Blackadder Comic Relief – The Cavalier Years and Spider-Plant Man

Blackadder - The Cavalier Years

Fans of Blackadder may know that there was a Blackadder Comic Relief sketch known as the Cavalier Years. What is perhaps not so well known though, is that another sketch came about due to ideas that were talked about for a fifth Blackadder series.

Blackadder Specials - The Cavalier Years Blackadder Comic Relief

The Cavalier Years

The 15 minute Blackadder Comic Relief sketch that most fans will know, was broadcast on Red Nose Day Friday 5 February 1988.

The Cavalier Years starred Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, and Stephen Fry.

Warren Clark ( a previous guest star in Blackadder 2) also puts in an appearance as Oliver Cromwell.

The Cavalier Years is a fun sketch, with Stephen Fry’s parody of Prince Charles still funny to this day.

Blackadder The Cavalier Years

Blackadder Comic Relief Sketch – The Cavalier Years

Check out the full 15 minute Blackadder Comic Relief sketch here:

Spider-Plant Man

And so we go onto the sketch that few people know about – Spider-Plant Man!

Spider-plant man

Now, obviously this is not Blackadder, but it does have two of the main stars.

There’s a good reason for this. The idea for Spider-Plant Man came from discussions that were had for a fifth series of Blackadder that might have been called ‘Batadder’.

This would have been (if it wasn’t obvious already) a Blackadder/Batman parody.

Spider-plant man

As it was though, no fifth series of Blackadder was ever made.

As much as we’d love to see one, it seems unlikely that it will happen any time soon.

Spider-Plant Man

The Spider-Plant Man  aired on 11 March 2005.

In addition to Rowan Atkinson and Tony Robinson, another Blackadder cast member to feature was Jim Broadbent.

He has previously played Don Speekingleesh in “The Queen of Spain’s Beard” in the first series of The Black Adder in 1983.

He also played the role of Prince Albert in Blackadder’s Christmas Carol.

Now in all honesty, this comic relief sketch isn’t the funniest. BUT, right at the end there’s a line or two which sounds EXACTLY like the sort of thing they would have included in Blackadder.

Well, am I glad you did that. In fact, I’m as glad as Bernard Gladboy McGlad, on the gladdest day of his life when he’d just won the gladdest man in North Gladmanshire competition, beating into second place Gladys the Glad. 

 

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol – A Merry Messy Christmas

Blackadder Specials - Blackadder's Christmas Carols

Christmas wouldn’t be, well Christmas, without watching Blackadder’s Christmas Carol at least once! Here’s some of the best scenes from the Blackadder special.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder Christmas Special

Dicken’s Christmas Carol gets turned on its head for this Blackadder special. We are introduced to Ebenezer Blackadder who is the proprietor of a “moustache shop”, and quite possibly the nicest man in England. Unfortunately, it seems that everyone but his loyal employee Baldrick takes advantage of him. All that changes though.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol - Blackadder buying some matches he doesn't need

 

Robbie Coltrane as the Spirit of Christmas

Robbie Coltrane (who appeared in Blackadder the Third as Dr. Johnson) enters the scene as the Spirit of Christmas. Congratulating Blackadder on how well he has lived his life, he reluctantly shows him images of his ancestors. Note – We wonder how much influence this character had on his part in Harry Potter as Hagrid?!

Robbie Coltrane as the Ghost of Christmas in Blackadder

Blackadder starts to admire his ancestors

Far from being appalled by his ancestors, Blackadder starts to admire them and their devious ways. He sees that they manipulate people to their own advantage, and seem to get one up on the people around them. In effect, he realises that this is what people have been doing to him all his life. This is where the genius of Blackadder’s Christmas Carol comes into play. Starting out good, Blackadder ends up being bad!

Best Scenes from Blackadder’s Christmas Carol

There’s a lot of popular scenes from Blackadder’s Christmas Carol. Perhaps one of the funniest, is the Piggy Christmas Carol singers.

Piggy wiggy woo!

Melchett and Blackadder trade insults

In another flashback, Blackadder and Melchett swap insults as their characters from the second season of Blackadder.

The Ghost of Christmas Future

It’s terribly melodramatic! Blackadder, thrice endowed supreme donkey of the trouser part!

Curious Fact

Hardcore Blackadder fans may already know that in recent years, part of Blackadder’s Christmas Carol has become censored! Yes, as crazy as it seems, an edited version is now the one most commonly aired.

The edit occurs when Baldrick is talking about a dog being used as baby Jesus for the nativity. The removed line mentions the dog being nailed to a cross for Easter. We’ve managed to find a copy of the censored lines for you below here!

If you watch the Christmas Special this year, look out for this deleted scene so you can compare the two, and amaze people with your knowledge of crap facts!

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years – Full Episode, Quotes, and Script

Your head is as empty as a Eunuch's underpants - Blackadder insults

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years is a one off Blackadder Special set during the English Civil War. Filmed for Comic Relief, it was first broadcast in 1988.

Blackadder - The Cavalier Years

Blackadder: The Cavalier Years Plot

The setting for the Blackadder Comic Relief sketch: It’s 1648, and civil war rages across England. King Charles I (Stephen Fry) hides in Sir Blackadder’s house, being attended to by his servant Baldrick. Edmund goes to the toilet, telling Baldrick that ‘if Oliver Cromwell and his Roundheads should turn up in the next ten seconds then the king is not here’.

Oliver Cromwell does of course turn up and asks Baldrick if the king is here. Not the smartest guy alive, Baldrick struggles to answer the question but eventually says no. He then gives the game away by telling Cromwell not to touch the purple cup because ‘ it’s the king’s’.

Blackadder Specials - The Cavalier Years

As the king sits in the tower, Blackadder turns up dressed as a priest and tells the king that he is planning his escape, he tells him that the only flaw in his execution plan is that nobody will offer to become his executioner, just then, Edmund gets a note saying that they have found his executioner.

Back at his house Edmund finds out that Baldrick has volunteered to be the executioner, but has a ‘cunning plan’, he is going to paint a pumpkin, put it over the kings head and cut that off. Edmund tells him that it’s a stupid plan and decides to be the executioner instead, taking the 10,000 pounds that comes with the job.

Edmund turns up at the tower on the execution day where the king figures out his executioner disguise, thinking that Edmund intends to save his life, the king gives some money for his ‘troubles’, Edmund tries Baldrick’s plan of putting a pumpkin on ther king’s head, the crowd sees through the charade and Edmund is forced to kill the king.

Left in his home, holding the infant Charles II and surrounded by roundheads, Edmund gives the baby to Baldrick, disguises himself as a roundhead and tells them to kill Baldrick.

Watch the full episode of Blackadder The Cavalier Years

The Cavalier Years Full Script

NARRATOR
In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads. Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown. One was the sole descendent of a great historical English dynasty — his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder. The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer & bearded lady. History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name.

EDMUND
(coming into the hall (same set as Blackadder’s quarters in Blackadder Series 3)
Baldrick!

BALDRICK
(cutting heads off fish)
Yes, sir?

EDMUND
throws his hat down; rubs his hands together
Get me some mulled ale, will you? I’m freezing.

BALDRICK
How’s the King, sir?

EDMUND
Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who’s spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.

BALDRICK
(dropping spices into an ale goblet)
Do you think the Roundheads will find him?
gives ale goblet to Edmund

EDMUND
Certainly not. I’ve assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
(drinks)

One legged hunting tortoises quote

BALDRICK
(challengingly)
Is that true?

EDMUND
Yes, of course it’s true. Have you ever known me to lie to the King?

BALDRICK
Yes.

Edmund quickly puts down his ale, grabs Baldrick from across the table, picks up a knife and holds it to him.

BALDRICK
No.

EDMUND
Exactly. He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

BALDRICK
You can trust me, sir.

EDMUND
laughs; lets go; puts down knife
Right, Baldrick; I’m off to answer the call of nature.
heads for stairs
If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next ninety seconds, remember:
points at Baldrick from the top of the stairs; speaks insistently
The King is not hiding here.

BALDRICK
Yes, sir.
goes back to chopping fish heads; begins to sing
“Greensleeves is–”

Oliver Cromwell drops in. He is accompanied by a Roundhead.

CROMWELL
Good evening, citizen! I am Oliver Cromwell. My men have surrounded your house, and I am looking for royalist scum.
draws his sword; points it at Baldrick
Is the King hiding here?

BALDRICK
Erm…
thinks … thinks … thinks …
No.

CROMWELL
points sword up to Baldrick’s throat
On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?

BALDRICK
Yes, I am.

CROMWELL
I see.
sheaths sword
Well then, my proud beauty,
strokes the back of Baldrick’s head
you won’t mind if my men come in from the cold, will you…

ROUNDHEAD
shouts out the door
Men! Come in from the cold, will you!

CROMWELL
picks up a purple cup and the milk jug while Baldrick has turned back to his kitchen table
Now; we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.

Blackadder The Cavalier Years

BALDRICK
All right, but don’t touch the purple cup.

CROMWELL
Why not?

BALDRICK
That’s the King’s.

Two Weeks Later. The Tower of London.

King Charles is praying at the foot of the bed. The door opens, and he stands and turns as Cromwell and a guard enter.

CROMWELL
to guard
Thank you, citizen. You may leave me alone with King Charles.

The guard bows and exits.

KING
Ah, Mr Cromwell! How delightful to see you again.
shakes Cromwell’s hand
Um, don’t get up. Tell me: Er, have you come far?

CROMWELL
I have, sir! from country squire to Lord Protector of England!

KING
Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating. Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly does a Lord Protector do, as it were?

CROMWELL
He spells your doom, sir!

KING
He spells my doom? Wonderful! Well, that’s particularly exciting, because so many people these days can’t spell at all! er, particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.

CROMWELL
Pretty speech, sir! But all your fine words won’t save you from the scaffold!

A cowled priest has entered

KING
to Cromwell
Jolly good! Fascinating! Carry on.

CROMWELL
A priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you die!
exits

KING
to priest
Ah, hello!

EDMUND (for the priest is he)
Your Majesty, I can arrange for certain monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.
removes cowl

KING
Blackadder! You’re dressed as a priest! How dangerous and stupid and perverted! It’s just like school! [mumbles something]

EDMUND
Sire, this is a matter of life and death.

KING
Nonsense, Blackadder — I don’t think there’s a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.

There’s a knock on the door, and the guard returns, delivering a piece of paper to Edmund.

GUARD
Your Majesty — the verdict of the jury.
exits

KING
So, what does it say? Er, ?Guilty?, or ?Not Guilty??

EDMUND
looks at it
I’ll give you two guesses.

KING
Er, ?Not Guilty?.

EDMUND
One more guess.

Blackadder Hall. Baldrick is holding a fish in his right hand, and whacking at its head with a wooden rod. He then puts the rod down and inserts a knife into the fish’s gills. Edmund enters.

EDMUND
Oh, damn — one measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I’m on the wrong bloody side!

BALDRICK
Something wrong, sir?

EDMUND
Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is. Don’t you realise that, if the King dies, we royalists are doomed? We will enter a hideous age of puritanism — they’ll close all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal; and I won’t be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne. If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we’ll be for the chop.

BALDRICK
Ooh, I love chops…

EDMUND
Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.

BALDRICK
In what way?

EDMUND
It doesn’t exist. Oh god, what are we going to do?

BALDRICK
Don’t despair, sir; something will pop up.

EDMUND
Not under puritanism, it won’t. We must do something, otherwise the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.

BALDRICK
What ant?

EDMUND
picks up a meat tenderiser, bangs it against the table, then holds up the tenderiser for Baldrick to see
That one.

