There is a popular phrase – “A Blackadder Quote a Day keeps the cretins away”. OK, perhaps that is not an official saying, but it should be! Never a day goes by, when I don’t quote Blackadder at least once. And even if I don’t actually quote from the show, I give a ‘BAHHH’ General Melchett style!
If you are looking to find the best Blackadder quotes online, then check out this collection. Blackadder quotes are updated daily, and so you can pick a new one every day of the year!
As well as our Blackadder quotes, you can also find series and episode descriptions, as well as complete scripts for all the shows. It is like Blackadder heaven!
Blackadder Goes Forth has some great quotes, right from the very first scene of episode 1. Here’s a look at Captain Cook, the first episode of Blackadder Goes Forth.
Your brain’s so minute
Here’s part of the scene on YouTube. you can play it from here 😉
It’s part of a cunning plan
And the text from that scene:
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Private Baldrick: I’m carving something on a bullet, sir.
Captain Blackadder: What are you craving?
Private Baldrick: I’m carving “Baldrick”, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Why?
Private Baldrick: It’s part of a cunning plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there’s a bullet with your name on it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes?
Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I’ll never get hit by it. Cause I’ll never shoot myself…
Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, it’s not the only thing that is “very small indeed”. Your brain for example- is brain’s so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
Turnips are a recurring theme in Blackadder, probably because they are the same shape as a thingey. Here’s the best Baldrick turnip quotes from the first two series of Blackadder.
The Best Turnip Quotes from Blackadder
Have you ever dreamed of a great big turnip in the country?
Let’s check out the Blackadder turnip quotes through the first two series.
We’ll do the last series next week!
Blackadder Series 1 Turnips
The word turnip first gets mentioned in the very first episode, of Blackadder in the first series – The Foretelling when the new King Richard gives a speech.
King (previously `Richard’): This day has been as ’twere A mighty stew In which the beef of victory Was mix’d With the vile turnip Of sweet Richard slain And the grisly dumpling Of his killer fled. But we must eat The yellow wobbly parts [?] two [?] serves. In life, each man gets What he deserves!
Blackadder Series 2 Turnips – Beer
Perhaps the most famous episode for Blackadder turnip quotes, is from the second series.
Beer sees Edmund put in an awkward situation, where he needs to drink some incredibly strong ale, whilst pretending to be sober for his relatives.
A number of turnip quotes appear in this episode.
Baldrick: In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise. Edmund: and the surprise is…? Baldrick: …there’s nothing else in it except the turnip. Edmund: So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be…a turnip.
He obviously knew that turnips had a number of health benefits!
The Thingey scene
Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready? [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.] Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord. Edmund: Then what is so funny?
Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, we had a surprise —
we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape…as a thingy!
[Percy and Baldrick laugh.] Edmund: [not amused] …a thingy… Baldrick: …a great big thingy! It was terrific. Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item…? Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord. Edmund: Good, because there’s nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip. Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. …but it was jolly funny! [laughs more] Edmund: Yes, yes, yes… Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I’ve got a thingy that’s shaped like a turnip!
Talking with his Uncle and Aunt about the turnip
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub — for Satan saw God’s blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape. Edmund: Ah. Aunt: I shall have my turnip as God intended. [sits] Edmund: Fine. [calls] Baldrick! [Baldrick enters.] Baldrick: My Lord…? Edmund: Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please? Baldrick: Well, we’ve only got the one that– Edmund: [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant to Aunt and Uncle] Just do it, thank you. [Baldrick leaves.] Edmund: [to Uncle] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?
Your Turnip My Lady
And the bit you’ve been waiting for! Let’s take a look at the colossal drunken roar as well…
[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip] Edmund: Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause] Oh my god… Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady… Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night. [Uncle’s eyes open wide, in surprise. Baldrick has left.] Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.
Uncle: Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip — very funny! >Exactly< the same shape…as a thingy! [leaves]
More Blackadder Quotes
Before you go, check out these other collections of the best quotes from Blackadder:
Queenie, played by Miranda Richardson, was an amazing character who often stole the show throughout series 2 of Blackadder. It’s not surprising then that some of the best Blackadder quotes can be attributed to her! Here are some of our favourite Queenie quotes.
Queenie Quotes from Blackadder
Queenie was a main character in the second Blackadder series.
Brilliantly played by Miranda Richardson, she exuded a child-like exterior, whilst have the personality of a manic psychopath at times!
After all, she may have had the body of a weak and feeble woman, but she had the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!
Let’s take a look at the best Queenie quotes.
Blackadder find himself captured, leaving Percy to spend more time at the Royal Court.
With so many funny moments, which is your favourite from the second series of Blackadder? We’ve got five of the best to choose from.
The 5 Funniest Scenes from Blackadder 2
The historically, hysterical Blackadder saga had some great moments, and some of the best were from the second series. Which one of these do you think is the funniest?
1. The Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells
It’s poker time! After borrowing money he couldn’t repay from The Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod, they sent around their debt collector to see Blackadder. The Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells was a deviant in every sense of the word, but could he get the best of Blackadder?
2. Captain Redbeard Rum
Blackadder sets off for new lands, with a Captain who’s legless, wearing a beard you could lose a badger in. It’s a great piece of character acting by the utterly brilliant Tom Baker, who portrays Captain Redbeard Rum as a crazy man who tells tall stories. What happened to the beard at the end of the episode though?
