There is a popular phrase – “A Blackadder Quote a Day keeps the cretins away”. OK, perhaps that is not an official saying, but it should be! Never a day goes by, when I don’t quote Blackadder at least once. And even if I don’t actually quote from the show, I give a ‘BAHHH’ General Melchett style!
If you are looking to find the best Blackadder quotes online, then check out this collection. Blackadder quotes are updated daily, and so you can pick a new one every day of the year!
As well as our Blackadder quotes, you can also find series and episode descriptions, as well as complete scripts for all the shows. It is like Blackadder heaven!
Private Baldrick may have been the worst cook in the entire world, but he had some great lines in Blackadder Goes Forth. Here’s a look at some of them.
Baldrick and his cunning plans
Private Baldrick is the fourth incarnation of Baldrick in the Blackadder series. Like his ancestors before him, he likes coming up with cunning plans to help Blackadder out of sticky situations. None of which work particularly well.
“Permission to write home immediately sir! This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick’s ever had. For centuries we’ve tried, and they’ve always turned out total pigswill! My mum will be pleased as Punch.”
Baldrick is a great cook
Some of his funniest lines come from cooking, whether it is his recipes or his coffee! Here’s a look at his typical menu!
Rat au Van (a rat that’s been run over by a van),
Filet mignon in Sauce Bearnaise (dog turds covered in glue),
Plum duff (a mole hill decorated in rabbit droppings),
Cream custard (cat’s vomit),
Coffee (hot mud), with milk (spit), sugar (dandruff) and rather dubious ‘chocolate sprinkles’ (try and guess what that one is) .
Apple crumble which contains fish
More rat; sautée, which involves:
taking the freshly shaved rat and marinading it in a puddle (When Blackadder asks how long it should be ‘marinated’ for, the reply is ’till it’s drowned’)
stretching it out under a hot lightbulb
getting within dashing distance of a latrine
scoffing it right down!
Rat fricassée, which is the same as above, but a slightly bigger rat.
Captain Darling is a desk-sucking, pen pushing blotter jotter played by Tim McInnerny in Blackadder Goes Forth. Let’s take a look at some of his best moments here!
Captain Kevin Darling, MC (ca. 1884 – 1917)
After deciding not to take a leading role in the third series of Blackadder, Tim McInnerny returned as a full cast member in the 4th series.
Instead of playing an incarnation of Lord Percy Percy, this time, he played Captain Darling, a pencil-pushing aide to the crazy General Melchett.
Captain Darling Personal Background
As with many of the other characters in Blackadder Goes Forth, we find out a little more about Captain Darling’s background in each episode, with the final episode of Blackadder revealing the most amount of information.
For example, we discover that Captain Darling has a girlfriend called Doris, he aspired to keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen, and he worked for a company called Pratt & Sons.
Captain Darling is a perfect example of a toadying underling to a person in a position of power.
In this case, it is General Melchett, who for the most part treats him with disdain.
At one point, he even describes Captain Darling like a son, but not a favourite, rather a “sort of spotty, illegitimate sprog that no-one really likes”.
Rivalry with Blackadder
For reasons that are never fully explained, he has a rivalry with Captain Blackadder.
It is perhaps to do with that fact that they are both of equal rank, but whereas Captain Darling has probably pulled strings to avoid frontline duty, Blackadder is in the trenches.
This has led to a jealous resentment that shows in each episode.
Who wins between Blackadder and Captain Darling?
This is an interesting question.
For the most part, Captain Darling seems to come out on top during their petty rivalries, but Blackadder always seems to get some sort of petty revenge.
The most famous being when he asks Baldrick to make Captain Darling a cup of coffee!
Our favourite Captain Darling scenes
Here’s a look at some of our favourite scenes featuring Captain Darling from Blackadder. We hope you like them too!
‘I have a cunning plan’ is the most recognised catchphrase from Blackadder. Let’s look at every cunning plan quote from every episode!
I have a cunning plan
The words ‘I have a cunning plan’ are perhaps the most recognisable from the Blackadder TV series. How many times were they used though, and who used them the most? Let’s take a look.
Blackadder Pilot Episode
The very first time that the words ‘I have a cunning plan’ were used, was in the unaired pilot episode of Blackadder. It was a great little scene (for anyone fortunate enough to have seen it!).
Blackadder Series 1 Cunning Plans
Moving on to the first series of Blackadder, we start to see the word ‘cunning’ introduced in the very first episode.