January 30th. The day of the Execution of King Charles the First.

The Tower of London. King Charles sits on the bed.

KING
So this is the day of the execution of Charles the First…

EDMUND
tossing an orange from the fruit basket to himself
Absolutely not, Your Majesty! Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.

KING
How fascinating! Erm, what is that, exactly?

EDMUND
They will never find a man to behead you. They’d have hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell’s head off — he’s such an ugly devil. He’s got so many warts on his face that it’s only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose. But they will never find a man to execute you.

KING
stands
Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic! You know, there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this. Oh, I don’t know … all they need is the initiative, somehow. I suppose, in a sense, that’s what my [Wolf?] Scheme is all about.

EDMUND
Really…

KING
Yes. On the other hand, of course, I don’t want my head cut off… Er, it’s a question of balance, isn’t it? like with so many things.

EDMUND
Shut up — with the greatest respect — Your Majesty.

KING
Thank you.

EDMUND
They will never find an executioner, and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.

There is a knock on the door. Edmund puts the cowl over his head as the guard enters with a message, giving it to Edmund.

GUARD
A message for the King.
exits

EDMUND
reads the message
Ah…
He drops his orange; it bounces back up as though hit by a tennis racket. He looks a bit confused, and casts his eyes downward.

Blackadder Hall. Baldrick is singing while chopping heads off fish.

BALDRICK
“There’s a tavern in the town — IN THE TOWN!”

EDMUND
For God’s sake, stop that, Baldrick! It’s bad enough having one’s life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.

BALDRICK
I’m sorry, sir — I can’t help it. See, I’ve just had a little windfall.

EDMUND
Baldrick, I’ve told you before: If you’re going to do that, go into the garden.

BALDRICK
No — I mean I’ve come into some money.

EDMUND
Really… Family inheritance?

BALDRICK
No. I ate that ages ago.

EDMUND
Oh yes, of course — your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.

BALDRICK
No, it was fifty pounds, actually; it was delicious. But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.

EDMUND
Not the first time that there’s been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.

BALDRICK
No… But this one is a job.

EDMUND
Really…
paying more attention to the message delivered in the previous scene
I just don’t understand it. Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?
He pauses, looks into the camera, and turns to Baldrick.
Baldrick…

BALDRICK
Yeah?

EDMUND
That little job that fell into your lap…

BALDRICK
Yes?

EDMUND
It wasn’t, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask, and the King of England…?

BALDRICK
Nah…

EDMUND
Go on.

BALDRICK
I couldn’t find a basket.

EDMUND
You very small total bastard!
grabs him and picks up the axe from the table

BALDRICK
Oh, please, sir! Don’t kill me! I have a cunning plan to save the King!

EDMUND
Well, you’ll forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your family’s record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O’Leg McNoleg’s personal best in the Market Harborough Marathon. All right… What’s the plan?
puts down axe

Baldrick picks up a pumpkin, and smiles.

EDMUND
A pumpkin is going to save the King…

BALDRICK
Aah!
puts down pumpkin
But, over here, I have one that I prepared earlier.
picks up another pumpkin — one with eyes, nose, moustache and beard painted on, and with a wig placed on top
I will balance it on the King’s head, like this.
demonstrates
Then, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin, and the King survives!

EDMUND
I’m not sure it’s going to work, Balders.

BALDRICK
Why not?

EDMUND
Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say, “This is the head of a traitor,” at which point, they will shout back, “No it’s not; it’s large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.”

BALDRICK
I suppose it’s not one hundred percent convincing.

EDMUND
It’s not one percent convincing, Baldrick. However, I’m a busy man, and I can’t be bothered to punch you at the moment.
he holds up his arm with his hand clenched
Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can.

Blackadder quote from the Cavalier Years

BALDRICK
Yes, sir.
He does so.

EDMUND
I just don’t understand it! What possessed you to take the job?

BALDRICK
Oh, I’m sorry, sir — it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan. I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking, and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.

EDMUND
Your head is as empty as a eunuch’s underpants. You’d do anything for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn’t you…

Your head is as empty as a Eunuch's underpants - Blackadder insults

BALDRICK
It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir — plus tip!
holds up bag of money

pause

EDMUND
takes bag
Well, I suppose somebody’s got to do it, hadn’t they! And if it’s going to be done, it’s got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe. We don’t want you hacking away at it all afternoon with that cheap pen-knife of yours. It would be so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like a fish’s gills.

BALDRICK
Sir, you don’t mean…?

EDMUND
Yep — I’m doing it. Lend me your costume, then go immediately to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him tomorrow.
points at Baldrick
And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.

The Tower of London

BALDRICK
…so that’s why he can’t be here. Sorry.
exits

KING
I see. Well, I quite understand, yes…

Cromwell and the executioner (Edmund, hooded) enter.

CROMWELL
Sir, the moment has arrived! Are you ready to meet your maker?

KING
Well, I’m always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life, but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries.

CROMWELL
Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and let’s get on with it.
exits

KING
Right.
He buzzes a bit, then slaps his hands together as though squashing a fly. Meanwhile, Edmund has closed the door behind Cromwell.
Well, I’m sorry, my friend, I’m alone here today — I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but, unfortunately, his wife’s sister’s puppy fell into the strawberry patch, so, naturally, he can’t be with us.

EDMUND
disguising his voice
Uh huh…

KING
All I can do is bid you do your duty well.

EDMUND
Well, thank you, Your Majesty. And may I say how much I mourn for your lot, and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.

KING
Thank you. I take great solace from that.

EDMUND
Sir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last. He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely…
turns up a palm

KING
Oh, I’m so sorry; I thought service was included. I beg your pardon.
reaches in a bag of money
Um, here you are.
places a coin in Edmund’s palm

EDMUND
looks at coin
Hmm. And then there was the Earle of Essex…

KING
Was there…

EDMUND
A truly great man — they still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.

KING
What ballad is that?

EDMUND
sings
“The Earle he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no!
He gave them all away to the man with the axe … oh!”

KING
looking at his bag
A thousand sovereigns?

EDMUND
Well, you can’t take it with you, Your Majesty…

KING
Very true. Well, there you are.
gives bag to Edmund
Do keep the change.

EDMUND
Thank you, Your Majesty.
puts coin back into bag, then his fake voice slips a little as he speaks
Right; should we go?

KING
Just a moment!
grabs Edmund’s arm
That voice has a strangely familiar ring … and so does that finger!
he removes the hood
Blackadder!

EDMUND
acts surprised
Hello, Your Majesty!

KING
You cunning swine!

EDMUND
Er, yes, well, er, er, er…

KING
Marvelous! Splendid! You duped Cromwell and you’ve concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to France!

EDMUND
as though he’d forgotten
Ah yes! That’s right, yes…

KING
So, let’s put your cunning plan into operation straight away!

EDMUND
Yes, let’s… Er… Well… You start the ball rolling.

KING
No, no — after you.

EDMUND
Er, yeah, right, yes…
thinks; remembers something
Er, oh yes! Yes, right! and it’s a very good plan! It’s a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan!

Ten Minutes Later

Edmund is hooded. Baldrick stands next to him. Cromwell enters.

CROMWELL
Is the King ready?

EDMUND
fake voice again
He is.
calls to the back of the room
Come, Your Majesty!

King walks forward. He has a hood over his head, and is balancing a pumpkin with a face drawn on it. Cromwell, King and Edmund exit. Baldrick listens to the goings on …

There is a drum roll. It ends with the sound of a chop. The crowd cheers. Baldrick smiles. The crowd suddenly sounds disappointed. Baldrick suddenly stops smiling. Voices are heard from outside:

EDMUND (vo)
This is the head of a traitor!

CROWD (vo)
No it’s not; it’s a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it!

EDMUND (vo)
Oh yes — so it is! Sorry! I’ll try again.

There is a drum roll. It ends with the sound of a chop. The crowd cheers.

Blackadder Hall. Edmund is cradling a baby boy.

BALDRICK
Well, sir, they can’t say you didn’t try. Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, in the person of this infant prince. And, with the money you’ve earned, you and he can escape to France.

EDMUND
wiping a hand on his shirt with disgust
Well, quite.

BALDRICK
On the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist, the Roundheads will come and cut your head off.

EDMUND
stands
Exactly, Baldrick!

There is a pounding on the door.

EDMUND
Oh my god!

A voice outside shouts:

ROUNDHEAD (vo)
Do you want the house burned?

BALDRICK
Oh no! We’re surrounded! What’ll we do?

EDMUND
Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his…
looks at baby
…future sovereign.

More pounding on the door.

EDMUND
Fortunately, I’m not a man of honour.
tosses baby to Baldrick; pulls off his long black hair to reveal short blond hair; removes his moustache and beard

A Roundhead breaks in and enters.

EDMUND
to Roundhead
Thank God you’ve come!
points at Baldrick
Seize the royalist scum!!!

The Roundhead, sword drawn, approaches Baldrick, who looks hopeless, dangling the baby from its swaddling clothes.

Blackadder Pilot Episode – The unaired pilot episode of Blackadder

The Blackadder Pilot episode

The Blackadder pilot episode was titled ‘The Black Adder’, and was filmed on 20 June 1982, Blackadder fans will note that the character of Blackadder is similar to the second series rather than the first.

The Blackadder unaired pilot episode

Blackadder Pilot Episode

First off, if you really wanted to look at the Blackadder episode WITH a pilot, you should check here – Blackadder Private Plane full script! This short post is about the unaired Blackadder pilot episode known as ‘The Black Adder’. Have you seen or even heard of it before?

The Black Adder pilot episode

This pilot episode of Blackadder was never broadcast in the UK, and it looks unlikely it ever will be. Apparently, the original tapes were badly damaged in storage, and deemed unfit for broadcast. From time to time, they are published on YouTube, but then quickly taken down again. There are also bootlegs on various torrent sites (allegedly!).

What’s it all about then?

A look at the episode:

The episode opens with this –

“It is Europe, 400 years ago. In Spain War rages, as Christians from every land fight off the threatening terror of Turkish invasion. The French… are in uneasy peace. But in England, under the tutelage of a powerful King, the Ship of State ploughs a steady course as the Court awaits the Queen’s birthday and the return of a Scottish Hero from the War…….”

The plot for the pilot episode of Blackadder is very similar to the second episode of the first series. There are two main differences. Firstly, Baldrick is played by Philip Fox and not by Tony Robinson. Secondly, Blackadder is much similar in characteristics to the Edmund we know and love from the second series, rather than the weasel from the first!

The Blackadder Pilot episode

There is also another VERY important Blackadder trivia fact. The Blackadder pilot episode was the first in which the words ‘I have a cunning plan‘ were used.

Quotes from the Blackadder Pilot Episode

These are the best quotes from the pilot episode. You will no doubt recognise these from later series!

Harry, Prince of Wales: Now, I’m afraid there is going to have to be a certain amount of… violence. But bare in mind, it’s all for a good cause!

The Laird of Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles: Baldrick, that is the worst plan since Olav the Viking ordered 20.000 helmets with the horns on the inside.

Prince Edmund: These letters are dated November and December 1523. Which, Henry, in relation to your date of birth, is precisely nine months bef…

[pauses, horrified, realising his mistake]

Prince Henry: After I was born!

The King: But about nine months before your birth, Edmund.

Prince Edmund: [to McAngus] You stupid bastard!

Prince Henry: No, I think you’re the bastard, Edmund.

Yes, we need something more cunning.

I have a cunning plan.

Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.

Mine’s pretty cunning, my lord.

Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.

Well, it depends how cunning you mean, sir.

Well, I mean pretty damn cunning, how cunning do you think I mean?

