked for a company called Pratt & Sons.
Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please tell me.
Percy: All right: I go along to the Infanta’s room and tell her that you’ve gone mad. She comes to the door, and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then — and this is the cunning bit — instead of saying `oink oink’, you say `mooooo’!
Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
Edmund: Oh! What is it?
Edmund: Brilliant! (laughs, shakes Baldrick’s hand) Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
This one is our favourite though:
Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Edmund: Oh, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
Cunning in its simplicity
In the final episode of the first series, The Black Seal, we get some final use of the phrase as Blackadder becomes King (briefly!).
EBA: Very well, the plan is simple.
WD I thought it was cunning.
ALL: Down with the plan.
EBA: Well….. it’s cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home…
Blackadder Series 2 Cunning Plans
Moving on to the second series of Blackadder, which is where Ben Elton took on the co-writing. In the very first episode, the phrase was used again, but not by one of the main characters. Instead, it was used by the Wise Woman.
W: Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.
After this, although the word ‘cunning’ was used in various episodes of the second series, the actual phrase ‘I have a cunning plan’ was not used again until the third series.
Blackadder Series 3 Cunning Plans
By the third series of Blackadder, the writers had clearly paid attention to which catchphrases people used in everyday conversations. The theme of a cunning plan really started to take off!
Turnips are a recurring theme in Blackadder, probably because they are the same shape as a thingey. Here’s the best Baldrick turnip quotes from the first two series of Blackadder.
The Best Turnip Quotes from Blackadder
Have you ever dreamed of a great big turnip in the country?
Let’s check out the Blackadder turnip quotes through the first two series.
We’ll do the last series next week!
Blackadder Series 1 Turnips
The word turnip first gets mentioned in the very first episode, of Blackadder in the first series – The Foretelling when the new King Richard gives a speech.
King (previously `Richard’): This day has been as ’twere A mighty stew In which the beef of victory Was mix’d With the vile turnip Of sweet Richard slain And the grisly dumpling Of his killer fled. But we must eat The yellow wobbly parts [?] two [?] serves. In life, each man gets What he deserves!
Blackadder Series 2 Turnips – Beer
Perhaps the most famous episode for Blackadder turnip quotes, is from the second series.
Beer sees Edmund put in an awkward situation, where he needs to drink some incredibly strong ale, whilst pretending to be sober for his relatives.
A number of turnip quotes appear in this episode.
Baldrick: In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise. Edmund: and the surprise is…? Baldrick: …there’s nothing else in it except the turnip. Edmund: So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be…a turnip.
He obviously knew that turnips had a number of health benefits!
The Thingey scene
Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready? [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.] Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord. Edmund: Then what is so funny?
Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise —
we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape…as a thingy!
[Percy and Baldrick laugh.] Edmund: [not amused] …a thingy… Baldrick: …a great big thingy! It was terrific. Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item…? Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord. Edmund: Good, because there’s nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip. Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. …but it was jolly funny! [laughs more] Edmund: Yes, yes, yes… Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I’ve got a thingy that’s shaped like a turnip!
Talking with his Uncle and Aunt about the turnip
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub — for Satan saw God’s blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape. Edmund: Ah. Aunt: I shall have my turnip as God intended. [sits] Edmund: Fine. [calls] Baldrick! [Baldrick enters.] Baldrick: My Lord…? Edmund: Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please? Baldrick: Well, we’ve only got the one that– Edmund: [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant to Aunt and Uncle] Just do it, thank you. [Baldrick leaves.] Edmund: [to Uncle] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?
Your Turnip My Lady
And the bit you’ve been waiting for! Let’s take a look at the colossal drunken roar as well…
[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip] Edmund: Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause] Oh my god… Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady… Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night. [Uncle’s eyes open wide, in surprise. Baldrick has left.] Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.
Uncle: Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip — very funny! >Exactly< the same shape…as a thingy! [leaves]
More Blackadder Quotes
Before you go, check out these other collections of the best quotes from Blackadder:
Captain Blackadder, Lieutenant George, and Private Baldrick see joining the Air Corps as a great way of sitting in a classroom instead of fighting on the front lines. Unfortunately for them, the course is taught by Squadron Commander Flashheart, who lives for danger- much like his nemesis, the infamous Red Baron.
Although not one of the main cast, Rik Mayall made a number of appearances throughout the Blackadder saga. Here’s a look at all of the Rik Mayall Blackadder appearances, including a couple you might have forgotten about.