Edmund: Those flags, Percy, are obviously just a cunning trick to deceive us into staying!
Baldrick: No, My Lord, I don’t think it is a cunning trick.
Edmund: Well, no, it’s not a particularly cunning trick, because we’ve seen through it! But obviously they thought it was cunning when they thought it out.
Whist this didn’t use the phrase ‘cunning plan’, we can see that it is well on its way!
Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please tell me.
Percy: All right: I go along to the Infanta’s room and tell her that you’ve gone mad. She comes to the door, and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then — and this is the cunning bit — instead of saying `oink oink’, you say `mooooo’!
Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
Edmund: Oh! What is it?
Edmund: Brilliant! (laughs, shakes Baldrick’s hand) Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
This one is our favourite though:
Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Edmund: Oh, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
Cunning in its simplicity
In the final episode of the first series, The Black Seal, we get some final use of the phrase as Blackadder becomes King (briefly!).
EBA: Very well, the plan is simple.
WD I thought it was cunning.
ALL: Down with the plan.
EBA: Well….. it’s cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home…
Blackadder Series 2 Cunning Plans
Moving on to the second series of Blackadder, which is where Ben Elton took on the co-writing. In the very first episode, the phrase was used again, but not by one of the main characters. Instead, it was used by the Wise Woman.
W: Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.
After this, although the word ‘cunning’ was used in various episodes of the second series, the actual phrase ‘I have a cunning plan’ was not used again until the third series.
Blackadder Series 3 Cunning Plans
By the third series of Blackadder, the writers had clearly paid attention to which catchphrases people used in everyday conversations. The theme of a cunning plan really started to take off!
Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this problem.
Really. Just tell him to meet me here at 5 o’clock, will you? To discuss an extremely cunning plan. If all goes well by tomorrow the clan of McAdder will be marching back the high road back to glory.
So tell me cousin, I hear you have a cunning plan.
Blackadder Series 4 Cunning Plans
The final series of Blackadder is some of the funniest and well written comedy to ever come out of the UK.
Most people think of Baldrick cunning plan quotes from series 4.
It goes without saying that the phrase ‘I have a cunning plan’ was used multiple times! Here’s some of the best, including Baldrick quotes about cunning plans.
This episode includes the very famous Baldrick cunning fox quote from Blackadder!
Baldrick: Well, I have a cunning plan, sir.
Edmund: All right, Baldrick — for old time’s sake.
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Edmund: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Edmund: As cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Voice: On the signal, company will advance!
Edmund: Well, I’m afraid it’ll have to wait. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
Blackadder Cunning Plan Quotes
If you enjoyed this history of cunning plans, be sure to add it to your Pinterest board if you have one!
Turnips are a recurring theme in Blackadder, probably because they are the same shape as a thingey. Here’s the best Baldrick turnip quotes from the first two series of Blackadder.
The Best Turnip Quotes from Blackadder
Have you ever dreamed of a great big turnip in the country?
Let’s check out the Blackadder turnip quotes through the first two series.
We’ll do the last series next week!
Blackadder Series 1 Turnips
The word turnip first gets mentioned in the very first episode, of Blackadder in the first series – The Foretelling when the new King Richard gives a speech.
King (previously `Richard’): This day has been as ’twere A mighty stew In which the beef of victory Was mix’d With the vile turnip Of sweet Richard slain And the grisly dumpling Of his killer fled. But we must eat The yellow wobbly parts [?] two [?] serves. In life, each man gets What he deserves!
Blackadder Series 2 Turnips – Beer
Perhaps the most famous episode for Blackadder turnip quotes, is from the second series.
Beer sees Edmund put in an awkward situation, where he needs to drink some incredibly strong ale, whilst pretending to be sober for his relatives.
A number of turnip quotes appear in this episode.
Baldrick: In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise. Edmund: and the surprise is…? Baldrick: …there’s nothing else in it except the turnip. Edmund: So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be…a turnip.
He obviously knew that turnips had a number of health benefits!
The Thingey scene
Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready? [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.] Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord. Edmund: Then what is so funny?
Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise —
we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape…as a thingy!
[Percy and Baldrick laugh.] Edmund: [not amused] …a thingy… Baldrick: …a great big thingy! It was terrific. Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item…? Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord. Edmund: Good, because there’s nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip. Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. …but it was jolly funny! [laughs more] Edmund: Yes, yes, yes… Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I’ve got a thingy that’s shaped like a turnip!