Mine’s quite cunning, my lord.

All right then, let’s hear it, let’s hear what is so damn cunning.

Well my lord, first you ask him to come with you.

Oh yes, very cunning, brilliantly cunning, I ask him to come with me, and then, and then stab him perhaps. How cunning can you get?

Additional note – The family coat of arms shown in the final shot shows this:

Veni Vidi Castratavi Illegitimos.

A rough translation turns it into:
I came, I saw, I castrated the bastards!

Cast of Blackadder Pilot Episode

The cast and crew of the Blackadder pilot episode

Additional notes – We are working on getting a full script together for the pilot episode of Blackadder. We would also love to know if you have seen any video online we can link to.

Blackadder : The Cavalier Years Full Script Blackadder Special

Blackadder Cavalier Years Full Script

This is the full script for Blackadder: The Cavalier Years. It was a 15-minute special set during the English Civil War, and shown as part of Comic Relief.

Blackadder Cavalier Years Full Script

Blackadder – The Cavalier Years Full Script

 

Cast

  • Sir Edmund Blackadder – ROWAN ATKINSON
  • Baldrick – TONY ROBINSON
  • King Charles I – STEPHEN FRY
  • Oliver Cromwell – WARREN CLARKE

*****

Narrator:  In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell
	   & his Roundheads.  Only two men remained faithful, risking certain
	   death by their fidelity to the crown.  One was the sole descendent
	   of a great historical English dynasty -- his name, Sir Edmund
	   Blackadder.  The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate
	   meeting between a pig-farmer & bearded lady.  History has, quite
	   rightly, forgotten his name.
 
 
	[Blackadder Hall; November 1648]
 
Edmund:  [coming into the hall (same set as Blackadder's quarters in BA3)]
	 Baldrick!
 
Baldrick:  [cutting heads off fish]  Yes, sir?
 
Edmund:  [throws his hat down; rubs his hands together]  Get me some mulled
	 ale, will you?  I'm freezing.
 
Baldrick:  How's the King, sir?
 
Edmund:  Erm, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's
	 spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.
 
Baldrick:  [dropping spices into an ale goblet]  Do you think the Roundheads
	   will find him?  [gives ale goblet to Edmund]
 
Edmund:  Certainly not.  I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught
	 as fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
	 [drinks]
 
Baldrick:  [challengingly]  Is that true?
 
Edmund:  Yes, of course it's true.  Have you ever known me to lie to the
King?
 
Baldrick:  Yes.
 
	[Edmund quickly puts down his ale, grabs Baldrick from across the
	 table, picks up a knife and holds it to him.]
 
Baldrick:  No.
 
Edmund:  Exactly.  He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth
	 shut.
 
Baldrick:  You can trust me, sir.
 
Edmund:  [laughs; lets go; puts down knife]  Right, Baldrick; I'm off to
	 answer the call of nature.  [heads for stairs]  If, by any freak
	 chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next
	 ninety seconds, remember: [points at Baldrick from the top of the
	 stairs; speaks insistently] The King is not hiding here.
 
Baldrick:  Yes, sir.  [goes back to chopping fish heads; begins to sing]
	   "Greensleeves is--"
 
	[Oliver Cromwell drops in.  He is accompanied by a Roundhead.]
 
Cromwell:  Good evening, citizen!  I am Oliver Cromwell.  My men have
	   surrounded your house, and I am looking for royalist scum.
	   [draws his sword; points it at Baldrick]  Is the King hiding here?
 
Baldrick:  Erm...  [thinks ... thinks ... thinks ...]  No.
 
Cromwell:  [points sword up to Baldrick's throat]  On pain of death and
	   damnation, are you absolutely sure?
 
Baldrick:  Yes, I am.
 
Cromwell:  I see.  [sheaths sword]  Well then, my proud beauty [puts his hand
	   behind Baldrick's head], you won't mind if my men come in from the
	   cold, will you...
 
Roundhead:  [shouts out the door]  Men! Come in from the cold, will you!
 
Cromwell:  [picks up a purple cup and the milk jug]  Now; we shall all have
	   a cup of milk by your fireside.
 
Baldrick:  All right, but don't touch the purple cup.
 
Cromwell:  Why not?
 
Baldrick:  That's the King's.
 
 
	[Two Weeks Later.  The Tower of London.]
 
	[King Charles is praying at the foot of the bed.  The door opens, and
	 he stands and turns as Cromwell and a guard enter.]
 
Cromwell:  [to guard]  Thank you, citizen.  You may leave me alone with
	   King Charles.
 
	[The guard bows and exits.]
 
King:  Ah, Mr Cromwell! How delightful to see you again.  [shakes Cromwell's
       hand]  Um, [don't get up?].  Tell me: Er, have you come far?
 
Cromwell:  I have, sir! from country squire to Lord Protector of England!
 
King:  Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating.  Erm, tell me: Er, what exactly
       does a Lord Protector do, as it were?
 
Cromwell:  He spells your doom, sir!
 
King:  He spells my doom?  Wonderful!  Well, that's particularly exciting,
       because so many people these days can't spell at all! er,
particularly,
       as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.
 
Cromwell:  Pretty speech, sir! But all your fine words won't save you from 
	   the scaffold!
 
	[A cowled priest has entered]
 
King:  [to Cromwell]  Jolly good!  Fascinating!  Carry on...
 
Cromwell:  A priest, sir, to help you make your peace with God before you
die!
	   [exits]
 
King:  [to priest]  Ah, hello!
 
Edmund:  [for the priest is he]  Your Majesty, I can arrange for certain
	 monies to be paid, to allow you to escape.  [removes cowl]
 
King:  Blackadder!  You're dressed as a priest! How dangerous and stupid
       and perverted!  It's just like school!  [mumbles something]
 
Edmund:  Sire, this is a matter of life and death.
 
King:  Nonsense, Blackadder -- I don't think there's a jury in England that
       would bring in a verdict of `guilty' against >me<.
 
	[There's a knock on the door, and the guard returns, delivering
	 a piece of paper to Edmund.]
 
Guard:  Your Majesty -- the verdict of the jury.  [exits]
 
King:  So, what does it say? Er, `Guilty', or `Not Guilty'?
 
Edmund:  [looks at it]  I'll give you two guesses.
 
King:  Er, `Not Guilty'?
 
Edmund:  One more guess.
 
 
	[Blackadder Hall.  Baldrick is holding a fish in his right hand, and
	 whacking at its head with a wooden rod.  He then puts the rod down
	 and inserts a knife down the fish's `neck'.  Edmund enters.]
 
Edmund:  Oh, damn -- one measly civil war in the entire history of England,
	 and I'm on the wrong bloody side!
 
Baldrick:  Something wrong, sir?
 
Edmund:  Yes, Baldrick, yes, there is.  Don't you realise that, if the King
	 dies, we royalists are doomed?  We will enter a hideous age of
	 puritanism -- they'll close all the theatres; lace handkerchiefs
	 for men will be illegal; and I won't be able to find a friendly
	 face to sit on this side of Boulogne.  If they so much as suspect
	 our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the
	 chop.
 
Baldrick:  Ooh, I love chops...
 
Edmund:  Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock
	 fish-beast of Aberdeen.
 
Baldrick:  In what way?
 
Edmund:  It doesn't exist.  Oh god, what are we going to do?
 
Baldrick:  Don't despair, sir -- something will pop up.
 
Edmund:  Not under puritanism, it won't.  We must do something, otherwise
	 the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.
 
Baldrick:  What ant?
 
Edmund:  [picks up a meat tenderiser, bangs it against the table, then holds
	  up the tenderiser for Baldrick to see]  That one.
 
 
	[January 30th.  The day of the Execution of King Charles the First.]
 
	[The Tower of London.  King Charles sits on the bed.]
 
King:  So this is the day of the execution of Charles the First...
 
Edmund:  [tossing an orange from the fruit basket to himself]  Absolutely
not,
	 Your Majesty!  Those Roundhead traitors have one final hurdle that
	 they will never straddle.
 
King:  How fascinating!  Erm, what is that, exactly?
 
Edmund:  They will never find a man to behead you.  They'd have hundreds of
	 volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off -- he's such an ugly devil.
	 He's got so many warts on his face that it's only when he sneezes
	 that you find out which one is his nose.  But they will never find
	 a man to execute you.
 
King:  [stands]  Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic!  You know,
       there are so many young people who would leap at a chance like this.
       Oh, I don't know ... all they need is the initiative, somehow.
       I suppose, in a sense, that's what my [?] Scheme is all about.
 
Edmund:  Really...
 
King:  Yes.  On the other hand, of course, I don't >want< my head cut off...
       Er, it's a question of balance, isn't it? like with so many things.
 
Edmund:  Shut up -- with the greatest respect -- Your Majesty.
 
King:  Thank you.
 
Edmund:  They will never find an executioner, and if they do, may my
	 conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.
 
	[There is a knock on the door.  Edmund puts the cowl over his head
	 as the guard enters with a message, giving it to Edmund.]
 
Guard:  A message for the King.  [leaves]
 
Edmund:  [reads the message]  Ah...  [He drops his orange; it bounces back up
         as though hit by a tennis racket.  He looks a bit confused, and
casts
	 his eyes downward.]
 
 
	[Blackadder Hall.  Baldrick is singing while chopping heads off fish.]
 
Baldrick:  "There's a tavern in the town -- IN THE TOWN!"
 
Edmund:  For God's sake, stop that, Baldrick!  It's bad enough having one's
	 life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the
	 entertainment value of tap-dancing oyster.
 
Baldrick:  I'm sorry, sir -- I can't help it.  See, I've just had a little
	   windfall.
 
Edmund:  Baldrick, I've told you before: If you're going to do that, go into
	 the garden.
 
Baldrick:  No -- I mean I've come into some money.
 
Edmund:  Really... Family inheritance?
 
Baldrick:  No.  I ate that ages ago.
 
Edmund:  Oh yes, of course; your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
 
Baldrick:  No, it was fifty pounds, actually -- it was delicious.  But this
	   is just a little something that fell in my lap.
 
Edmund:  Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap,
	 Baldrick.
 
Baldrick:  No... But this one is a job.
 
Edmund:  Really...  [paying more attention to the message delivered in the
	 previous scene]  I just don't understand it.  Where on Earth did
	 they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and
	 degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England?
 
	 [He pauses, looks into the camera, and turns to Baldrick.]
 
	 Baldrick...
 
Baldrick:  Yeah?
 
Edmund:  That little job that fell into your lap...
 
Baldrick:  Yes?
 
Edmund:  It wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket,
	 a little black mask, and the King of England...?
 
Baldrick:  Nah...
 
Edmund:  Go on.
 
Baldrick:  I couldn't find a basket...
 
Edmund:  You very small total bastard!  [grabs him and picks up the axe from
	 the table]
 
Baldrick:  Oh, please, sir! Don't kill me!  I have a cunning plan to save
	   the King!
 
Edmund:  Well, you'll forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy -- your
	 family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as
	 impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNoleg's personal best in the Market
	 Harbour Marathon.  All right... What's the plan?  [puts down axe]
 
	[Baldrick picks up a pumpkin, and smiles.]
 
Edmund:  A pumpkin is going to save the King...
 
Baldrick:  Aah!  [puts down pumpkin]  But, over here, I have one that I
	   prepared earlier.  [picks up another pumpkin; one with eyes, nose,
	   moustache and beard painted on, and with some hair placed on top]
	   I will balance it on the King's head, like this.  [demonstrating]
	   Then, I will cover his real head with a cloak, and then, when I
	   execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off
	   the pumpkin, and the King survives!
 
