There is a popular phrase – “A Blackadder Quote a Day keeps the cretins away”. OK, perhaps that is not an official saying, but it should be! Never a day goes by, when I don’t quote Blackadder at least once. And even if I don’t actually quote from the show, I give a ‘BAHHH’ General Melchett style!
If you are looking to find the best Blackadder quotes online, then check out this collection. Blackadder quotes are updated daily, and so you can pick a new one every day of the year!
As well as our Blackadder quotes, you can also find series and episode descriptions, as well as complete scripts for all the shows. It is like Blackadder heaven!
Queenie, played by Miranda Richardson, was an amazing character who often stole the show throughout series 2 of Blackadder. It’s not surprising then that some of the best Blackadder quotes can be attributed to her! Here are some of our favourite Queenie quotes.
Queenie Quotes from Blackadder
Queenie was a main character in the second Blackadder series.
Brilliantly played by Miranda Richardson, she exuded a child-like exterior, whilst have the personality of a manic psychopath at times!
After all, she may have had the body of a weak and feeble woman, but she had the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!
Let’s take a look at the best Queenie quotes.
Queen Elizabeth Blackadder Chains
Blackadder find himself captured, leaving Percy to spend more time at the Royal Court.
Blackadder Goes Forth has some great quotes, right from the very first scene of episode 1. Here’s a look at Captain Cook, the first episode of Blackadder Goes Forth.
Your brain’s so minute
Here’s part of the scene on YouTube. you can play it from here 😉
It’s part of a cunning plan
And the text from that scene:
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Private Baldrick: I’m carving something on a bullet, sir.
Captain Blackadder: What are you craving?
Private Baldrick: I’m carving “Baldrick”, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Why?
Private Baldrick: It’s part of a cunning plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there’s a bullet with your name on it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes?
Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I’ll never get hit by it. Cause I’ll never shoot myself…
Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, it’s not the only thing that is “very small indeed”. Your brain for example- is brain’s so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
Let’s take a like at some of Blackadder’s best insults, snide remarks, and put-downs throughout the ages. Do you remember them all?
Blackadder’s Best Insults
The Blackadder dynasty lasted for hundreds of years, and during that time, the sarcasm gene was sharply refined. Here are some of Blackadder’s best insults from series 1 all the way through to the Blackadder specials.
1. ‘Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?’ Blackadder Series 3 Episode 6 Duel and Duality
5. ‘Unfortunately most of the infantry think you’re a prat. Ask them who they’d rather meet, Squadron Commander Flashheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they’d go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time.’ Blackadder Series 4 Episode 4 Private Plane
The Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop Scene
6. (Blackadder is asked if he thinks Dr Johnson is a genius)
‘No sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of ‘genius’ in his ridiculous Dictionary is “a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweatly dewflaps”.’ Blackadder Series 3 Episode 2 – Ink and Incapability Full
9. ‘Baldrick, you wouldn’t recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing “subtle plans are here again”.’ Blackadder’s Christmas Carol
10. ‘Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.’ Blackadder Series 4 Episode 3 Major Star Full
14. ‘The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce?’
15. ‘He’s mad…. he’s mad! He’s madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year’s Mr Madman competition.’
Mad Jack McMad
16. ‘Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can’t be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn’t be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn’t know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it.’
17. ‘You look like a bird who swallowed a plate.’
18. Blackadder: ‘Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.’
Baldrick: ‘Thank you, Mr B.’
Blackadder: ‘But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, “Sod off and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.”‘
20. ‘Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunuch’s underpants.’
21. ‘It’s so dirty, it would be unacceptable to a dung beetle who had lost interest in its career and really let itself go.’
22. Blackadder: ‘Right Baldrick, let’s try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?’
Baldrick: ‘Some beans.’
Blackadder: ‘Yes…and no. Let’s try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?’
Baldrick: ‘A very small casserole.’
Blackadder: ‘Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again…’
Advanced Mathematics With Baldrick – Some Beans
23. ‘We’ve been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we’ve advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.’
24. ‘Now, the sort of person we’re looking for is an aggressive lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.’
25. ‘Your family’s history in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O’Leg McNolegs’ personal best in the Market Harborough marathon.’
Although not one of the main cast, Rik Mayall made a number of appearances throughout the Blackadder saga. Here’s a look at all of the Rik Mayall Blackadder appearances, including a couple you might have forgotten about.
Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please tell me.
Percy: All right: I go along to the Infanta’s room and tell her that you’ve gone mad. She comes to the door, and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then — and this is the cunning bit — instead of saying `oink oink’, you say `mooooo’!
Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!
Edmund: Oh! What is it?
Edmund: Brilliant! (laughs, shakes Baldrick’s hand) Well done, Baldrick! Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!
This one is our favourite though:
Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Edmund: Oh, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.
Cunning in its simplicity
In the final episode of the first series, The Black Seal, we get some final use of the phrase as Blackadder becomes King (briefly!).
EBA: Very well, the plan is simple.
WD I thought it was cunning.
ALL: Down with the plan.
EBA: Well….. it’s cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home…
Blackadder Series 2 Cunning Plans
Moving on to the second series of Blackadder, which is where Ben Elton took on the co-writing. In the very first episode, the phrase was used again, but not by one of the main characters. Instead, it was used by the Wise Woman.
W: Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.
After this, although the word ‘cunning’ was used in various episodes of the second series, the actual phrase ‘I have a cunning plan’ was not used again until the third series.
Blackadder Series 3 Cunning Plans
By the third series of Blackadder, the writers had clearly paid attention to which catchphrases people used in everyday conversations. The theme of a cunning plan really started to take off!
Captain Blackadder, Lieutenant George, and Private Baldrick see joining the Air Corps as a great way of sitting in a classroom instead of fighting on the front lines. Unfortunately for them, the course is taught by Squadron Commander Flashheart, who lives for danger- much like his nemesis, the infamous Red Baron.