3. Incredibly Strong Ale
Blackadder is famous for not being able to hold his beer. When he is challenged to a drinking contest, he needs to work out how he’s going to not only stay sober, but win the bet. Thingy shaped turnips are also involved, and matters are not helped by the visit of his rich relatives the Whiteadders. Remember the little song about the goblin?
4. Crashing the Wedding
When Lord Flashheart comes to your wedding, you had better watch out. He even likes the beards on bridesmaids! Rik Mayall had several cameos in the Blackadder saga, but his second appearance as Lord Flashheart literally stole the show. Am I happy to see you, or is that a canoe in my pocket?
5. More of a Splat
Percy has a novel solution to help solve Blackadder’s financial problems. He will become an alchemist and create the purest…. green. Except it’s not really a nugget, it’s more of a splat!
Which one of these moments from the second series of Blackadder was your favourite? Please leave a comment below, and share this with your friends!
Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck’s in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you’ll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!
Lieutenant George in Blackadder Goes Forth
The entire fourth series of Blackadder is a work of genius, and Lieutenant George plays an integral part in it.
As the product of a public school and privileged university education, his naive approach to the War is both sad and amusing.
This is our favourite scene featuring Hugh Laurie in Blackadder Goes Forth.
Captain Darling is a desk-sucking, pen pushing blotter jotter played by Tim McInnerny in Blackadder Goes Forth. Let’s take a look at some of his best moments here!
Captain Kevin Darling, MC (ca. 1884 – 1917)
After deciding not to take a leading role in the third series of Blackadder, Tim McInnerny returned as a full cast member in the 4th series.
Instead of playing an incarnation of Lord Percy Percy, this time, he played Captain Darling, a pencil-pushing aide to the crazy General Melchett.
Captain Darling Personal Background
As with many of the other characters in Blackadder Goes Forth, we find out a little more about Captain Darling’s background in each episode, with the final episode of Blackadder revealing the most amount of information.
For example, we discover that Captain Darling has a girlfriend called Doris, he aspired to keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen, and he worked for a company called Pratt & Sons.
Along the way though, he and the rest of the cast come up with some immortal quotes.
Great Blackadder Quotes from Blackadder Goes Forth
Blackadder: ‘I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.’
George: ‘I’m absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.’
Blackadder (to Baldrick): ‘If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.’
George on education: When I was at school, education could go hang. As long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.
Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I’m not talking about the contents of Baldrick’s apple crumble.
Great Blackadder Quotes from Corporal Punishment
George: ‘Well tally ho! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!’
George: ‘I’m thick. I’m as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.’
George: ‘My head… oh, my head… feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.’
George on waiting for orders: ‘When are we going to give Fritz a taste of our British spunk?’
George on being a lawyer: ‘I’m a complete duffer at this sort of thing. In the School Debating Society I was voted ‘boy least likely to complete a coherent…’ erm…’
Blackadder: ‘Morning George, morning Baldrick. Still the striking resemblance to guppy fish at feeding time.’
Great Blackadder Quotes from Major Star
Blackadder: ‘Everything goes over your head, doesn’t it, George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.’
Blackadder: ‘Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane’s handbag and ate her lipstick, but I’m clearly in a minority.’
Blackadder: ‘A war hasn’t been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.’
George rather enjoyed being wooed by the General: ‘We tired the moon with our talking about everything and nothing: the war, marriage, the proposed changed to the LBW rule…’
Blackadder: ‘Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.’
Great Blackadder Quotes from Private Plane
Flashheart: ‘If word gets out that I’m missing, 500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn’t want them on my conscience – not when they ought to be on my face!’
Red Baron: ‘How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.’
Blackadder: ‘I’ve no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes’ work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my – hang on…’
Melchett: ‘If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.’
George: Crikey, sir. I’m looking forward to today. Up diddly up, down diddly down, whoops, poop, twiddly dee – decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron – bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines – capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals.
Blackadder: George, who is using the family brain cell at the moment?
Great Blackadder Quotes from General Hospital
Blackadder to George: ‘Somewhere outside Saffron Walden there’s an uncle who is seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam’s apple that makes him look as if he’s constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.’
George receives a small food parcel from his in-bred family: ‘…a potted turkey, a cow in jelly, three tinned sheep, and twelve hundred chocolates.’
Blackadder: ‘I lost closer friends than “darling Georgie” the last time I was deloused.’ Great Blackadder Quotes from Goodbyeee
‘Hear the words I sing,
War’s a horrid thing,
But still I sing, sing, sing,
Ding a ling a ling.’
Melchett: ‘I’ll just have to sit this one out on the touchline with the half-time oranges and the fat wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young bloods link arms for the glorious final scrum down.’
Blackadder: ‘Whatever it was, I’m sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?’
George: “I joined up straight away – 10th August 1914. What a day that was. Myself and the fellows leap-frogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office, then playing tiddly-winks in the queue.”
Baldrick: ‘Shall I do my war poem, sir?’
Blackadder: ‘How hurt will you be if I give the honest answer, which is, No – I’d rather French-kiss a skunk?’