Edmund:  I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders.
 
Baldrick:  Why not?
 
Edmund:  Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the
	 crowd and say, "This is the head of a traitor," at which point, they
	 will shout back, "No it's not -- it's large pumpkin with a pathetic
	 moustache drawn on it."
 
Baldrick:  I suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.
 
Edmund:  It's not >one< percent convincing, Baldrick.  However, I'm a busy
	 man, and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.  [he holds
	 his arm up with his hand clenched]  Here is my fist.  Kindly run
	 towards it as fast as you can.
 
Baldrick:  Yes, sir.  [He does so.]
 
Edmund:  I just don't understand it!  What possessed you to take the job?
 
Baldrick:  Oh, I'm sorry, sir -- it was just a wild, silly, foolish plan.
	   I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could
	   sneak out and buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking, and
	   pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.

Blackadder Quote from Blackadder The Cavalier Years
 
Edmund:  Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants.  You'd do anything
	 for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn't you...
 
Baldrick:  It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir -- plus tip!  [holds up
	   bag of money]
 
	[pause]
 
Edmund:  [takes bag]  Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, hadn't they!
	 And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke
	 by someone who actually owns an axe.  We don't want you hacking away
	 at it all afternoon with that cheap pen-knife of yours.  It would be
	 so embarrassing to have King Charles staggering around Hampton Court
	 tomorrow morning with his neck flapping like a fish's gills.
 
Baldrick:  Sir, you don't mean...?
 
Edmund:  Yep -- >I'm< doing it.  Lend me your costume, then go immediately
	 to the King and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be
	 with him tomorrow.  [points at Baldrick]  And make sure you think
	 up a bloody good excuse.
 
 
	[The Tower of London]
 
Baldrick:  ...so that's why he can't be here.  Sorry.  [leaves]
 
King:  I see.  Well, I quite understand, yes...
 
	[Cromwell and the executioner (Edmund, hooded) enter.]
 
Cromwell:  Sir, the moment has arrived!  Are you ready to meet your maker?
 
King:  Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks
       of life, but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries...
 
Cromwell:  Well then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner, and
	   let's get on with it.  [leaves]
 
King:  Right.  [He buzzes a bit, then slaps his hands together as though
		squashing a fly.  Meanwhile, Edmund has closed the door
		behind Cromwell.]
       Well, I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today -- I had hoped that
       my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me,
       but, unfortunately, his wife's sister's puppy fell into the straw-
       berry patch, so, naturally, he can't be with us.
 
Edmund:  [disguising his voice]  Uh huh...
 
King:  All I can do is bid you do your duty well.
 
Edmund:  Well, thank you, Your Majesty.  And may I say how much I mourn for
	 your lot, and bid you remember others before you who have died
	 unjustly...
 
King:  Thank you.  I take great solace from that.
 
Edmund:  Sir Thomas More, for instance: A great, generous man to the last.
	 He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely...  [turns up a
	 palm]
 
King:  Oh, I'm so sorry -- I thought service was included.  I beg your
pardon.
       [reaches in a bag of money]  Um, here you are.  [places a coin in
       Edmund's palm]
 
Edmund:  [looks at coin]  Hmm.  And then there was the Earl of Essex...
 
King:  Was there...
 
Edmund:  A truly great man -- they still sing his famous ballad down the
	 [Chepstow Arms?].
 
King:  What ballad is that?
 
Edmund:  [sings]  "The Earl he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no!
		   He gave them all away to the man with the axe ... oh!"
 
King:  [looking at his bag]  A thousand sovereigns?
 
Edmund:  Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty...
 
King:  Very true.  Well, there you are.  [gives bag to Edmund]  Do keep the
       change.
 
Edmund:  Thank you, Your Majesty.  [puts coin back into bag]
	 [fake voice slips a bit]  Right; should we go?
 
King:  Just a moment!  [stops Edmund from leaving]  That voice has
       a strangely familiar ring ... and so does that finger!  [he removes
       the hood]  Blackadder!
 
Edmund:  [acts surprised]  Hello, Your Majesty!
 
King:  You cunning swine!
 
Edmund:  Er, yes, well, er, er, er...
 
King:  Marvelous! Splendid!  You duped Cromwell and you've concocted a
cunning
       plan to help me and my infant son escape to France!
 
Edmund:  [as though he'd forgotten]  Ah yes! That's right, yes...
 
King:  So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away!
 
Edmund:  Yes, let's...  Er...  Well...  You start the ball rolling.
 
King:  No, no -- after you.
 
Edmund:  Er, yeah, right, yes...  [thinks; remembers something]  Er, oh yes!
	 Yes, right! and it's a very good plan!  It's a staggering, bowel-
	 shatteringly good plan!
 
 
	[Ten Minutes Later]
 
	[Edmund is hooded.  Baldrick stands next to him.  Cromwell enters.]
 
Cromwell:  Is the King ready?
 
Edmund:  [fake voice again]  He is.  [calls to the back of the room]
	 Come, Your Majesty!
 
	[King walks forward.  He has a hood over his head, and is balancing
	 a pumpkin with a face drawn on it.  Cromwell, King and Edmund
	 leave.  Baldrick listens to the goings on ... ]
 
	[There is a drum roll.  It ends with the sound of a chop.
	 The crowd cheers.  Baldrick smiles.  The crowd suddenly sounds
	 disappointed.  Baldrick suddenly stops smiling.]
 
(from outside)
Edmund:  This is the head of a traitor!
 
Crowd:  No it's not -- it's a huge pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn
	on it!
 
Edmund:  Oh yes -- so it is!  Sorry!  I'll try again.
 
	[There is a drum roll.  In ends with the sound of a chop.
	 The crowd cheers.]
 
 
	[Blackadder Hall.  Edmund is cradling a baby boy.]
 
Baldrick:  Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try.  Now the future of
	   the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms, in the
	   person of this infant prince.  And, with the money you've earned,
	   you and he can escape to France.
 
Edmund:  [wiping a hand on his shirt]  Well, quite.
 
Baldrick:  On the other hand, you can stay here, and, as a known loyalist,
	   the Roundheads will come and cut your head off.
 
Edmund:  [stands]  Exactly, Baldrick!
 
	[There is a pounding on the door.]
 
Edmund:  Oh my god!
 
	[A voice outside shouts. (Sounds like "Do you want the house burned?")]
 
Baldrick:  Oh no! We're surrounded!  What'll we do?
 
Edmund:  Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man
	 of honour.  He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his
	 [looks at baby] future sovereign.
 
	[More pounding on the door.]
 
Edmund:  Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour...  [tosses baby to Baldrick;
	 pulls off his long black hair to reveal short blond hair; removes his
	 moustache and beard, too]
 
	[a Roundhead breaks in and enters.]
 
Edmund:  [to Roundhead]  Thank God you've come!  [points at Baldrick]
	 Seize the royalist scum!!!
 
	[The Roundhead, sword drawn, approaches Baldrick, who looks hopeless,
	 dangling the baby from its swaddling clothes.]

 

How many of these Blackadder Specials have you seen?

Blackadder Specials

There are a number of Blackadder specials which accompany the TV series. They expand the Blackadder universe, sometimes linking with a previous series, sometimes giving a tantalising glimpse to Blackadder TV series that never were.
Blackadder Specials

Blackadder Specials

Over the years, there have been many Blackadder specials. Some of them, such as sketches for charity shows are only a few minutes long. Others, were longer, stand alone episodes. There are three main stand alone Blackadder specials, listed below.

Blackadder – The Cavalier Years


This Blackadder special, is just 15 minutes long, and is set during the English Civil War. Filmed for the Comic Relief Red Nose Day, it was broadcast on Friday 5 February 1988. Sir Edmund Blackadder and Baldrick, try to assist and save the defeated King Charles I of England.
Blackadder Specials - The Cavalier Years

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol has taken on a status as reverential as the original Christmas Carol on which it is loosely based. Unusually, Blackadder, or Ebenezer Blackadder as he is called in this special, is the total opposite from his normally selfish and conniving self. In fact, he is described as the “kindest and loveliest” man in England.

Picture the Christmas carol in reverse, and you get a good idea as to the direction this Blackadder Christmas Special takes!
stomach cramps

Blackadder: Back and Forth

This Blackadder special is a tale of time-travelling fun, filmed for the millennium. After planning to fool his friends with a fake time machine, Blackadder and Baldrick find out that by a bizarre set of circumstances, it actually works! Look here for more information on Blackadder Back and Forth.

Other Blackadder Short Sketches

Blackadder and the King’s Birthday

A short sketch performed at the Prince of Wales’ 50th Birthday Gala. It featured Rowan Atkinson as Lord Blackadder and Stephen Fry as King Charles II, and was televised on ITV (in the UK) on 14 November 1998.

Blackadder: The Army Years

A short monologue performed at the Dominion Theatre for the Royal Variety Performance 2000. It features Rowan Atkinson as the modern-day Lord Edmund Blackadder of Her Royal Highness’s regiment of Shirkers. The sketch was written and introduced by Ben Elton, who was the compère of the evening.

Children in Need

Terry Wogan interviews Blackadder and Baldrick, both of which appear and behave as they are in series 3, with Blackadder insulting both Baldrick and Terry Wogan. This special cameo was done during a TV appeal for Children in Need.

Blackadder and the Banking Crisis

A new Blackadder sketch about the banking crisis, performed at a special charity gala event “We Are Most Amused” in aid of the Prince’s Trust. Sir Edmund Blackadder is the chief executive of the Melchett, Melchett & Darling bank, who brings his gardener Sodoff Baldrick to an enquiry

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol – Full Script

Blackadder's Christmas carol - Future

Blackadder’s Christmas Carol is now a firm Christmas TV viewing favourite with UK and worldwide audiences. Taking the traditional Dickens story, and giving it a Blackadder twist, the moral of Christmas still comes through. Kind of! The complete Blackadder’s Christmas Carol full script is below.
Blackadder's Christmas Carol Full Script

Full Script for Blackadder’s Christmas Carol

A Blackadder Christmas Carol

Narrator: In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood, in Dumpling Lane in old London towne, the Moustache Shoppe of one Ebeneezer Blackadder — the kindest and loveliest man in all England.

[opening theme] He’s kind and gen’rous to the sick He’d never spread a nasty rumour He never gets on people’s wick And doesn’t laugh at toilet humour Blackadder! Blackadder! He’s sickeningly good Blackadder! Blackadder! As nice as Christmas pud.

[as this is sung, we see a man merrily enjoying some carolers, and nicking something from their donation bin (I think that’s what it is, at least); also, a boy wanders through the streets, picking pockets]

[Scene: inside the Moustache Shoppe. Baldrick is dusting off a mustache which is on a stand.]

Ebeneezer: [from outside the main door] Humbug! Humbug! [enters, holding a bag of candies] [holds out the bag, in offering] Humbug, Mr Baldrick?

Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much. [takes one]

Ebeneezer: Well, I’ve got all the presents…

Baldrick: …and I’ve nearly finished the Christmas cards.

Ebeneezer: [taking off his tall hat] Oh, splendid! Let me see… [opens up a card he has picked up from the desk] “A Very Messy Christmas.” I’m sorry, Mr Baldrick — shouldn’t that be ‘merry’?

Baldrick: “A Merry Messy Christmas”? All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy — messy cake; soggy pudding; great big wet kisses under the mistletoe…

Ebeneezer: Yes… [going to hang up his coat and scarf] I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you’re likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas — or, indeed, any other time — is to make a pass at a water closet. However, be that as it may… [Baldrick gives him the card again] “A Merry Messy Christmas.” ‘Christmas’ as an H in it, Mr Baldrick.