Talking with his Uncle and Aunt about the turnip
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub — for Satan saw God’s blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape. Edmund: Ah. Aunt: I shall have my turnip as God intended. [sits] Edmund: Fine. [calls] Baldrick! [Baldrick enters.] Baldrick: My Lord…? Edmund: Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please? Baldrick: Well, we’ve only got the one that– Edmund: [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant to Aunt and Uncle] Just do it, thank you. [Baldrick leaves.] Edmund: [to Uncle] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?
Your Turnip My Lady
And the bit you’ve been waiting for! Let’s take a look at the colossal drunken roar as well…
[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip] Edmund: Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause] Oh my god… Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady… Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night. [Uncle’s eyes open wide, in surprise. Baldrick has left.] Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.
And finally…
Uncle: Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip — very funny! >Exactly< the same shape…as a thingy! [leaves]
More Blackadder Quotes
Before you go, check out these other collections of the best quotes from Blackadder:
Blackadder has given us some of the very greatest moments in British Comedy, and so choosing the best Blackadder episodes is no easy task. This is what we have come up with.
The Best Blackadder Episodes
We’ve put together 10 of the very best Blackadder episodes, along with our favourite scenes from each.
These are in no particular order, although in our opinion, the final episode of Blackadder Goes Forth is the very pinnacle of both British Comedy and British drama.
1. Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Most people agree that the first series of Blackadder was certainly nowhere near the best!
It did have its moments though, and the fifth episode was probably the best.
Starring Frank Finlay as the Witchsmeller Pursuivant himself, Prince Edmund or the Great Grumbledook as he is accused, is put on trial.
Interesting note – This episode is one of the first times that Baldrick uses the words ‘I have a cunning plan‘.
2. Bells
The first episode of the second series of Blackadder stands out for two reasons.
The first, is that you can tell almost immediately that the writing has stepped up several notches in terms of quality.
The second, is that Rik Mayall turns up in a cameo role as Lord Flashheart. All we have to say is Woof!
3. Potato
Potato from the second series is another one that ranks highly among the best episodes of Blackadder.
This episode is notable for Tom Baker’s magnificent performance as Captain Redbeard Rum.
At the time, Tom Baker was dismayed at his performance, but we hope he’s changed his mind since then.
4. Beer
Beer is another great episode from the second series of Blackadder.
It again features some great cameo appearances, but in all honesty, it’s the comedy breasts that make this for us along with the turnip shaped like a thingy!
5. Dish and Dishonesty
The genius thing about the first episode of the third series of Blackadder, is that the quotes can still be used for every election that crops up!
In fact, in recent years, the electoral candidates in Blackadder seem slighter more realistic than the current batch of politicians we all seem lumbered with.
6. Ink and Incapability
Dr. Johnson, a dictionary, and a large orangey thing under the mantelpiece. What could possible go wrong?
In this choice of one of the best Blackadder episodes, we are introduced to some novel new words. We’ll be back interfrastically.
7. Duel and Duality
The final episode in the third series of Blackadder sees a guest appearance by Stephen Fry as the Duke of Wellington.
This was almost certainly a pre-runner to the famous General Melchett character in the fourth series.
Remember, there’s only one way to win a campaign – Shout, Shout, and Shout Again!!
8. Private Plane
Whilst we rather liked the sound of the Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corp, Blackadder did sign up for the 20 minuters in Private Plane.
One of the best Blackadder episodes for many reasons, not least because Rik Mayall again came in to steal the show!
9. General Hospital
Miranda Richardson took on a cameo role in this episode, where Blackadder was given the mission to find a German spy.
There’s so many quotes here we don’t know where to begin, but the Pooh Pooh scene still has us in stitches to this day!
10. Goodbyeee
What can we say about the final episode of Blackadder that hasn’t been said before?
Captain Blackadder, Lieutenant George, and Private Baldrick see joining the Air Corps as a great way of sitting in a classroom instead of fighting on the front lines. Unfortunately for them, the course is taught by Squadron Commander Flashheart, who lives for danger- much like his nemesis, the infamous Red Baron.
Although not one of the main cast, Rik Mayall made a number of appearances throughout the Blackadder saga. Here’s a look at all of the Rik Mayall Blackadder appearances, including a couple you might have forgotten about.
General Melchett combines his university experience, knowledge of rugby and even flower arranging to display some unique leadership skills in Blackadder.