Baldrick: Oh…

Ebeneezer: …and an R. Also an I, and an S. Also T and M and A… …and another S. Oh, and you’ve missed out the C at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr Baldrick! Something of a triumph, I think — you must be the first person ever to spell ‘Christmas’ without getting any of the letters right at all. [He takes the bag of presents he brought from outside into the back room.]

Baldrick: [following Ebenezer] Well, I was a bit rushed. I’ve been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.

Ebeneezer: Oh, of course! How did it go?

Baldrick: Well, not very well — at the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear! This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children’s theatre. What did you do?

Baldrick: Got another Jesus.

Ebeneezer: Oh, thank goodness. …and his name?

Baldrick: ‘Spot’. There weren’t any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear… [moving toward and eventually sitting on a chair near the fireplace] I’m not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was “Woof.”

Baldrick: [as Ebenezer removes his shoes] Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we hadn’t been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool–

Ebeneezer: …on some other dogs.

Baldrick: Yeah… and the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he’s away! While the angel’s singing “Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Mankind,” Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride!

Ebeneezer: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren’t the children upset?

Baldrick: Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter — they want to see us nail up the dog.

Ebeneezer: Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.

[Scene changes to a room in Buckingham Palace. Queen Victoria enters, followed by the chair-bearer (what’s the proper name for such an individual?), and approaches Prince Albert, who is wrapping something. He speaks with a ridiculous accent.]

Victoria: [knowing that Albert’s wrapping a present for her] What are you doing, Albert?

Albert: [hiding something] Nothing…

Victoria: Oh yes you are, you naughty German sausage! [sits] Tell me what you’re doing…

Albert: I just said; I’m not doing anything! Really, woman — when you’re busy ruling India, you don’t tell me what >you< are doing… So why should I tell you what >I< am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your surprise Christmas present? Damn… Now I have only two surprise presents for you…

Victoria: Oh, dear Alby, don’t worry — I don’t mind.

Albert: I >do<… I love surprises. [Hugs her, resting his head against her bosom; she enjoys it very much] Christmas without surprises is like the nuts without a nutcrack. [has a realisation, rushes to the tree, and begins unwrapping something] …which is why I have bought you this surprise nutcracker — Damn… Damn…

Victoria: Oh, darling Bobo, don’t worry. [stands] Besides, haven’t you forgotten something?

Albert: What

Victoria: Our traditional Christmas adventure!

Albert: Oh, yes! Of course! The traditional Christmas adventure! Huzzah!!! …>what< traditional Christmas adventure?

Victoria: You silly soldier! You know: when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good…

Albert: Oh, yes! Of course! Dummkopf! [stands] How could I forget? [he shouts something in German] [He reaches down, to pick up something and starts unwrapping it.] For it is for precisely such an outing as this that I have bought you my finest surprise present: this muff which I am going to give you tomorrow — Damn… Damn… Damn… [As he falls to his knees, Victoria pushes his face into her bosom.]

[Scene changes back to Ebeneezer’s living room. He and Baldrick have just finished setting things on the table.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, excellent, excellent. What a splendid spread: nuts, turkey and presents. What more could a man desire at Christmas?

Baldrick: Well, a tree…

Ebeneezer: Oh, of course — I’d quite forgot. [he heads to the front, shop room] I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle’s Garden Emporium, and, I think you’ll agree, got quite a bargain [he opens the front door and steps out to fetch something] on this special Christmas Twig. [steps back in, closes the front door]

Baldrick: It’s a bit of a tiddler, ain’t it?

Ebeneezer: Yes, but size isn’t important, my friend; it’s not what you’ve got — it’s where you stick it. [sticks the twig into an empty candle stand] Besides, look: we’ve got a whole year’s profits to spend on fun and larks!

Baldrick: How much is it?

Ebeneezer: Seventeen pounds and a penny.

Baldrick: It’d be a lot more if you didn’t give away so much money to the poor.

Ebeneezer: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life we are rich indeed.

Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren’t doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.

    [The doorbell rings.]

Ebeneezer: Well, bless my ten toes! Who could that be on this cold night?

    [Baldrick opens the door. Mrs Scratchit enters, carrying a basket.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve.

Scratchit: [crying] Oh, Mr Blackadder!!! How can I be merry when we are so poor we shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day? except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenail… No goose for Tiny Tom this year!!!

Ebeneezer: Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and he’s built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop. [this is all said in the nicest way possible]

    [Scratchit bawls]

Ebeneezer: [As he walks around the counter] Oh, pardon me, but, look, look, there must be something we can do… [points inside her basket] Ah! That box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need. How much did they cost?

Scratchit: [holding up the box, suddenly not crying] A quid a match.

Ebeneezer: Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts…

    [Scratchit puts on her crying act again]

Ebeneezer: [rushing round the counter] …oh, but, but it’s Christmas Eve, so here: take ten pounds.

Scratchit: So you don’t want all the matches, then — there’s seventeen of them!

Ebeneezer: Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius! Here: seventeen pounds, then.

Scratchit: [quite happy, speaking rather like having completed a swindle that she has done many times before] Lovely! [leaves]

Ebeneezer: [calls after her] …and my best wishes to your massive offspring!

    [Baldrick closes the door]

Baldrick: So: we had seventeen pound and a penny, and we’ve given Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds, so that leaves…

Ebeneezer: [sighs, holding up the penny] Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick; seventeen pounds and a penny minus seventeen pounds leaves…?

Baldrick: [looks at the penny while thinking, then speaks with confidence] Thirty-eight pounds, eight shillings, fourpence!

Ebeneezer: Not bad, Mr Baldrick. The answer is in fact a splendid shining penny.

    [The door opens; a boy steps in and speaks]

Boy: Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slackbladder — I mean Blackadder!

Ebeneezer: [approaching] Ah! and to you, young urchin!

Boy: A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker — I mean sir?

Ebeneezer: [looks at his penny, knowing it’s all he has] Erm, well…

    [Boy fakes a tantrum]

Ebeneezer: Well, certainly! Here! [tosses penny over]

    [Boy catches it and immediately runs off]

Ebeneezer: [steps out, calling after Boy] Er, going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother?

Boy: Nah, sod that — I’m off to the gin shop.

Ebeneezer: [returning inside] Che! They grow up so fast these days, bless ’em. Oh well — another year without profit! Still, it >is< Christmas, and let us remember, Mr Baldrick [he takes the candle stand which holds the twig, and returns to the back room], that, be we as stony as a biblical execution, it is still the season of good cheer, and we have all our Christmas treats: nuts, turkey and presents.

    [A ghastly high-pitched cackle pierces the air.]

Ebeneezer: [looking out the back window] Oh! and my God-daughter, Millicent! [he takes picks up a pair of ear muffs] Er, secure the ornaments, Mr Baldrick [he puts the ear muffs on], and let her in. [while Baldrick is gone, he speaks to himself] So, we’ll put all our presents under our little tree: A scarf for me, a pair of gloves for Mr Baldrick, and a hat for Millicent.

    [Millicent cackles as she enters. Baldrick comes in a short while later, with handkerchiefs stuffed in his ears.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, Millicent! To what do I owe this excellent pleasure?

Millicent: Oh, I just thought I pop round, you know, just on the off chance. Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents…

Ebeneezer: It is indeed, and, look: [picks up the hat] a lovely hat for my dear God-daughter.

Millicent: [quickly snatching it from his hands] Oh, thanks. [looks at the items still on the table] Oh! and look: [picking up things as she mentions them] a scarf and a pair of gloves to match! Well, that’s not bad, I suppose. [cackles]

Ebeneezer: [making sure his earmuffs remain in place] Yes, jolly good.

Millicent: I’m sorry I can’t stop. I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at >lunchtime<…

Ebeneezer: Oh, what a splendid idea!

Millicent: It’ll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend — so cook a couple of extra turkeys! Thanks for all the prezzies…

Baldrick: [sarcastic] Why don’t you take the flipping tree?

Millicent: [taking it] Oh, you >are< sweet!!! [turns to leave] Thanks… [cackles as she leaves]

Ebeneezer: Bye! [removing the earmuffs] My, what a jolly young girl.

Baldrick: Yeah — pity she nicked all the presents.

Ebeneezer: Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoilt enough with the turkey and [picking up a bowl of nuts] this mountain of nuts we have.

    [The doorbell rings.]

Ebeneezer: Well, peel my tangerines! This >is< [?]!

    [In the front room, Beadle enters, followed by three extremely fat orphan boys, whom he warns to stay behind him and not push.]

Ebeneezer: [from the back room] Ah, Beadle! Charmed, honoured, and lovelied in every possible way!

    [Baldrick hides the turkey in his coat as Beadle and the orphans enter the back room.]

Beadle: [to the shoving orphans, who all are trying to fit into the room] Get back! [to Ebenezer] Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir. Peace on Earth, and fat tums to all men.

Ebeneezer: Well, indeed, indeed… and what of your little orphan charges?

Beadle: Well, I don’t think I charges them enough, as a matter of fact. Luckily, you’re here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder. They’re looking forward to coming tomorrow, perhaps bringing a little surprise for you…

Ebeneezer: Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Mr Blackadder’…

Beadle: Not for me to say, sir. All I can say is that it’s Christmas as usual, except, sadly, we’ve managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day… [he and the orphans all lean toward the bowl of nuts. Baldrick, behind the orphans, jumps up and down trying to see.]

Ebeneezer: Oh, well, what luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Here: help yourselves. [the orphans all prepare to grab them]

Beadle: [stopping them] No, sir! No, sir, I couldn’t possibly take them from you! Absolutely not! [picks up the bowl] Is this all, is it?

Ebeneezer: Yes…

Beadle: Well, it’ll have to do, then! [gives bowl to orphans, who scramble hungrily around it] See you tomorrow! [laughs as he and orphans leave]

Ebeneezer: Well, what a jolly fellow!

Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me.

Ebeneezer: Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn’t judge people from outward appearances. Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and, inside, you’ll probably find a–

Baldrick: …>thin< git. Here; those orphans were a bit fat, too.

Ebeneezer: Well, there’s some truth there. [goes to sit in fireside chair] Certainly, when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects for fear of bursting one of them and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies… But what of it? As long as they’re happy…

Baldrick: [removes turkey from his coat, puts it on table] Well, at least we’ve still got our turkey! [goes over to Ebenezer] And — who knows? — Christmas is a time for miracles, so, maybe, if we screw up our eyes really tight and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us… come on!

Ebeneezer: [complying, reluctantly] Oh, dear innocent Mr Baldrick…

    [After a short pause, the doorbell rings.]

Baldrick: See?

Ebeneezer: Well, baste my steaming puddings!

    [He and Baldrick go into the front room. Baldrick opens the door; Victoria and Albert are there, badly disguised. The chair bearer also is there (sans chair). Sappy “good-news” music plays.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, good evening, sir and madam.

Victoria: Good evening. We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve.

    [Baldrick smiles.]

Ebeneezer: Good heavens! [looks at Baldrick, rather stunned]

Albert: [not hiding his accent] …and we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity.

Ebeneezer: Oh, well, one tries…

Victoria: So, please…

Ebeneezer: Yes?

    [Sappy music stops suddenly.]

Victoria: Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door.

Ebeneezer: Ah, well, we’d love to oblige, but I’m afraid we haven’t anything to give.

Albert: Surely you must have something… What about a goose?

Victoria: [slightly turned on] Oh, >Albert<!

Baldrick: Well, we’ve only got a turkey, see…

Victoria: Oh, that sounds ideal!

Baldrick: [in a disappointed whine] Oh…

Ebeneezer: Well, there’s a bit of luck! Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey! [while Baldrick is fetching it, he makes idle conversation, and speaks to Albert] Er, I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from round here..

Albert: Ah, nein! [slowly, trying to enunciate] I am from…Glasgow.

Ebeneezer: Ah, a fine city! I love the Gorbals!

Albert: Ah… Yes… The Gorbals… I love them, too — a lovely couple; lots of fun.

Baldrick: [having returned, holds the turkey out to Albert] Bye bye, birdy…

Victoria: Very well done indeed. Good evening. [leaves]

Ebeneezer: Good evening…

Albert: [before he walks out] …and if I bump into Mr and Mrs Gorbal, I’ll give them your regards.

    [Ebeneezer returns to the back room. Baldrick is hanging a stocking from the fireplace. An unaccompanied violin plays the Blackadder theme slowly.]

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick; it looks as though we’re in for a bit of a thin Christmas…

Baldrick: Don’t you worry, Mr B — I’m hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney.

Ebeneezer: Mr Baldrick, I guarantee that if there’s one thing liable to stop Santa coming down the chimney, it’s your sock waiting for him at the end of it.

Baldrick: Well, if I don’t hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?

Ebeneezer: Mr Baldrick, if you >do< hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards of it! Don’t you have any other socks?

Baldrick: I’ve got one other… [raises a leg]

Ebeneezer: Oh, don’t worry about it, my dear fellow. Take one of mine from the linen cupboard. I’m off to bed — there’s nothing else to stay up for. Good night, Mr Baldrick.

Baldrick: ‘night ‘night. Oh! By the way — I forgot to mention: When you were out there… [the violin is now replaced with spooky noises] …there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying, “Beware! for, tonight, you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation!” [the spooky noises stop suddenly] I just thought I’d mention it. [spooky noises start up again] It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off. [noises stop again]

Baldrick in Blackadder's Xmas Carol

Ebeneezer: [chuckles] Oh, fine. Goodnight, Mr Baldrick. [he leaves into the stairway to his bedroom]

Baldrick: ‘night ‘night. [he goes to sleep in the chair]

[Scene changes to Ebenezer’s bedroom. He is lying in bed, and is woken by someone saying a spooky “Woo!” The door to the room falls in, as steam and green light comes through. Also coming through is a large bearded man holding his hands out, wiggling his fingers spookily, saying the “Woo!” He steps in and laughs deeply, and begins to thrust his arms about, then does more, quicker, “Woo!” noises, getting sillier. Eventually, Ebenezer, rather unfazed, speaks to the man (`Spirit’).]

Ebeneezer: Can I help?

Spirit: [speaks with Scottish dialect] No thanks, no, no no… I just popped in to say ‘hello’. [shakes Ebenezer’s hand] Spirit of Christmas; how do you do. Just doing my usual rounds, you know: a wee bit of haunting, getting misers to change their evil ways. But you’re obviously such a good chap [pats Ebenezer on the knee], there’ll be no need for any of that nonsense, so I’ll just say ‘cheery-bye’. Cheery-bye! [turns to leave]

Ebeneezer: Well, can I get you a cup of tea or anything?

Spirit: You wouldn’t have anything a wee bit more, er, medicinal…?

Ebeneezer: Oh, I see… I’ve only got some of Nurse McCready’s Surgical Bruise Lotion. [motions where it is]

Spirit: [picks up bottle] Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh? [eagerly opens it, sits `backward’ in the chair next to a mirror and dresser, begins drinking] Mmm! Delicious. Well, this is a nice change from all those skinflints. You know that old fellow down the road? Bags of money! I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draught excluder!

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear… old people today, eh? Tell me: How do you get them to change their ways?

Spirit: Well, it’s all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective.

Ebeneezer: Well, what sort of thing?

Spirit: Well, it depends, really. With some people, it’s just a glimpse of their behaviour at school behind the pennyfarthing sheds… Er, some other people, well, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were. Of course, with >your< ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision with a break and ice cream.

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear! That bad, were they?

Spirit: Och — did nobody tell ye? Stinkers to men! Oh, perhaps you’d like to see… [waves his free hand about and twiddles his tongue]

[Scene changes to Elizabethan England. Lord Edmund Blackadder looks very bored at his servant, Baldrick, who is offering him a Christmas cracker. They are just outside the throne room.]

Baldrick: Come on, My Lord! Give it a little pull! You know you want to! It’ll be ever so exciting!

Edmund: [gives in] Oh, God… [he pulls the cracker as Baldrick winces in anticipation of the crack, but there’s only a little squeak] Yes — terrifying.

Baldrick: And, look, there’s a surprise present for you inside. It’s a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.

Edmund: Oh, just what I’ve always wanted. [crumples it]

Baldrick: Have you got anything for me?

Edmund: Oh, it’s nothing, really.

Baldrick: [charmed] Oh, Sir…

Edmund: No, it’s really nothing. I haven’t got anything for you. [walks to a large curtained object] I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. [pulls the curtains open, to reveal a portrait of the Queen] She’d better she’ll bloody like it — she dropped enough hints. [shuts the curtains] Gah, that woman’s about as subtle as a rhinocerous horn up the backside. [lifts the portrait] Door.

    [Inside, Queen Elizabeth I and Nursie are tearing apart coloured-paper chains. Edmund enters, carrying the curtained portrait.]

Edmund: Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy. [puts the portrait down] Don’t you just love it?

Elizabeth: No — I hate it! In fact, I’ve just abolished it.

Edmund: I’m sorry…?

Elizabeth: I ought to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone I see carrying a present. [looks at the portrait]

Edmund: Oh. [lifts the portrait and prepares to leave]

Elizabeth: [points at portrait, speaks demandingly] What’s that, Edmund?

Edmund: This? … It’s a window…

Elizabeth: A window?

Edmund: Yes, but you seem to have one here, so, sorry to disturb you… [exits, leaving her baffled (Nursie just grins brainlessly)]

    [Outside, Edmund hands the portrait to Baldrick, who holds it from the bottom, so it covers his face. Edmund closes the door, and pulls open the portrait’s curtains.]

Edmund: Well, so much for that. [punches the Queen’s face in the portrait; his hand goes through the canvas and hits Baldrick’s face. He then motions to Lord Melchett, who approaches] Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

Melchett: …and compliments of the season to >you<, Blackadder. May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.

Edmund: I’m glad I saw you — I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned the Christmas, so I wouldn’t get her a present this year.

Melchett: Oh, I’m indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter, the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower. [exits]

Edmund: [claps his hands once] Hah! Got him with my subtle plan!

Baldrick: [lowering the portrait finally] I can’t see any subtle plan.

Edmund: Baldrick, you wouldn’t see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing “Subtle Plans Are Here Again.” It’s what we call a double-bluff. Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him, go and get an enormous present, give it to the Queen, and then [runs his finger across his neck and makes a quacky noise].

Baldrick: What, he’ll turn into a duck?

Edmund: Yes… [walks off; Baldrick follows, with the portrait]

stomach cramps greeting from Blackadder[In the throne room, Nursie continues to tear apart paper chains, while Elizabeth is looking out the window.]

Nursie: Pity about this, Tinkywink. You always used to love this time of year.

Elizabeth: [turns round; she is fondling a Christmas pudding] I know — leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked. [sits in throne]

Nursie: …and wondering if your father’s wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off.

Elizabeth: We knew; if he gave her a hat, she’d probably be all right.

Nursie: Happy days…

Elizabeth: Yes… Maybe I was a little rash…

    [Edmund and Melchett enter and bow.]

Elizabeth: Ah! Boys! Welcome back! [hands the pudding to Nursie] But, Melchett, what have you got under your coat?

    [Edmund raises his eyebrows, smiling slyly.]

Elizabeth: [demandingly] It’s not a present, is it?

Melchett: A present, Majesty? but of course! [reveals a crown; mutters to Edmund] You’re so painfully transparent, Blackadder.

Edmund: Am I…

Elizabeth: Oh, that’s fab!!! I >love< presents!

    [Edmund rolls his eyes, unhappy about the Queen’s wishy-washiness.]

Elizabeth: [to Melchett] You know, for a moment I took against Christmas, but I’m completely dippy about it again. In fact, I’d like to marry you! …if you weren’t as unattractive as a giant slug!

Melchett: [laughing] Oh, pish, Majesty!

Elizabeth: But, anyway, to reward you, I’m going to give you >lots< of presents! Um, fancy a castle?

Melchett: Well, Windsor, Majesty…

Elizabeth: …title?

Melchett: Duke of Kent?

Elizabeth: …anything else?

Melchett: Well, a devilish saucy wife would be fun.

Elizabeth: [thinks] Lady Jane Pottle!

Melchett: Oh, yummy!

Elizabeth: I think she’s Blackadder’s girl at the moment, but that doesn’t matter, does it, Blacky…

Edmund: No, of course not, Ma’am… and perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen…

Melchett: Oh, I don’t think we need go that far, Blackadder…

Edmund: Oh, too kind…

Melchett: No — Aylesbury’s quite far enough.

Elizabeth: Super. Well done, Melchy. And, now, Blackadder, what have you got me?

Edmund: Erm…

Elizabeth: I WANT A PREZZY!!! Give me something nice and shiny; and if you don’t, I’ve got something nice and shiny for you, and it’s called an axe!

Edmund: Erm, well, well… [looks down at his person hoping to find something]

Elizabeth: Right! That’s it. Any last requests, Blackadder, before I chop your block off and put it on top of the crimble tree?

Edmund: [still searching his person, comes across the novelty death warrant] Er, well, there is one, actually, Ma’am: You know how much I’ve always been a great admirer [motions his hand to and fro between she and Melchett] of you both — I was wondering if I could just have your autographs, erm, to keep me company during the final, tragic, lonely hours… [he already has handed her a quill]

Elizabeth: Oh, all right. [signs]

Edmund: Ah, there. Thank you, Ma’am. [moves to Melchett] And, Lord Melchett [gives him the quill] …just there… [Melchett signs] Thank– [looks astonished] Oh! Dear me!

Elizabeth: What is it?

Edmund: Why, this piece of paper that Your Majesty has just signed turns out to be some sort of death warrant!

Elizabeth: Oops. …and I can’t go back on it without destroying the whole basis of the British Constitution…

Edmund: I fear not!

Elizabeth: Is there a name on it?

Edmund: Well, yes, there is, actually… It says, “Lord”… er, I can’t read this terrible childish writing… er, “Lord…Mel…chett” … “Lord Melchett”; that’s it.

Melchett: [trying to grab the paper from Edmund] Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! It’s a trick! You’ve been tricked!

Elizabeth: Oh, good! Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and larks of all kinds. Tell you what, Blackadder: that’s so brilliant, I’ll execute Melchett instead!

Edmund: You’re very kind, Ma’am.

    [Nursie looks at Melchett and laughs maniacally]

Elizabeth: …and I suppose that means that everything of Lord Melchett’s becomes yours.

Edmund: I suppose it does. [he presents a hand to Melchett and snaps his fingers; Melchett gives him the crown; he gives the crown to Elizabeth, who is delighted] Merry Christmas, Ma’am…

[Scene changes back to Ebenezer’s bedroom.]

Ebeneezer: [with a slight grin] Good lord!

Spirit: Horrible, eh? [stands, goes to the bedside] What a pig!

Ebeneezer: Yes, although clearly quite a clever, charming pig. [Spirit is shocked] But, no, as you say, his behaviour…disgraceful.

Spirit: Ah, you’re a great improvement on them all. [pats Ebenezer’s knees again] You’re a good boy…

Ebeneezer: ‘Them’? Are there more?

Spirit: Oh, yes! Have a shufti at this! [waves his arm and makes “Woo!” noise]

[Scene changes to Regency England. Edmund Blackadder, butler to the Prince Regent, enters the vestibule outside the Prince’s quarters with his own servant, Baldrick. He is carrying a red sack.]

Edmund: Right, Balders… [puts sack on a chair] I’m sick of getting no presents and the Prince Regent getting the lot, so this is the plan: We play our traditional game of charades, and, when he gets bored and asks for a story, you come out here [lifts the sack up a bit], stick the dress and the hat on, and then knock on the door. I’ll take it from there. Have you got it?

Baldrick: Got it…

Edmund: Yes, well, you certainly will get it if you mess this up.

    [Inside, Prince George tries to wake Lord Horatio Nelson, who sits in a chair, holding a drink in his left (and only) hand, with an eyepatch over his left eye. Edmund and Baldrick enter.]

Prince: Ah, hurrah! Welcome, lads! Oh, this is the stuff, eh? Christmas sherry and charades with honest manly fellows. I mean, for Heaven’s sake, what can I do with a girl that I can’t do with you, eh?

Edmund: I cannot conceive, Sir.

Prince: Yes, well, there’s that, I suppose. Now; who’s first up for the game? I’d ask old Horatio here, but he’s out of it, I’m afraid; so it’s, er [points at Baldrick], what, it’s the little monkey fellow first, then, is it?

Edmund: It is indeed, Sir.

Prince: Ah, excellent! Oh, I love charades… [goes over to sit in a chair]

Edmund: OK, off you go, Baldrick.

    [Baldrick steps in front of them, then opens his arms like a book.]

 

Edmund: It’s a book…

Baldrick: Well done, Mr B! I didn’t think you’d get it >that< quickly.

Prince: Well, I must say, Bladder, that was damn clever!

Edmund: Yes, another great Christmas tradition: explaining the rules eight times to the Thicky Twins. The round hasn’t in fact started yet. It’s got to be a specific book. For instance, if it was The Bible, I would go like that [holding up two fingers] to indicate that there are two syllables in it…

Prince: Two what?

Edmund: Two syllables.

Prince: Two silly bulls? I don’t think so, Blackadder — not in The Bible. I can remember a fatted calf, but, as I recall, that was quite a sensible animal. Oh, ah! It’s it, um, er, Noah’s Ark, with the, er, two pigs, two ants, and two silly bulls? Is that it?

Edmund: Two syll>a<bles.

Prince: What?

Edmund: Look, we’re getting confused; let’s start again, shall we?

Prince: No, let’s not, Blackadder. I think the whole game’s getting a bit syll>a<, to be honest. How about a nice Christmas story instead?

Edmund: Oh, what a good idea, Sir. [motions at Baldrick] I’ll just get rid of the servant, shall I? There’s a limit to how long the smell of roasting chestnuts can blot out the aroma of Baldrick’s trousers. [as he shows Baldrick out, he mutters to him] Don’t forget the dress and the hat, Baldrick. [he returns to the Prince] So, shall I begin the Christmas story?

Prince: Absolutely, as long as it’s not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.

Edmund: You mean Jesus, Sir…

Prince: Yes, that’s the fellow. Keep him out of it — he always spoils the X-mas atmos.

Edmund: Certainly, Sir. Instead, I shall tell you a story about–

Nelson: [wakes] Ah! Oh my god!!! I’ve gone blind! blind!!!

    [Edmund moves Nelson’s eyepatch to the right eye.]

Nelson: Oh, that’s better. [falls back to sleep]

Edmund: As I was saying: This is a story about a handsome young prince…

Prince: Ah, now, this is more like it. What; good looking, [points at his wig] lovely hair perched on top of his head like an exceptionally attractive loaf of bread?

Edmund: Exactly.

Prince: Yeah, I can imagine him — excellent fellow.

Edmund: Well, it is a tale about him and a sad, lonely, old granny who’s dying of cold on a cruel Christmas night.

Prince: Not a comedy, then…?

Edmund: No, Sir. …and when she thought that all was lost, and that she would die on Christmas night and be swept up on the Boxing Day morning, mistaken for a huge dirty handkerchief–

    [Prince cries into his handkerchief]

Edmund: …then she knocked on the door of a handsome young prince, >named George<, who gave her all his >massive collection of Christmas presents<, and she lived happily ever after.

Prince: [he cries some more] Oh, my Satan’s Sausage, Bladder! What a fine tale! I’m quite moved to tears, don’t you know…

Edmund: Oh, good…

    [The doorbells ring.]

Edmund: [obviously] I wonder who that could be?

Prince: …on a cold, dark, cruel Christmas night… tricky one… It could be a robin…

Edmund: [who has moved to the door] Why, Sir! Rather coincidentally, it is a sad, lonely, old granny who’s dying of cold. Shall I fling her from your door, Sir, saying that there is no room in our Christmas for a sad, virtuous, silver-haired, old, elderly angel like her?

Prince: No, Blackadder, you swine! Bring her in!

    [The doors open from the outside, as a cart-pushing human figure in red old woman’s clothes barges in and starts taking all the presents off the table, putting them into the cart.]

Edmund: [mutters to Granny] [??????], Baldrick.

Prince: Take all you want, Granny! You have found Georgy-Porgy, your handsome prince!

Granny: Thank you, Sir…

Edmund: Shall I show her to the door, to make sure she doesn’t steal the silver on the way out?

Prince: Oh, no — tell her to take it!

Edmund: Oh, you’re very generous, Sir. [bows and closes the door]

    [He finishes closing the doors and turns round to an empty vestibule.]

Edmund: Excellent, excellent, Baldrick! A triumph! [pause] Baldrick? Baldrick!

    [Baldrick enters, wearing white old woman’s clothes.]

Baldrick: Sorry, Mr B — I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door. Are we ready yet, Sir?

Edmund: [serious] What?

Baldrick: Well, I answered the door and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity, so I let her in.

Edmund: Aaaaaaaagh…

Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr B?

Edmund: No, don’t worry — I should have known not to trust a man with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.

Baldrick: Sorry, Mr B.

Edmund: Oh, it’s perfectly all right — it’s not your fault. [punches Baldrick in the face; Baldrick falls over] Still, I fear for a frail elderly woman, laden with valuables, travelling through the inadequately lit streets of London…

Baldrick: [having just got back on his feet] Yeah — she’s not safe, Sir.

Edmund: Well, not from me, certainly. [punches Baldrick in the face; exits]

[Back in Ebenezer’s bedroom; Spirit now is lying beside Ebenezer.]

Ebeneezer: Hah hah! Very amusing!

Spirit: In what way?

Ebeneezer: Er… the wigs… very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say…disgraceful. But, he actually >got< the presents!

Spirit: Yyyyyyes, yes…

Ebeneezer: So, there is actually something to be made out of being bad…

Spirit: Er, technically… technically… yes… yes… But that’s not the point, is it? It’s the the soul…the >soul<…

Ebeneezer: As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if >I< was bad?

Spirit: Erm… Heavens! Is that the time? I really must be off… [stands up, but Ebenezer grabs his arm]

Ebeneezer: I’d love to see Christmas Future…

Spirit: No no no no no no no no… It’s terribly melodramatic…

Ebeneezer: Look; just show it…please…

Spirit: All right… [wiggles his fingers a bit and makes a reluctant “Nyeu” sound]

[Scene changes to the distant future. Queen Asphyxia XIX sits in her throne area as her three husbands — Lord Frondo, Prince Pigmot and Bernard — have just materialised. Bernard is on a raised platform behind Asphyxia, and is just a head with a huge life-support system. Pigmot is to the right of Asphyxia, and Frondo is in front of Pigmot. Behind them, a hologramme display shows either a spinning green oscilloscope design or a close-up of whoever speaks.]

Husbands tutti: Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe.

Asphyxia: …and hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid. I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. [calls] Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!

    [Commander Blackadder walks forward, with all sorts of metal bits attached to his leather. He holds his space helmet, and wears and metal eyepatch over his left eye. His breastplate armour bears the age-old Blackadder symbol.]

Blackadder's Christmas carol - Future

Blackadder: [militaristically] ‘morning.

Frondo: To you, Blackadder — thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod — this much greeting [he raises a hand up to his forehead and lowers it with two and a half vertical waves].

Pigmot: [speaks with American dialect] I, too, bold navigator [he gives four vertical waves], cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnu!

Blackadder: Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, thank you.

Asphyxia: Approach your slave: Baldrick!

    [Baldrick steps forward, wearing leather highboots, a studded leather collar, studded leather wristbands, and a leather bikini brief with a single stud. He stands in a dramatic pose.]

Blackadder: For God’s sake, Baldrick — if you’re going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.

Baldrick: [salutes] Wilco, Skipper! [adjusts his stance]

Blackadder: Majesties, I give you this much greeting [he puts his hand to his forehead and lets it drop straight back down].

Frondo: What news of the foul Malmydons?

Blackadder: Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.

Frondo: …and the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast’s nobbo?

Blackadder: Well, they’re dead, if that’s what you mean.

Pigmot: Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?

Blackadder: No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies, because you just made them up.

Asphyxia: Hah hah hah hah hah! Excellent, Commander! You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

Blackadder: Majesties: from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this! [he holds up a silver rod with two equally-sized spheres at the ends; a nob at the bottom of the lower one and a spike at the top of the higher one. The higher sphere also has numerous rods protruding from the equator]

Bernard: Oh, lovely — an ashtray!

Pigmot: [kneels beside Asphyxia] Come, Majesty — he wastes our time. I yearn to attend “Twenty Thousand Years of The Two Ronnoids” on the [box plof?]

Frondo: Yes! Send him to the sprouting chamber!

Asphyxia: No, wait! [to Blackadder] What is it, Commander?

Blackadder: Well, I’ll show you, shall I? [he raises the object; it fires a ray at the husbands, who are dematerialised; Asphyxia looks around, shocked] And now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me the supreme command of the universe, sew a button on my spare uniform, and marry me this afternoon.

    [He has walked forward; he removes a glove from one hand. Asphyxia also has walked forward. The two now are on opposite sides of a plasma sphere.]

Asphyxia: I thought you’d never ask.

    [They both place a hand on the plasma sphere.]
    [Back in Victorian times, Ebenezer Blackadder laughs.]

Ebeneezer: So, let’s get this straight: If I was bad, my descendents would rule the entire universe!

Spirit: Maybe… Maybe… But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe is not all it’s cracked up to be — there’s the long hours… I mean, you wave at people the whole time… you’re no longer your own boss.

Ebeneezer: But, but, so, what if I stayed good? When then does the future hold?

Spirit: Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. I’ve got four hauntings and a scare-the-bugger-to-death to do before morning.

    [Ebenezer lifts a hand, wiggles his fingers and goes “Woo!”]

Spirit: No! No! [tries to bat away the incoming vision]

[Back to the future]

Husbands tutti: Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe.

Asphyxia: …and hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid. I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. [calls] Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!

    [Commander Baldrick walks forward, with all sorts of metal bits attached to his leather. He holds his space helmet, and wears a metal eyepatch over his left eye. His breastplate armour bears the age-old Blackadder symbol.]

Baldrick: [raising his left arm] Hail!

Asphyxia: …and your slave…

    [Blackadder steps forward, wearing leather highboots, studded leather collar, studded leather wristbands, and a leather bikini brief with a single stud. He stands in an upset, bored pose.]

Asphyxia: What’s his name?

Baldrick: I can’t remember, Your Majesty.

Frondo: No matter, Supreme Marshall of the Smells. What news of the foul Malmydons?

Baldrick: Good news…

Asphyxia: Excellent!

Baldrick: …for the Malmydons — they wiped out our entire army. Sorry; I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot.

Asphyxia: Silence, squidling! Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

Baldrick: Oh, damn, I forgot the bloody present and all.

    [Blackadder looks quite fed up.]
    [The vision ends. Ebenezer now is standing.]

Ebeneezer: So: one way, it’s glory everlasting; the other, it’s wearing Baldrick’s posing pouch!

Spirit: Well, it’s not as simplistic, but it does at least point a very clear lesson.

Ebeneezer: Namely…?

Spirit: Namely…that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.

Ebeneezer: You don’t think it points the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?

Spirit: No! No! Absolutely not! The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive! [stands, puts an arm around Ebenezer] Picture it: Quiet evenings in your hovel alone; a Bible; your own turnip!

Ebeneezer: Oh, well, that makes all the difference!

Spirit: So you’re going to be a good boy, then?

Ebeneezer: Oh, absolutely.

    [Spirit looks at him intently]

Ebeneezer: Would I lie to you?

    [Spirit turns, starting his “Woo!” some more, and steps backward through the doorway, steam pouring out. The door raises back into place (the entrance video run in reverse).]
    • [Christmas morning. Ebenezer wakes up.]

 

Baldrick: [from outside the room] Mr Blackadder! [enters, holding a sock] Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.

Ebeneezer: [stands] Oh, dear me… [takes sock, and begins reaching inside it] But don’t be too unhappy; because, if you look very carefully, there’s something in this stocking from me…

Baldrick: Oh!

Ebeneezer: In fact, it’s something I made for you…

Baldrick: Well, that’s the kind of prezzy that shows the most love! What have you made for me, Mr B?

Ebeneezer: I’ve made you… [takes his hand out] …a fist.

Baldrick: A fist?

Ebeneezer: Yes — it’s for hitting [punches Baldrick in the face]… and what’s wonderful about it is that you can use it again [punch!] and again [punch!] and again [punch!]. Well, what do you say…?

Baldrick: [weakly] Thank you, Mr B…

Ebeneezer: Think nothing of it, Baldrick — I, after all, think nothing of you [punch!].

    [Hanging onto the window, calling through, is the young boy.]

 

Boy: Oi! Gitface! How about a penny for the season?

Ebeneezer: Hark! Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window?

    [Ebenezer walks to the window and opens it, causing the boy to fall down with a scream.]

Ebeneezer: [looks outside, then shuts the window] No — I must have imagined it.

    [The doorbell rings.]

Baldrick: Shall I get that, sir?

Ebeneezer: No, Baldrick — leave them out in the snow until I get dressed. I’ll only be about forty minutes.

[Forty minutes later, in the front room, Baldrick stands by the door as Ebenezer finally comes downstairs, dressed.]

Ebeneezer: Door.

    [Baldrick opens the door. Leaning into the doorway, now with icicles hanging from their noses, are Beadle and the three fat orphan boys.]

Beadle: [holding a tiny Christmas pudding] Compliments of the season, sir. We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding. [to orphans] …3, 4…
Beadle and orphans: [singing]

Blackadder piggy wiggy woo

Ebeneezer: [applauds slowly] Utter crap.
Beadle: Thank you very much, sir.
Orphan3: Do we get a Christmas treat now?
Ebeneezer: Yes, indeed you do.
Orphan [1 or 2?]: What is it?
Ebeneezer: It’s a door in the face. Here you are! [slams the door]
Baldrick: [shocked] Oh, Mr B! You can’t send them out into the world with nothing but a small pudding!
Ebeneezer: Ah, how right you are, Baldrick. Door.

    [Baldrick opens the door; Beadle and the orphans are in the exact same place they were before, Beadle still holding out the pudding.]

God bless Mr B at Christmas time

And maybe Jesus too

If we were little pigs we’d sing

“Piggywiggywiggywiggywoo!”

And “Piggywiggywiggywiggywiggywiggywiggywiggy

“Wiggywiggywiggywiggywoo!

“O! Piggy wiggy wiggy woo!

“Piggywiggywoo!

“O! Pig wiggywiggywiggywiggywiggywiggywoo!”

Ebeneezer: [takes the pudding] Thank you. [slams the door]

Baldrick: You know what I’m hoping?

Ebeneezer: What are you hoping, Baldrick?

Baldrick: I’m hoping that this is all a merry Christmas jape, and, in a moment, you’re going to go “Yo ho ho!” and give me a mince pie.

Ebeneezer: [grins] Close your eyes, Baldrick…

    [Baldrick closes his eyes.]

Ebeneezer: Open your mouth…

    [Baldrick opens his mouth.]

Ebeneezer: Yo ho ho. [sticks the leafed end of the pudding into Baldrick’s mouth]

    [Doorbell rings.]

Millicent: [from outside] Cooeee!

    [Baldrick opens the door; Millicent cackles as she enters, and is followed by her boyfriend, Ralph — a paradigmatic twit.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, my dear Millicent come for her dinner. [looks at Ralph] …and she seems to have brought the fish course with her.

    [Millicent and Ralph are confused.]

Ebeneezer: Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?

Ralph: I think…it’s me!

Millicent: This is Ralph — he’s my fiance.

Ralph: We’re in love!

    [Ralph laughs; Millicent cackles]

Ebeneezer: Oh, dear… Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: One massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.

    [Ralph laughs; Millicent cackles]

Ebeneezer: Shut up.

Millicent: [shocked] Oh, Mr Blackadder! What’s happened? You’ve changed from the nicest man in England into the…the horridest man in the world!

Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing myself.

Ebeneezer: [hits Baldrick in the back of the head] …when spoken to. [to Millicent] I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn’t understand — blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit’s address book.

    [Millicent smiles as though that was a compliment.]

Ebeneezer: [to Ralph] As for you: Are you sure that you can keep my God-daughter in the manner to which she is accustomed?

Ralph: Oh, yes! Absolutely! [gives his wallet to Ebenezer]

Ebeneezer: Oh, splendid. [takes it, looks at all the money inside]

    [Ralph holds his hand out as though expecting Ebenezer to return the wallet.]

Ebeneezer: Congratulations. Good day. [shakes Ralph’s hand]

    [Ralph and Millicent smile, then slowly start laughing/cackling.]

Ebeneezer: OUT!

    [Ralph and Millicent begin crying, and leave.]

Ebeneezer: [holding the money that was in the wallet] Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out, and buy a turkey so large you’d think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. [gives the money] I’m going to have a party, and no-one’s invited but me.

    [Baldrick heads for the door; Ebenezer heads for the back room. When Baldrick opens the door, Mrs Scratchit enters.]

Scratchit: Cooo!

Ebeneezer: [returning to the counter] No peace for the wicked…

Scratchit: Ah, Mr Ebenezer… I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me…? or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom’s Christmas…?

Ebeneezer: I’ve >always< found you `foul’, Mrs Scratchit — and more than a little.

    [Mrs Scratchit is stunned.]

Ebeneezer: As for Tiny Tom’s Christmas: he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.

Scratchit: But he’s a cripple!

Ebeneezer: He’s >not< a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying “Phew! My leg hurts!” when he remembers to wouldn’t fool >Baldrick<!

Baldrick: It did, actually.

Ebeneezer: However, if you want something for lunch, take this. [he reaches down and lifts up a bucket with some faecal-brown stain running down the side] It’s a pound a lump, and, as luck would have it, there are seventeen lumps left. [takes his seventeen pounds back from her basket] Thank you.

Scratchit: But what about my Tiny Tom?

Ebeneezer: If I was you, I’d scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day.

    [Scratchit cries and leaves]

Baldrick: [closes the door once more] Mr B… Where’s the milk of human kindness?

Ebeneezer: It’s gone off, Baldrick — it stinks.

    [Doorbell rings.]

Ebeneezer: Get that; and, whoever it is, slam the door in their faces — or I’ll slam your face in the door. [goes to the back room]

    [Baldrick opens the door and finds Victoria, Albert and the chair-bearer (sans chair again).]

Albert: Hello, small dwarf fellow. Is this the house of the great philanthropist and all-round softy, Ebenezer Blackadder?

Baldrick: [confused] What, Mr Blackadder lives here?

Albert: Ah, that is good, because we have a wunderbar secret!

Baldrick: What secret?

Albert: Hah! I’ve I were to tell you that we’re going to give him an enormous fortune for being so generous, then it would not longer be a secret — Damn… I’m so stupid! Damn…

Baldrick: What would no longer be a secret?

Victoria: [leaning forward, half bowing] We are Queen Victoria.

Baldrick: What, all three of you?

Victoria: [charmed] My dear little hobgoblin… Here is our Royal Seal. [holds out the seal; Baldrick takes it and slowly kneels] We have come to present your master with fifty thousand pounds and the title of Baron Blackadder, for being the kindest man in England.

Baldrick: Nummy, Your Majesty!

Ebeneezer: [returning from the back room] Baldrick, what did I tell you I’d do if you didn’t slam the door in the faces of these scrounging loafers?

Baldrick: But… [Ebenezer moves him aside and grabs the door] Mr Blackadder– [Ebenezer opens the door wide, into Baldrick’s face, then slams the door shut]

Ebeneezer: I’m not at home to guests.

    [Ebenezer returns to the back room, where the scene now takes place. He sits in the fireside chair. Albert, Victoria and the chair-bearer walk in.]

Albert: I flatter myself; we are rather special guests, sir…

Ebeneezer: Oh, of course! [stands] I must apologise! It’s not often that one receives a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.

Albert: Ah, so you recognise us at last.

Ebeneezer: Yes. [to Victoria] Unless I’m very much mistaken, you’re the winner of the Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman Competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year’s Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.

Victoria: Sir! I cannot be–

Ebeneezer: Cork it, Fatso! Don’t you realise that this is the Victorian Age, where — apart from Queen Piglet Features herself [Albert covers Victoria’s ears] — women and children are to be seen and not heard?

Albert: “Queen Piglet Features”?!

Ebeneezer: Yes — ‘Empress Oink’, as lads call her. The only person in the Kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband [Albert covers his own ears]. ‘The Pig & The Prig’ we call them. [approaches them, forcing them back into the front room] How they ever managed to produce their one hundred and twelve children is quite beyond me. The bedchambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds.
Victoria: Sir! We have never been so insulted in our entire lives!

    [all three of them are now outside the shoppe]

Ebeneezer: [leans out doorway] Well, all I can say is: you’ve been damned lucky. [goes inside and slams the door]

[Later, in the back room, Ebenezer is feasting. Baldrick is pouring a drink.]

Ebeneezer: Ah, Baldrick, this is excellent, excellent — all the riff-raff and the spongers dealt with, and gargantuan quantities of tuck to be gobbled. [slices off a piece of turkey] Here; have a wishbone. [gives wishbone to Baldrick]

    [Baldrick breaks the wishbone.]

Ebeneezer: What do you wish?

Baldrick: I wish there was some meat on this.

Ebeneezer: Those last two were particularly satisfying — it felt just like having a go at the real Queen and Prince Albert.

Baldrick: It >was< the real Queen and Prince Albert.

Ebeneezer: Don’t be ludicrous, Baldrick — what would the Queen be doing here?

Baldrick: Well, she’d come to visit you to reward you for being the nicest man in England, by giving you fifty thousand pounds and the title of Baron Blackadder.

Ebeneezer: Baldrick, it couldn’t have been the Queen; because, when she visits people, she leaves them her Royal Seal.

Baldrick: What, like this one? [takes seal out of a pocket]

Ebeneezer: Yes, just like tha– [he stares at it in disbelief]

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